“Karel sets Guinness World Record for number of free headers missed in 90 minutes”

What a difference a week makes. Last Sunday at Horsted Keynes Recreation Ground, Hassocks Fatboys gave a performance so bad against the local side that the Fatboy’s official Twitter account forgot that it had ended in a 4-2 victory.

Fast forward seven days and it was a much more pleasing morning in this quaint little Mid Sussex village. Another Mid Sussex League outfit in Ansty Sports & Social provided the opposition but on this occasion, the Fatboys ran out comfortable 3-0 winners with a much improved showing.

There were plenty of positives to take away. A rare clean sheet was achieved without any centre backs or a right back. Jack Lewis was used as an emergency defender alongside Will Duncan who agreed to step into the breach after one too many pints at a Thai restaurant the previous evening.

Dave Linehan filled in as a makeshift right back with Rob Lloyd completing the back four. Bert retired from first team duty in the summer which predictably has led to him playing twice already for the fronts in pre-season. Based on this showing, he will be sorely missed by us but a great addition for the reserves.

A new look 4-4-2 worked very well and Jake Philpott looked like a man who was born to wear the Fatboys’ captain’s armband. There was even a multicultural strike force born far away from Sussex that would have had Nigel Farage choking on his marmalade and toast as Karel from Namibia was partnered by Rob from Hull.

Most pleasing of all though was that this was a game which the Fatboys controlled. Had Karel not put 27 free headers off target, then it is no exaggeration to say that the score could have been double figures as Stuart and Duck caused constant torment down the flanks.

Stuart even did some defending, a sign perhaps that he has been burnt by rumours that Bert’s retirement had been brought on because he was fed up with having to mark two men every Sunday while Stu tracked back with all the speed and purpose of a sloth.

The Fatboys took the lead through an absolutely incredible own goal from Chris Monk. It is a little known fact that Monkey actually played in a friendly for us once many years ago now. He clearly has not forgotten his roots as he met a Bert cross with an unbelievable glancing header past his own goalkeeper under pressure from the tireless Rob (from Hull).

Karel had already missed three similar opportunities by this point in time. In an ominous sign for the former Namibian Under 21 international, rumours began to circulate shortly after the final whistle that the Fatboys had approached Ansty about swapping a player who could head a ball in Monkey with one who could not in Karel. Neither club was available for comment.

Monkey came close to scoring at the right end when he leapt like the proverbial salmon to meet a corner but Scott McCarthy was equal to it, tipping the header onto the bar at full stretch. That was Ansty’s only real effort on goal as the Fatboy’s makeshift back four – and in particular, Jack and Will – looked extremely comfortable.

At half time we had the unusual sight of the Ansty goalkeeper coming over to join in the Fatboys team talk, wanting to praise Scott for his earlier save. Andy then told him that Scott had been on the books at Dundee United, which seemed like an incredible piece of fate tempting given that the Fatboys number one is always good for a comical howler the likes of which would not have got him far at Tannadice Park.

Surprisingly, Scott continued to live up to his newfound status as a one-time SPL prodigy by turning a powerful 25-yarder from former Fatboy Matt Kingshott over the bar early in the second half to ensure it remained 1-0.

With Karel continuing his quest to set a Guinness World Record for number of free headers missed in a 90 minute game, that save proved important before the Fatboys finally got a couple more goals which their dominance deserved in the closing stages.

Jake’s spellbinding pass teed up Stuart for the first with the helping hand of a deflection off Monkey. Brockesy entered proceedings for his customary 20 minutes immediately after that goal and he soon set up Keane for the third.

To the outside world, it may have looked as if Brockesy was trying to hit an ambitious 30 yard volley towards goal which subsequently sliced wildly out to the right wing. Seasoned Goblin observers will know however that he does nothing by accident and it was a wonderfully disguised cross field pass to set Duck away.

Duck still had a lot to do, cutting inside and hitting an effort with his left foot that the keeper made a bit of a mess of. It was not the cleanest of strikes, but a Keane goal with his weaker foot is a collector’s item rarer than hen’s teeth. Or should that be duck’s teeth?

Matt Batchellor received a first team debut in the closing stages, finding himself thrust into the action as a striker. Batch displayed some nice touches and you suspect that had he been given the sort of headed chance that Karel had missed (and missed… and missed… and missed… and missed… and missed…) then it might have even been a goalscoring debut for the capable goalkeeper.

All in all, this was a good penultimate run out of pre-season given the makeshift look of the Fatboys side. Perhaps most pleasingly of all, the result will have put a smile on the face of former Ansty favourite Nick Jones who had messaged before the game to say, “You better smash them.”