“Turns out you can’t concede six times inside the first 20 minutes and expect to win.”

As far as final preparations for the new Sussex Sunday League season go, then Hassocks Fatboys’ last friendly match went about as badly as you can possibly imagine.

How badly I hear you cry? Well, Burgess Hill Rhinos were 6-0 ahead after 20 minutes despite the fact they had the supposedly harder task of kicking into the a very strong wind at Downlands.

By half time, the score was 7-2. There was at least a rally from the Fatboys after the break as we won the second half 2-0, but the damage was already done. Turns out you cannot concede six times inside the first quarter of a game and expect to win. An important lesson ahead of the real stuff getting underway in a little over two weeks.

Central to all this was Steve Spies, who had (another) one of those performances that will be talked about for years to come. “It’s 6.45pm on a Thursday evening and I’m playing worse than I do on a Sunday morning when I’m still pissed,” Spiesy said midway through a first half which never seemed to end for the veteran defender.

Spiesy set the tone for his evening’s work within five minutes when an attempted back header to Scott lacked the required power to reach its intended target and the striker lifted the ball over the onrushing Scott to score. 0-1 to the Rhinos.

A couple of minutes later and a through ball went straight under the foot of Spiesy to leave another one-on-one. This time, the striker opted to skip around Scott to finish. 0-2 to the Rhinos.

A couple of minutes later and Spiesy decided he would try and play his way out of defence. Unfortunately, this only succeeded in him surrendering possession to the opposition who broke to score again. 0-3 to the Rhinos.

A couple of minutes later and the ball looked to be heading towards Spiesy for a routine clearance. That was until it hit an awkward bounce (on a 4G pitch), skidded straight past Spiesy and left the forward clean through. 0-4 to the Rhinos.

A couple of minutes later and the Rhinos won a corner. Spiesy turned around and said to Andy: “I know I’m having a shocker, but the one thing I can at least do is mark a player.” No prizes for guessing what happened next as Spiesy’s man scored a free header. 0-5 to the Rhinos.

A couple of minutes later and the Fatboys conceded a cheap free kick on the edge of the box. Just as it was about to be taken, Spiesy decided he would be of more benefit tucking onto the end of the wall than marking a man and so he broke into a light jog across the box. Cue a short free kick to the now completely unmarked player who had all the time in the world to advance into the box and rifle a shot home. 0-6 to the Rhinos.

To be fair to Spiesy, he was not the only one having a bad game. Nobody in the first half – other than perhaps Rob (from Hull) – could say they played well, and the Fatboys’ cause was not helped when new signing Adam Williams got injured in the warm up.

Willow attempted to start anyway. Within 30 seconds, he chased a ball across the pitch, could not get there and carried on running straight into the changing rooms. It was a record for shortest debut that is unlikely to ever be beaten.

Willow’s very early exit meant a tactical reshuffle. Jordan had started alongside Spiesy at the back but his services were now required alongside Rob (from Hull) up top. Matt Perry replaced Willow, joining the action at left back with Iby moving alongside Spies in the centre of defence.

Lining up in 4-4-2 also proved to be an unmitigated disaster. Every three years, 4-4-2 works in one game and we seem to convince ourselves it is the way forward. It then causes an incident like being 6-0 down in 20 minutes and is subsequently binned off again.

It was no coincidence that once 4-4-2 was abandoned in favour of the much more familiar 4-3-3, the Fatboys came into the game a little more.

At 0-3 down, Stuart hit a distance effort which forced a great save and Jordan was unlucky with the rebound. Duck then found Jordan who managed to miss an open goal from four yards out at 0-4.

Unsurprisingly, it was Rob (from Hull) who created the Fatboys’ first goal of the evening with a visionary through ball which Stuart tucked away. Less than two minutes later, a lovely passing move sliced through the Rhinos defence to release Duck down the right and his low cross was turned in by Stuart.

Two goals in 120 seconds via the first two bits of football we had played so far. Was the comeback on? No was the answer as Rhinos added their seventh of the first half from another set piece. At least this one was not Spiesy’s fault.

To compound the misery, Dave Linehan joined Willow in hobbling off injured at the end of the first half. Not a good day for Dave, who had rushed back from Bristol to be part of a defence conceding seven goals in 45 minutes.

There was a strange mixture of reactions to the debacle which had just gone at the interval, ranging from laughter to embarrassment to bemusement. Stuart meanwhile has clearly been watching Lord of the Rings over lockdown as he delivered a motivational speech which had all the hallmarks of Aragorn at the Black Gate. The captain’s armband seems to suit him well.

As already noted, the second half was a much improved showing. Stuart was a real driving force in midfield alongside Jack and Andy who were belatedly able to get their feet on the ball.

Spiesy and Iby no longer resembled the Chuckle Brothers, Miles performed admirably at right back and there was a first 45 minutes in over a year for fan favourite Rhyan Thwaites following a serious hamstring injury.

After picking the ball out of the back of the net seven times in the opening 45 minutes, Scott only had one save to make, reacting superbly to get a toe onto a low shot from close range, deflecting it behind for a corner.

Andy scored the Fatboys’ first goal of the second half, tapping in a Stuart cross at the far post after Thwaitesy had played a wonderful 45 yard cross field pass. The second came from the penalty spot as Stuart rounded off his hat-trick, doing just enough to take the Man-of-the-Match accolade from Rob (from Hull).