In keeping with Hassocks Fatboys’ hard-earned reputation as “the most middle class football team in England” (© Kingston Village), we’ve decided this year to host the first ever Fatboys Bake Off.
The idea is simple. Each Sunday after every Fatboys game, one player is tasked with bringing a home baked item that they have made themselves along to Keymer & Hassocks Sports & Social Club. This will then be scored by the rest of the Fatboys squad based on a variety of criteria including quality of taste, presentation, the standard of Tupperware used and the difficulty of the bake. Up to 25 points are up for grabs with bonus points available if Gordon behind the bar likes the bake.
Players are not allowed to seek outside help and shop-bought items are banned. Anyone who manages to poison the rest of the team will suffer an instant disqualification and be forced to wash the kit when it’s the muddiest weekend of the season. The winner of the Bake Off will be announced at the End of Season Dinner and Dance.
Week Six: Simon O’Brien (Non-entry)
The veteran Simon O’Brien claimed to have ‘forgotten’ that it was his week to produce a bake. He did however decide to write an apology, which he subsequently emailed to the Mid Sussex Times who for some reason decided to actually print it in their letters section. This then gained a widespread following on the famous Angry People in Local Newspapers Facebook page. It probably would have been less effort for SOB just to have baked the bloody cake in the first place.
Week Five: Stuart Young’s Cookie Pizza
Stuart Young did his best to create a cookie pizza, going as far as to seek out an unused Pizza Hut box for decoration. He smothered it in a variety of chocolates and some would say his portion sizing was exceptional. A good effort for a self-confessed non baker. No Wispa Gold element was a tad surprising.
Week Four: Nick Davie’s Victoria Sponge
Nick Davie unsurprisingly was the first to be accused of cheating, despite having a GCSE in Food Tech. Suspicion arose from him telling people his Mum was away for the weekend, which turned out to mean she’d popped to Brighton to go shopping. Shop-bought icing and an irregularity in the voting patterns marred what was in fact a nice Victoria Sponge.
Week Three: Sam Wilson’s Triple Chocolate Cake
Sam Wilson made a triple chocolate cake which sent the Fatboys into sugar overload. A superb effort which was reflected in the scores. At least it only cost him £60 to make, having bought a food processor to aid in the baking process – which he then didn’t actually use.
Week Two: Gregg’s Sausage Roll by Gregg Chappell
(Awaiting image)
New Fatboys fan favourite Gregg Chappell followed in the footsteps of his baking-giant counterpart by rolling out the sausage roll. He even made his own pastry and included a variety of different spicy fillings, as well as catering for the vegetarians in the team! A strong contender for an early entry. Rumours he was going to smuggle them into a kit bag and perform a skit to introduce them were also pleasing.
Week One: Nick Jones’ Chocolate Brownie
Honest Nick Jones had the honour of going first in the Hassocks Fatboys Bake Off 2019-20 and opted to go with a classic people-pleaser by making a brownie. He included all kinds of tricks, using Kinder Eggs as part of his recipe, which meant Nick Davie had to be wary of choking hazards. A strong start and no food poisoning this time.