The Hartington 2-3 Hassocks Fatboys

Roy Terrington Trophy Quarter Final
Sunday 1st March 2020

 

The hour was late when the Goblin struck. 89 minutes of Hassocks Fatboys’ Roy Terrington Cup Quarter Final with The Hartington had expired and it seemed as though the bumper Culver Road crowd of six people were going to be treated to a penalty shoot out with the sides locked at 2-2.

The Fatboys hadn’t led once all evening. The goals for the team in green had come from an indirect free kick inside the box after a back pass and a penalty. The Hartington meanwhile had hit the woodwork so many times that it was bordering on abuse. And yet thanks to Joe Brockes’ cool, calm strike right at the death, we’re into the semi finals of the competition for the second season running, with our old friends Kemp Town lying in wait.

“Who else would you want to see the ball fall to at the back post in the last minute other than Brockesy?” said Dave Keane afterwards. And he was right. Nothing seems to phase the Goblin. With the annual Fatboys’ Cheltenham trip less than two weeks away, the talk in the changing room before the game had been of previous escapades at the greatest show on turf.

Naturally, the 2016 journey home got an airing. On that occasion, the party made an ill-advised Saturday lunchtime stop in a pub in Witney just outside of Oxford on the basis that it might have been Prime Minister David Cameron’s local. It wasn’t (or his name wasn’t down on the noticeboard for the darts team at least) and once the journey recommenced, the designated driver momentarily fell asleep at the wheel on the M25. Not even nearly dying could make Brockesy break out in a cold sweat, so a goal scoring chance in the final minute of a cup quarter final? Easy.

Some of the team had begun to get into the Cheltenham spirit early on Saturday night by visiting the Grosvenor, which meant that we were extremely grateful that this game kicked off at 6pm. It gave enough time for everyone to sober up – only just in Bally’s case, who was reported to have still been throwing up when Andy went to pick him up a mere 16 hours after Bally had left the casino.

Still, at least Bally turned up. Even with an evening kick off eliminating the risk of dropout through hangover, we still had two players no show. Ryan John claimed to be injured with a knee injury, which had been strangely fine during an all-day Saturday drinking session. Jason Gander meanwhile simply didn’t turn up. Rumours abounded afterwards that Gander’s absence was due to a new tattoo he’s had done. We’ll leave the rest to your imagination and we won’t mention who started the rumour, but hopefully Jacquesy will find out more soon.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, Ronnie had put in an outrageous amount of effort to make it to the game. This included cutting short his anniversary celebrations to race back from London, turning down free Prosecco and telling his girlfriend that she couldn’t go on a slide. This slide is apparently something for adults, as opposed to Ronnie dating a child.

Ronnie made it to Lancing with 15 minutes to spare and despite all the disruption due to not knowing what the starting line up would be until 5.45pm, it was the Fatboys who made the brighter start. We were completely dominant in the first 15 minutes with Jamie Wilkes-Spies cutting through The Hartington defence like coronavirus through a village in Wuhan and Duck giving the opposition left back a torrid time.

Needless to say, we paid for not making that early pressure count when The Hartington scored with their first meaningful attack of the game. A corner was swung over and a header deflected off the big bald head of Steve Spies, dropping into the middle of the box. A red shirt reacted quicker than any green counterpart, scuffing the ball towards the bottom corner. It somehow trickled between the post and Dave Linehan, who had decided this would be a good moment to starting moonwalking across the goal for a chat with Michael Russell who was guarding the other upright.

Going behind against the run of play knocked the stuffing out of the Fatboys somewhat and it was a laboured first half performance from that point on. Jordan Walsh and Andy had a couple of half chances and Duck sent a free kick from a promising position over the goal, the fence behind the goal and the houses behind the fence. The ball was last seen heading towards the Isle of Wight.

At the other end, The Hartington hit a post and Mike McDonald prevented a one-on-one opportunity with a devilish turn of pace to tear past the striker as he bore down on Scott McCarthy’s goal. The slide tackle was perfectly timed, but more surprising was the speed at which Mike moved. Nobody had seen him run that fast since around 2007. This was later put down to the fact that, just like Bally, Mike too had produced a plethora of vomit following the casino visit and was now around three stone lighter than he’d started the weekend.

Another player’s weight proved the undoubted highlight of the first half as a Hartington player decided to call Stuart a “skinny ****.” Presumably, this was meant as an insult but given that Stuart is currently looking a little rotund following six consecutive weeks of football postponements, it actually came across as a compliment. “He’s not skinny”, “Are you sure?” and “Have you seen the size of him?” were the responses from Stuart’s supportive teammates. That incident had came about after Bally dropped the flag while running the line and so had to stand there shouting and waving in an attempt to give an offside.

The message at half time was to try and get back to playing how we had in the opening exchanges but with a little bit more composure in front of goal. Nobody seemed to listen to that however and The Hartington could and probably should have put the game to bed in the first 10 minutes of the second half. Michael had to produce an outstanding block on the goal line before the bar and then the post were rattled, the second of those coming after Spiesy fell over his own leg while attempting to turn.

That spell of Hartington dominance was broken on the hour mark when an equaliser arrived almost out of nothing. A strange back pass from defender to goalkeeper gave us an indirect free kick inside the box. These sort of opportunities are notoriously difficult to score from, so credit should go to Duck who rolled the ball across goal perfectly to Stuart to find the bottom corner. It was Stuart’s first goal since October, marking this out to be a very good day for him as he ended his drought to go with being complimented on the thinness of his figure.

Stuart’s goal seemed to lift the whole team while demoralising the opposition. They ended up with two players in the sin bin, at which point the Fatboys decided to go for it. Spiesy was pushed up front alongside Jordan, Dave at left back was replaced by Brockesy who went into the hole behind what was now a front four with Ronnie dropping in at centre back with the job of playing out from the back. A unique 3-2-1-4 formation.

Stuart, Spiesy, Jordan and Andy all went close before we were treated to a classic Fatboys moment. Michael was guilty of overplaying it at the back which led to him getting tackled, throwing himself to the ground and screaming in an attempt to win a free kick. Based on that acting, he won’t be getting a phone call to take over from Daniel Craig as the new James Bond anytime soon.

Thankfully, the chance which that offered The Hartington was wasted. Michael was hauled as a result, sparking a quite spectacular tiff between him and Andy. Andy’s parting words were “You’ve killed us Michael, we don’t need you overplaying at the back, Charlie is coming on.”

It took young Tyzack less than 10 seconds to himself be guilty of overplaying at the back which gifted the Hartington their second. An attempted pass to McCarthy went nowhere near the Fatboys’ number one, who was easily rounded by the striker who had seized on possession to make it 2-1. The Hartington were back ahead and with only nine men on the pitch.

Further formation changes followed. Ronnie went into midfield; the back three became Andy, Mike and Charlie; Brockesy went wide left, Duck wide right and with a front line of Spiesy, Jordan and Stuart in a 3-4-3. Confused? You aren’t the only one. The adjustments worked though and with five minutes remaining, a driving run from Duck took him onto the edge of the Hartington area where he was illegally halted.

After a lengthy consultation between referee and linesman, it was eventually decided that the foul had taken place in the area. Andy had spent most of the previous 15 minutes since his heated debate with Michael losing his mind, something that the Hartington players took great glee in by constantly saying “Andy’s head has gone.” Luckily for us, a small part of his brain was still functioning normally and he duly sent the goalkeeper the wrong way from the spot with a perfect penalty.

More changes followed, Spiesy going off after a hardworking shift to be replaced by Bally. He took up the left back position in a switch to a back four with Jordan dropping in at centre half as we looked to try and make it to a penalty shoot out. Duck and Brockesy had other ideas however and they rolled back the years to the 2014-15 Division Three title winning season, Duck ghosting into the box, playing a clever low cross to Brockesy at the back post who took a touch and fired into the bottom corner.

There were still four minutes of additional time to see out and The Hartington had one last chance with a corner in the final seconds. Up came the goalkeeper who even managed to get away a shot in the ensuing scramble which was blocked by Mike. The ball eventually went out of play and the final whistle blew to spark jubilant scenes around Culver Road. The Fatboys are into a big semi. No beard, no Goblin.

 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Had a relatively quiet evening bar collecting a few crosses into the box. Received a nasty whack to the ribs which left him rolling around on the ground and so short of breath that he sounded like a panicked Frank Butcher.
Michael Russell
Was having a good game at right back with one goal line block proving to be particularly crucial before his argument with Andy and subsequent substitution.
Steve Spies
The Hartington manager said in the bar afterwards “I’d love to have some players as fit and experienced as that 40 year old bald bloke at the back.” He nearly fell over when he found out Spiesy was actually 50 – or in Jordan’s words, “nearly 58 I think.” Another solid showing from the veteran.
Mike McDonald
His best game in a Fatboys shirt so far, which was quite the achievement given that he was close to not bothering turning up. The turn of pace in the first half was something to behold.
Dave Linehan
Stepped into an unfamiliar left back role and he did well in there. Always wanted the ball and linked up promisingly with Stuart down the flank.
Ronnie Devonish
Justified the mad dash from London to play with a solid performance in the holding midfield role. Even spent time at centre back when The Hartington were down to 10, where his play making ability was put to good use.
Andy Brown
His second half head loss was a joy to watch, but it’s a measure of the captain that he regained his composure to stroke home the equalising penalty with less than 10 minutes remaining.
Jamie Wilkes-Spies
Was unplayable in the first 30 minutes. Always a threat when he was on the ball, even if he was less than impressed at having seen approximately 37 formation changes in the second half.
Dave Keane
The assist king rolled back the years to 2014 by setting up all three of the Fatboys goals. He also got in a classic Duck in 2020 moment with a free kick that could have taken a plane out of the sky.
Jordan Walsh
Played both up front and at the back in 90 minutes in which he never stopped running. Generously decided to donate £10 towards the Sussex County FA via a wonderful booking for kicking the ball away.
Stuart Brown
Brought his recent goal drought to an end with a clinical finish into the bottom corner after a well-worked short free kick. Was particularly pleased to be called skinny by an opponent and celebrated by buying £40 worth of McDonalds drive thru on the way home.

 

Subs

Joe Brockes
Told Duck in the lead up to the game “I always notch on the rubber” and he didn’t disappoint with that late winner.
Charlie Tyzack
Giving away a goal by overplaying within 10 seconds of coming on in place of Michael who had been subbed off for overplaying is a moment worthy of a place in Fatboys’ folklore.
Jon Ballantyne
“I’ve spent the entire day being sick. Don’t bring me on.” Brought on for the final five minutes.

 

Goals

58′ S Brown, assist Keane
85′ A Brown, assist Keane
89′ Brockes, assist Keane

 

Cards

Walsh, kicking the ball away (just a really bad shot on target)

 

Man-of-the-Match

Jamie Wilkes-Spies was on fire in the first half but Dave Keane takes it by a bill for rolling back the years to 2015 and claiming three assists.