“A spectacle so ghastly Spiesy considered retiring”

Horsted Keynes is about as picturesque a village as you will find in England. Tucked away in deepest, darkest Mid Sussex, there are two lovely country pubs, a green and sweeping views of both the North and South Downs. It even has its own station served by a steam railway.

Some might go so far as to describe Horsted Keynes as beautiful. Which is ironic as there was nothing pretty about the football match that took place when Hassocks Fatboys rolled in to face the village’s team in a pre-season friendly.

The Fatboys ended up triumphing 4-2 but it was a spectacle so ghastly that Spiesy considered bringing his 50-year playing career to an end with 75 minutes played. Nobody in green looked like they could be that bothered, save for Jordan who was desperate not to lose against the side he turns out for on a Saturday.

Jordan subsequently ended up with two goals with the Brown brothers notching one apiece. Stuart’s notably came from the penalty spot, his first successful conversion in a Fatboys shirt since 2014 when Gordon Brown was Prime Minister and Matt Jasper was 12-years-old.

HK were certainly more up for it than we were. They had cones, poles and all sorts of other equipment for their warmup which began an hour before kick off.

In contrast, we managed to piss off every single local with a property located behind the goal by firing at least six brand new footballs into hedges and back gardens.

One woman even came out of her home to return a football. She was clearly seething at the inconvenience, but managed to appear calm and friendly, only adding to the impression of Horsted Keynes as a wonderful place.

It was a reaction in stark contrast to the Seaford local who threatened to kill Bally a couple of years ago when a wayward shot somehow managed to ring a doorbell.

Ah, Bally. Our little Scottish defender was in the line up for the first time since October, starting at left back despite not knowing if he threw up a significant quantity of Rose wine in somebody’s bathtub the previous night.

Over on the right was Miles Collins who was in an equally bad way. “You turn up every week Miles no matter what state you are in, you have earned this start,” were words which left him looking frightened beyond belief.

Still, Miles cut a confident figure in his 45 minutes on the pitch. “Don’t pass me the ball”, “Miss me out”, “Why have you passed it to me”, and “I’m just a numbers player”, were just some of the lines we got out of him in a performance which involved making the odd tackle and kicking the ball as far up the touchline for Stuart to chase as possible.

Ryan and Turner renewed their centre back partnership from the 2018-19 season ahead of Scott in goal while the midfield three was made up of Andy, Mike McDonald and Jack.

The pre-season policy of rotating the captain’s armband meant that it was Jack’s turn to audition for the role. Any hopes that the responsibility might calm him down were dashed with 10 minutes left to play when he managed to get into a fight with a 52-year-old HK player called Spud.

In the past year, Jack has now been called an “ice cream” by the AFC 2015 assistant manager and squared up to a man named after a jacket potato. What footballer with a food connection will he manage to anger next?

Jordan led the line with Stuart one side and Matty J the other. It was a team which had footballing ability running through it but getting the ball down was going to be nigh-on impossible given that the pitch made the surface of the moon look like centre court at Wimbledon.

Of course, going long is not a problem for the Fatboys and it was two very agricultural goals that put us 2-0 ahead before the first water break arrived midway through the first half.

The first came when Stuart swung a corner over from the right, Turner knocked Andy out of the way to head the ball downwards and Jordan reacted quickest to fire the loose ball home.

Within five minutes it was 2-0 with what might just be the most Hassocks Fatboys-esque goal ever. Turner launched a goal kick a full 85 yards up the pitch. It sailed straight over the heads of the HK defence for Andy to latch onto and double the advantage.

The linesman’s flag went up for offside against Andy but of course, you cannot be offside from a goal kick. Not many of the HK players appeared to be aware of this and you couldn’t blame them really; as one said, “When have we ever had a goal kick come that far to need to know that rule?”

HK looked grateful for the first half water break as it gave them a chance to regroup. For the Fatboys, it destroyed any momentum which had been built up as we took our foot well and truly off the gas – part of the reason that the game became an even worse spectacle than it had been in the opening 20 minutes.

Jordan added a third shortly after the second quarter got underway when he was put in on goal by Matty J’s brilliant 25 yard through ball. The real highlights post-water though were a wasp flying up Scott’s arm and into his shirt, causing the referee to have to stop the game while the Fatboys goalkeeper ran around in a circle and stripped off to try and remove his unwanted intruder.

Ryan then chased down a HK through ball but he was so fast that rather than clear it, he merely ran straight past the ball before attempting a back heel when he realised he had gone too far. This simply gave possession to the opponents with Mike flying into a crucial block at the expense of a corner.

It was from said corner which HK pulled their first goal back. Nobody cleared the ball in and that gave a bald striker the opportunity to hit a ridiculously clean volley from 18 yards which went in via the crossbar.

3-1 quickly became 3-2 with a strange goal. Turner and his brother both reached a loose ball at the same time and one of them got the final touch to lift it over Scott who managed to ‘do a Jonesy’ by getting lobbed on his line.

Depending on your viewpoint, it was either an overhead kick for Horsted Keynes’ Turner or an own goal for Hassocks Fatboys’ Turner. For the sake of trying to convince Young Daniel to play every Sunday even though he is now a County League player, the dubious goals panel have decided it should go to Turner Senior.

Half time arrived and there were words of inspiration from newly appointed head coach Joe Brockes. “It’s poor,” were about all he could manage without risking being sick, leading to suspicions that it may have been the Goblin who threw up in the bathtub rather than Bally.

Brockesy’s morning was about to get a whole lot worse as he entered the fray for the second half. Brockesy and Bally linking up down the right was like the blind leading the blind at times, quite literally in Bally’s case when Spiesy told him to let a ball fly out of play for our throw.

Bally said he tried to avoid touching the ball, but he had shut his eyes and did not know where he was. Somehow, this resulted in him placing a totally unnecessary header out of play.

That may well have been the moment which set Spiesy over the edge. The second half water break arrived with HK having dominated the third quarter – only a brilliant block from Iby prevented them equalising – and Spiesy a very bewildered man. “If we carry on playing like this, it is a waste of all our time,” said the veteran before walking off to stand in the centre circle alone.

Nobody wants to see the hopes and dreams of a great man crushed, especially when that great man has been alive for over half a century. The final 20 minutes offered a slight improvement from everyone in green, culminating in a fourth goal arriving to wrap the game up.

It was another goal kick over the top from Turner which paved the way to success. HK’s left back said to Jordan as Turner prepared to launch the ball 80 yards down the pitch, “The referee hasn’t noticed anything today so I’m just going to hold you.”

With the sort of comic timing that makes writing these match reports a lot easier, the referee duly noticed that Jordan was being held and awarded a penalty. Stuart was charged with taking the kick as a reward for losing one-and-a-half-stone over the summer and he duly converted.