Physics Athletico 1-2 Hassocks Fatboys
There is something about Seaford which seems to bring out the best in Hassocks Fatboys. Walmer Road is one of the hardest places to go on the Sussex Sunday League circuit and yet for the second season running, the Fatboys found themselves making the long journey back to Mid Sussex with all three points.
Last year’s 4-1 win against Physics Athletico was impressive in that it was the first home game Physics had lost for three years. This 2-1 success was even better as it was achieved with a threadbare squad and following what can only be described as a terrible start to the Premier Division season.
Ruled out with the mysterious Seaford Knee injury that seems to strike whenever we travel to Physics were Jon Ballantyne, Joe Brockes, Oli Cleland, Andrew Davies, Will Duncan, David Ibrahim, Matt Jasper, Ryan John, Dave Keane, Karel Kutaa, Dave Linehan, Matt Perry, Steve Spies, Rhyan Thwaites, Dan Turner and Adam Williams. Just the 16 players.
All those absentees meant that Rob Lloyd and Gregg Chappell had to remain with the first team rather than returning to the reserves. They were joined by Nick Davie, the poor sod who every year without fail gets called up for the trip to Physics as a result of all those Seaford Knees.
Scott McCarthy thought he had come up with a solution to preventing Seaford Knee occurring in the future. “Next time we play Physics,” said the Fatboys number one, “Why don’t we book into a Travelodge and have a Saturday night out in Seaford?”
This received short shrift from his team mates, although one comment of “I’d rather go to a bat eating club in Wuhan” seemed particularly harsh on the Seaford nightlife. At least staying in a Travelodge would mean having access to a working toilet, which because of Covid-19 reasons was denied to the Fatboys at Walmer Road. This led to the troubling scenes of one player heading off to a set of nearby bushes with a spare Lindfield FC sock in hand.
Lack of toilets was not the only issue. It was also pissing down with rain to the point that nobody from Hassocks emerged from their car until 10.20am, sacrificing any sort of warm up in favour of staying dry.
What followed was a surprisingly positive start from the Fatboys despite that lack of preparation. Gregggggg, Stuart Brown and Jamie Wilkes made for a lively front three who caused problems almost from the first whistle. Gregggggg was hauled to the ground inside the box twice in the first 25 minutes which on another day might have resulted in penalties whilst Stuart put a couple of efforts off target as well as being denied by the goalkeeper.
Stuart’s wastefulness in front of goal resulted in brother Andy yelling at him: “STUART PUT SOME MORE SWAZZ ON THE BALL.” A Physics defender asked Stuart what this meant but he didn’t know. In fact, if anyone has a vague idea what swazz on the ball refers to then please get in touch.
When not speaking bollocks, Andy covered every blade of grass on his return from suspension with Jack Lewis and Ronnie Devonish mopping up everything in the holding midfield roles. Ronnie cannot have lost a header all morning, no mean feat given he was playing against a Physics midfield made of giants. What do they put in the water in the Seaford to make everyone so tall?
The real stars of the first half show though were the back four and Scott McCarthy in goal. A howling wind should have made defending in the first half an onorous task and yet they dealt with it admirably. Davie justified the decision to bring him along with arguably his best ever game for the first team, Bert was his normal reliable self at left back and Jordan Walsh and Mike McDonald were superb at the heart of the defence.
The previous occasion that duo had started together at centre back saw Jordan sent off after 20 minutes and Mike after 70 in the semi final of the Roy Terrington Cup against Kemp Town back in March. This was a far cry from that painful experience, even after Mike had warned his team mates before the game “I’m a very hungover man who is just passing through Seaford on his way from Burgess Hill to Eastbourne.”
Scott only had one save to make in the first half but it was good one. A rare slip from Mike leaving a one-on-one which the Fatboys goalkeeper kept out with a strong hand.
The second half was just five minutes old when the Fatboys took the lead. Andy took a quick throw out on the left deep in the Physics third, Stuart met it with a beautiful back heeled volley flick thing which Wilkesy collected and rifled past the goalkeeper. “IS THAT ENOUGH SWAZZ FOR YOU ANDY?” shouted Stuart to leave the hosts even more bemused than they had been in the first half.
A second goal arrived just past the hour mark when the referee made up for the two penalties he had missed earlier in the game by awarding a spot kick for handball. Wilkesy earned it when his attempted flick around a Physics defender was practically caught in the box. Andy took it upon himself to take the penalty which he swazzed home for his first of the season.
The Fatboys now found themselves in the unusual position of being 2-0 ahead with 28 minutes left to play. Needless to say, Physics began to throw everything forward and it took a remarkable defensive effort to repel wave after wave of attacks in a second half that seemed to go on forever.
As Physics became increasingly desperate to find a way through, they began throwing themselves to the ground in the area at the slightest bit of contact. Regular watchers of the Fatboys will know that this is completely unnecessary as this a team who are more than capable of giving away at least one penalty per game without the need for the opposition to cheat.
The otherwise outstanding Ronnie was the guilty party on this occasion as he got into a tangle with a Physics forward, presenting one of our favourite opposition players, Haribo, with the chance to set up a very tense final 15 minutes.
Scott though pulled off a wonderful save from the penalty at full stretch to his left before recovering to scramble the loose ball away. There was an equally impressive stop five minutes later when a Physics player was left unmarked in the box to a power a header in from point blank range which Scott pushed over the bar.
Still, Physics kept coming forward. New signing Alex Bates, Miles Collins and Josh Evetts – who had also stepped down from the reserves to boost the first team’s numbers – were all introduced for the last 10 with Stuart willingly switching to right back in an attempt to preserve the lead.
Physics eventually found the back of the net when Mike fell flat on his back when attempting to clear in what must have been the 100th minute of the game. Jordan was certainly not impressed by the amount of time added on, shouting at the referee “IT’S F**KING TWENTY FIVE PAST TWELVE” like an adult version of the talking clock.
Surprisingly, this outburst from Jordan had the desired impact and the referee blew up seconds later to signal another win in Seaford against the odds. Perhaps we should go for that night out there after all.
Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
Two outstanding saves from open play to go with the penalty stop helped to earn his team three points.
Nick Davie
A reluctant recruit to the first team cause. Turned out be had nothing to worry about as he gave one of his best ever performances in a Fatboys shirt.
Jordan Walsh
Reminded everyone of his versatility with a colossal 90 minutes at centre back. Organised everything, hardly lost a header and hinted at a future career change to become the voice of the talking clock.
Mike McDonald
“They haven’t realised I can’t see straight,” he said at half time. That didn’t stop him putting in a rock solid performance, although Andy seemed less than impressed by him marking the post from corners in the first half.
Rob Lloyd
Another dependable showing at left back from a man who must have thought his days of Seaford away were over when he retired from first team duty in the summer.
Jack Lewis
This was a Jack-type game: a real battle on a pitch wet enough to justify him making a slide tackle every three minutes. He was excellent.
Ronnie Devonish
Regained possession constantly for his side. His aerial dominance against a Hagrid-sized opponent was astonishing.
Andy Brown
Returned from suspension with a well taken penalty. His rapid thinking also set up the first via a quickly taken throw and a good morning’s work was complete with the invention of the term swazz.
Gregg Chappell
On another day, he wins two penalties for his team. Drew a couple of impressive saves from the goalkeeper too as he continues to look at home in the Premier Division following his relegation from the reserves.
Stuart Brown
Apologised afterwards for missing a number of chances but nobody cared. He ran himself into the ground and even willingly had a stint at right back in a captain’s performance.
Jamie Wilkes
Despite spending most of the 90 minutes worrying about the fact he hadn’t been to the toilet to eject the previous night’s curry, he still managed to claim a goal and an assist.
Subs
Alex Bates
New signing made an instant impression by wearing a set of child’s white socks over his football socks. Showed some nice touches and a good work rate in the time he was on the pitch.
Miles Collins
Came on up front in the closing stages. His popularity among the squad was boosted when his little car had what looked like six or seven players getting changed in it at one point before the game.
Josh Evetts
His first team debut seven years after first joining the club. Watching him run the ball into the corner whilst looking extremely panicked was the highlight.
Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 4th October 2020
Walmer Road
Goals
Jamie Wilkes (50′)
Assist Stuart Brown
Andy Brown (62′)
Assist Jamie Wilkes
Man-of-the-Match
Could have been any one of Jordan Walsh, Nick Davie, Jamie Wilkes, Ronnie Devonish or Scott McCarthy but the popular vote was for the goalkeeper for his penalty save.
Previous Meetings
01/09/19: Physics Athletico 1-4 Fatboys
04/08/19: Physics Athletico 2-2 Fatboys
17/02/19: Fatboys 1-0 Physics Athletico
20/01/19: Fatboys 1-3 Physics Athletico
16/09/18: Physics Athletico 4-1 Fatboys
19/08/18: Physics Athletico 5-0 Fatboys II
11/03/18: Fatboys II 3-4 Physics Athletico
04/12/16: Physics Athletico 5-0 Fatboys II
09/10/16: Fatboys II 2-5 Physics Athletico