Hassocks Fatboys 9-0 BUCA Juniors
Hassocks Fatboys enjoyed the taste of victory for the first time in the 2020-21 season and in some style as they hammered BUCA Juniors 9-1 in the George Millyard Cup.
After suffering a 9-0 defeat to Queens Park on the opening day and a 5-3 reversal at Kingston Village last Sunday with threadbare squads full of walking wounded, the Fatboys were back to somewhere near full strength for this week.
Having 16 players fit and available made a real difference. So strong was the pool of players that Jordan Walsh was left on the bench on his return from suspension along with the veteran Steve Spies, Dave Linehan, Jon Ballantyne and Miles Collins.
There were both new and returning faces in the starting XI. Will Duncan made his competitive debut at centre back alongside the returning Andrew Davies and Oli Cleland was back in green for the first time since a 3-2 Roy Terrington Trophy exit to Hangover 96 in March 2018.
On that occasion, Fox had left Essex at 7am to travel back to Sussex and play, only to get sent off after 20 minutes for getting in a fight with a 25 stone opponent who had called him a “f**king maggot”. £40 petrol, £8 match fee and a £35 fine.
It is little wonder we hadn’t seen him for two-and-a-half years. Luckily, this was a much pleasanter experience for Fox, who enjoyed an excellent game in the holding midfield role.
Despite all the fresh blood, the most intriguing selection decision made by the Fatboys was to start Stuart Brown at right back. Being the team player that he is, Stuart agreed to start there without too much fuss…. providing he could be captain and take penalties. More on that later.
An unusually strong wind was blowing across Clayton and so when Stuart won the toss – already making him a more effective captain than brother Andy – the Fatboys decided to turn around and defend the hurricane howling towards the changing rooms.
There was little sign of the score line that was to come in the opening exchanges as BUCA were on top for the first 10 minutes. Scott McCarthy showed good handling to hold a testing shot from distance and the back four of Stuart, Davo, Will and Rob Lloyd – again relegated from the reserves – had to repel several dangerous looking attacks.
Eventually, the Fatboys began to work their way into the game with one lovely move in particular seeing Adam Williams draw a brilliant low save from the BUCA goalkeeper. The visiting number one then kept out a Fox piledriver and in a strange moment, even Jack Lewis had a shot on target.
The opening goal arrived with 19 minutes played as the Fatboys took a lead for the first time this season. Gregg Chappell was the architect, playing a delightful ball to Dave Keane who justified the management’s decision to play him through the middle by finishing with aplomb across the goalkeeper and into the far corner.
BUCA were still in the game right up until the half hour mark. That was when their defender bizarrely talked himself into a sin bin for complaining too much after his side had been awarded a free kick, becoming possibly the first player in football history to be sent from the field of playing for moaning about a decision going his way. Not even Ryan John has managed that.
This incredible moment of madness proved costly as the Fatboys added three goals in the 10 minutes which BUCA had to play shorthanded in. Gregggggggggg again fed Duck who made it 2-0 before Duck turned provider for Willow who lashed home the third.
The fourth goal arrived when Duck swung over a corner which Davo rose highest to meet with a bullet header for his first goal in Fatboys colours. BUCA went back up to 11 players after that but not even that could stem the flow of the now-rampant Fatboys, who added a fifth on the stroke of half time.
Willow was brought down in the box, leaving the referee with no choice other than to point to the spot. Having struck that penalty taking deal before kick off, Stuart headed on his merry way up the pitch with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.
Much to everyone’s delight, Stuart then took an absolutely dreadful penalty which the BUCA keeper had no problems in keeping out. Whilst most of his teammates burst into laughter at this turn of events, Gregggggggggg latched onto the rebound to turn the loose ball home and make it 5-0.
With the game all but won, there were a raft of changes in the second half. Most notably, a crestfallen Stuart was moved up front to try and cheer him up after his penalty miss.
It didn’t take long for the Fatboys to pick up where they had left off. Another penalty was won after Davo was held in the box within seven minutes of the restart. With Stuart now struck off, Duck seemed the most likely candidate to take but he had mysteriously disappeared to hide in the bushes after becoming terrified of spot kicks following a horror run in the 2018-19 season.
Instead, the responsibility fell to Willow who showed Stuart how it was done with a confident kick despatched low and hard. The seventh arrived just three minutes later when a quickly taken throw from Stuart found Karel Kutaa who turned a man before firing home.
The Fatboys’ final two goals came from Jordan, who had only been on the pitch around five minutes before he found the back of the net. Davo claimed the assist with a clever knock down.
Goal number nine came when a lovely little back heel from Willow fed Jordan who drilled a shot towards goal which Karel may or may not have got the final touch on. The dubious goals panel will have to decide (and could be swayed by a bottle of Malbec).
There were still over 20 minutes to go at this point in time and the Fatboys could have been eyeing up a club record win, eclipsing the 11-0 success against Bison Beer (even Davie scored) from 2019.
Instead, only one more goal was added and it came from BUCA. A pretty tame free kick looked to be heading straight to Scott who, having not touched the ball for the best part of an hour, seemed to forget what it was he was meant to be doing as he fell over his own leg and the shot trickled into the back of the net.
One BUCA player shouted “The comeback is on” which is exactly the sort of nonsense we love to hear. Unfortunately for our visitors, they could not find the required eight goals in the final three minutes to force penalties and so the Fatboys marched into a second round, where they will meet either Kemp Town or BN Dons.
Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
He was so bored by his morning that he decided to gift BUCA their consolation in comedy style in the closing stages.
Stuart Brown
Agreed to play at right back as long as he got to be captain and take penalties. Went onto miss said penalty. Makes you wonder if there is a God after all.
Andrew Davies
Was mesmerised by the fact a BUCA midfielder played while wearing a beanie hat. Two goals and one assist on an excellent first outing of the season.
Will Duncan
Didn’t put a foot wrong on his competitive debut for the club. He too found the beanie hat astonishing, although not quite to the levels of Davo.
Rob Lloyd
Made his third start of the season for the first team as his retirement continues to go well. Always a willing outlet on the left.
Oli Cleland
His return after a two-and-a-half year absence resulted in the midfield not being overrun for the first time this season. Good to have him back.
Jack Lewis
Surprised everyone by having a shot and got through lots of honest work. Once substituted, he and the spectating Nick Jones held their own photoshoot on the side lines for league snapper Andrew Hazelden.
Adam Williams
At the heart of everything good the Fatboys did. Two more goals, an assist and there was even photographic evidence of him making a tackle.
Gregg Chappell
He is in danger of becoming a first team regular at this rate. Set both Duck’s goals up and then reacted quickest to net the rebound after Stuart’s penalty had been saved.
Dave Keane
Given a rare chance through the middle and he took it with a brace. BUCA could not live with him in the first half as he was involved in four of the five goals.
Karel Kutaa
Opened his account for the season with a second half goal. Needs to get his car seen to urgently as the engine sounded like an industrial sized lawnmower this week.
Subs
Dave Linehan
Got an extended run out in midfield in which he displayed some nice touches.
Jon Ballantyne
Graced us with his presence and was eager to make an impression at left back. Did that when the chance to control a simple pass saw the ball whizz straight under his foot.
Jordan Walsh
Back in the squad after suspension and two weeks in quarantine. Took him less than than 10 minutes to grab a brace.
Steve Spies
Wandered onto the pitch, shielded a ball over the top off for a goal kick, hobbled off the pitch. To be fair, he didn’t put a foot wrong in the two minutes he was on for.
Miles Collins
Turned up remarkably sober for the second week running. He linked up well with Chappell on the right hand side.
George Milyard Cup First Round
Sunday 27th September 2020
Clayton Green
Goals
Dave Keane (19′)
Assist Gregg Chappell
Dave Keane (34′)
Assist Gregg Chappell
Adam Williams (35′)
Assist Dave Keane
Andrew Davies (39′)
Assist Dave Keane
Gregg Chappell (44′)
Assist Stuart Brown
Adam Williams (52′)
Assist Andrew Davies
Karel Kutaa (55′)
Assist Stuart Brown
Jordan Walsh (60′)
Assist Andrew Davies
Jordan Walsh (66′)
Assist Adam Williams
Man-of-the-Match
Could have gone to a whole host of candidates. Adam Williams takes it though for his two goals and assist (plus the fact I feel bad about not giving it to him last week).