Crawley Royals 1-5 Hassocks Fatboys Reserves
15th March. 148 days ago. That’s how long it had been since the reserved forces of Hassocks Fatboys had laced up their boots, listened to Davie talk about his Saturday performance and taken to the field together.
Much has (obviously) changed since then; new faces in the fold, Bod running eight miles in his spare time, celebrity endorsement campaigns from Coronation Street characters to secure managers, Davie becoming infatuated with Profressor Karol Sikora and Des adding five stone to his body weight to name but four.
Yet so much remained unchanged when the Fatboys Reserves arrived at Furnace Green Playing Fields in Creepy Crawley – the spirit was right, the weirdness unchanged and a readiness to play football together lingered.
This was all excepting Des who, along with Bod and one of those new faces Neil Kane, had spent a romantic camping trip together the night before in Lingfield (imagine the smell of those tents in this heat after a few cask ales).
Upon arriving in Crawley, Des decided to unload his camping chair to the side of the pitch along with the declaration of “I’ll probably last about 10 minutes”. Who knows what Des thought when he was subsequently told he would be starting in central midfield.
Donning the Harchester United-inspired purple kit, the Fatboys Dream Team lined up after a second warm up (given the dreadful quality of the first one ‘led’ by Jenkins) on the dry grass under a sweltering sun.
The starting line up read as: Jones © in goal; a back four of Sam Wilson, Alex Oecken-Faithfull, Jenkins and Davie.
In front of those came a midfield of Des, Potter and Berty Lloyd and they were complimented by a front three of Evetts, Chappell and O’Brien.
A strong bench of Joe Tolhurst, player-manager Reece Wickwar, Bod, Kane and Parker enjoyed sitting in the shade for the first part of the game.
It took a while for things to get going, early rust evident on both sides but willingness and effort was at a high. Opposition Crawley Royals were showing their enthusiasm and evidence of the age gap between the sides.
The first 10 minutes were largely without incident barring Wickwar doing his best to explain to Evetts where he needed to be on the right of the front three before eventually giving up.
Neither Jones nor his opposite number had much to do except for a couple of routine saves and running four miles to get the ball from behind the goal every time a shot went wide.
Oecken proved early on that he may well fit the mould of a Fatboy despite his pink footballing past along the B2116, throwing in nonchalant step overs and Cruyff turns at centre back even when he was under pressure from onrushing forwards. Jenkins looked on with a mix of admiration, fear and jealousy.
The early highlight of the game came from Chief Scout Davie. A ricochet off himself amounted to a very obvious Royals throw in, despite which Davie tried to claim it as our Fatboys throw by bellowing “IT’S OUR BALL MAN” in a strong Geordie accent.
Davie has form for this having previously gone all Cheryl Cole when someone grabbed his leg many moons ago. That was greeted by everyone laughing at him and delightfully, there was the same reaction this time around.
He was even offered congratulations for his PJ and Duncan impression from the opposing side, who surely must have been too young to remember Byker Grove. Potter then fell over and it was like the Fatboys had never been away.
Before long – and following words of encouragements from the sidelines -the Fatboys showcased a lovely sequence of play.
From Wilson and former P*nk Fl******o Oecken at the back, the ball was spread across to the right-hand side where Evetts played through Chappell who sent O’Brien in on goal.
O’Brien had the look of a man determined to silence his doubters (and there are a LOT of those) and he did so, finishing neatly into the bottom corner to round off a delicious attacking sequence.
The best part? The referee calling the game back for a penalty for a foul which hadn’t been committed after Simon had already scored.
Apparently, the advantage of having actually put the ball in the back of the net wasn’t enough for the match official as he decided that a spot-kick would benefit the Fatboys more.
SOB then decided to prove the doubters right by bottling the penalty, allowing Jenkins to wade up the pitch and coolly slot home.
New-found confidence in hand after the opener, the visitors did what they do best and almost immediately switched off as Royals looked to instantly react.
They soon found a way in down the Fatboys’ left where Davie opted to show the quicker Royals’ forward outside and he duly left Davie for dead before placing a shot into the far corner of the net.
The jury is out on whether Jones could have dealt better with the effort, but it was hot and it didn’t go over his head so we’ll let this one slide.
With this, the game petered out towards the trendy new drinks break and after a quick debrief and some changes (Wickwar for Potter, Parker for Des, Kane for O’Brien, Tolhurst for Evetts and Bod for Chappell), the action resumed.
The attacking substitutions took near immediate effect, and passes began to flow. After a year off for maternity leave, Parker started reminding everyone what he was about by smashing anything within 45 yards towards the opposing goal.
Real delight came a few minutes after the resumption. Bod decided to turn on the flair by spraying a Scholes-like volleyed pass perfectly into the path of the lively Tolhurst 40 yards away, who cut inside and tucked the ball in at the near post and through the goalkeeper’s legs to restore the Fatboys’ lead.
With that, enthusiasm and confidence began to flow like a bottle of 2011 Biondi-Santi Brunello di Montalcino on a warm Tuscany evening.
Cultured midfielder Lloyd was certainly in the swing of things, lashing an outside of the boot effort from distance only inches away from the top corner, with pleasing oohs ringing chorally from the mouths of his team mates. JP was taking notes.
Royals were struggling to gain a footing as the Fatboys assumed total control. The front three pressed everything, there was plenty of energy from midfield and the back four were resolute after the wake up call of conceding the equaliser.
Soon after the second, the Fatboys added a third and what a goal it was. Parker picked the ball up on the edge of the box after a Tolhurst corner was headed clear.
He took a touch out of the sky before unleashing an effort which the keeper could only watch sail past him into the top left hand corner of the net to extend the lead.
This would be JP’s only shot on target of the game with 54 further attempts coming from range, but what a shot it was.
Former Hassocks County League favourite Kane was making some promising runs in his first game since 2014 and with Tolhurst looking equally lively down the other flank, the Fatboys perhaps should have gone into half time with a larger advantage than two goals.
More of the same was the instruction at the break and to be fair to the boys, that is exactly what they gave Wickwar.
Oecken temporarily made way for Des and Chappell re-entered the fray for Bert who needed to reapply sun cream to his shiny beacon of a bonce.
Royals were after an improvement from their first half performance and they did look much better, earning some early corners via dangerous looking attacks as the Fatboys were under the cosh for the opening five minutes.
After some huffing and puffing, the men in purple’s legs got going again. Bod’s imposing figure bullied the space and he held the ball up well, bringing in Tolhurst and Kane who were offering ever-threatening movement.
Chappell was now in midfield, giving the Fatboys even more legs alongside Wickwar and Parker and it wasn’t long before the visitors regained their grip on the game.
Kane went close two or three times with his rust ultimately denying him a trademark goal which would have been richly deserved given his efforts.
The fourth arrived from a typically barelling run into the box from Chappell which ended with the ball popping free.
Wickwar nicked it from the swinging thump of the defender, which then met the rear of Wickwar’s knee rather than ball and thus earned the Fatboys a penalty. Wickwar hobbled off, Potter trotted on and Bod smashed home. 4-1.
At this point it seemed that heat and frustration had got the better of the home side and their youthful enthusiasm began to wane.
This allowed the Fatboys to enjoy themselves even more. Wickwar went close with a thunderous effort from range after tidy footwork as the ball clattered the upright.
The tiring opposing defence had no answer for what was now a marauding front five. Chappell, Kane, Bod and Tolhurst continued to cause problems with Gregg nearly latching onto a Kane cross. The Royals goalkeeper also made a number of smart stops to prevent the score becoming too hefty.
At this point, it would have been rude for the Fatboys not to experiment a little with their side. Wickwar brought O’Brien and Evetts back on at left and right back respectively, with Wilson going up front purely on the basis he was wearing yellow boots (sadly his rubber toe-punters did not debut).
Oecken then replaced Jenkins, who managed to tear his knee cartilage six days before he walks down the aisle – sorry Ali!
Perhaps it was out of concern for Jenkins of having to potentially carry out his nuptials on crutches, but it initially seemed as if SOB had resisted the temptation to lose his mind about being at full back with Wilson up front.
The veteran’s true feelings soon came to the boil however when he puffed out his chest and got in a scramble with the Royals winger in a fantastic hand-baggy affair. O’Brien and Wilson swiftly switched position as we couldn’t risk Hardman O’Brien murdering someone.
Having seen Wilson afforded a chance in attack, Davie began to lick his lips after earlier stating he was “a done man” unless he could return to the field up front. Davie did not return to the pitch.
As time ticked away and with the positional carousel in full swing, the Fatboys earned a late corner. Parker put in a delivery to the back post where the ball was met by the forehead of the onrushing Oecken, who duly nodded into the back of the net to complete the days’ scoring and make it 5-1.
The game would slow to an end with the final 10 minutes or so being littered with some sniping at the referee.
Bod was scolded by the official for sarcastically laughing at every decision which Royals were awarded and Kane showed that he hasn’t lost any of his ability when it comes to “getting in the ref’s ear” over the past six years.
Sadly, it is no more effective now than it was in 2014, although that may have been because there was a distinct lack of Kane’s favoured “ANY DANGER?” phrase. The striker would fashion one looping chance in the final seconds which bounced just over.
All in all, a very good morning for the Reserves, but evidently a pre-season game (the first one for that matter) should not become a laurel upon which to rest. Attention now turns to Thursday’s clash against a Lindfield 3rd XI managed by Nick Cones.
Hassocks Fatboys Reserves (4-3-3)
Nick Jones
Some token volleyball moments and maybe should have saved the goal but by and large was solid and his distribution was very much on point.
Sam Wilson
Odd to say that a player has come a long way in the last year given he is 33 years of age but simple and effective has become the routine for Sam.
Alex Oecken-Faithfull
A stellar debut with flair step-overs and Johan’s galore. Astute performance and seemed unfazed by the irregularity of the individuals whom he played with
Ali Jenkins
A goal for his effort and will feel aggrieved there wasn’t a clean sheet to back it up – commanded his backline well and dealt with the danger aptly.
Nick Davie
Played twice this weekend. Had a bad leg but still dealt with most threats efficiently and was very accomplished playing out from the back.
Rob Lloyd
Discovered the outside of his boot and was unfortunate not to notch. Industrial and drilled performance for the fan favourite. Hotly tipped to succeed Daniel Craig as the next 007.
Mark Potter
One of his best outings as far as this editor is concerned. Moved it well, some crucial interceptions and won challenges and headers. Plus he only fell over once.
Des Balderdash
Coped surprisingly well and was never caught gulping air despite his self-claimed condition. Physical and direct as always to good effect. It was noted by the opposition that he looks better without his “ridiculous hairband”.
Josh Evetts
Played a great pass in the build-up to the first and coped excellently with a secondary role at right back later in the game. Solid all-round performance.
Gregg Chappell
His usual bullish and nuisance self, contributed to a couple of goals and worked his socks off as per normal. Unfortunate not to make it onto the scoresheet.
Simon O’Brien: Rightly had a goal chalked off and only lost his mind for four seconds in total. A very energetic performance for a man who couldn’t run 50 metres up a pathway when training started two weeks ago. Now banned from wearing number seven.
Subs
Justin Parker
A foot made from the same Asgardian steel as Mjolnir. Came away with the pick of the goals after a great drive from range. A very good passing display from JP to boot.
Joe Tolhurst
The new youngest Fatboy was itching to get on and rightly so. Didn’t shy away from anything and was a constant handful for the Royals defenders, notching a goal for his efforts.
Reece Wickwar
Took all of 10 minutes to change his mind about not playing. Came agonisingly close to scoring a great goal and made a number of dangerous forays forwards.
Chris Clayton
Thrown off initially by the opposition having a bloke called El-Cod in their ranks. Bod’s physicality and hold-up play caused all manner of problems, especially from set-pieces. Another penalty in the bag.
Neil Kane
Some may question what on earth he was doing playing for Hassocks Fatboys Reserves. He was incredibly unfortunate not to score on more than one occasion and looked very threatening whenever he got the ball or had space in front.
Pre-season friendly
Sunday 9th August 2020
Furnace Green Playing Fields
Goals
Ali Jenkins
Assist Simon O’Brien
Joe Tolhurst
Assist Chris Clayton
Justin Parker
Assist Joe Tolhurst
Chris Clayton
Assist Reece Wickwar
Alex Oecken-Faithfull
Assist Justin Parker
Man-of-the-Match
Joe Tolhurst
Previous Matches
18/08/19: Fatboys II 2-1 Crawley Royals
27/01/19: Fatboys II 2-5 Crawley Royals
14/10/18: Crawley Royals 5-1 Fatboys II