Hassocks Fatboys 2-3 Hove
It was 11.20am on Sunday 11th October 2020 when Stuart Brown issued his rallying cry. “We’ve got no chance of winning the league this year,” said the Hassocks Fatboys vice captain. “But we could win this cup.”
45 minutes later and the Fatboys were out of the Roy Terrington Trophy at the first round stage having been beaten 3-2 by Hove, a team from Division Two who had lost all five of their league games so far this season.
There have been a lot of low moments in Hassocks Fatboys history, but this was up there. How did a Premier Division side manage to lose to a team who have not won a single point in Division Two in 2020-21? The simple answer is that we were absolutely abysmal.
Had somebody been present to record the Fatboys’ pass completion rate, it would have been a genuine shock for it to be over 25%. The most passes that we successfully strung together all game was four and that was in the 91st minute when Jordan Walsh ensured that we lost by just the one goal – with only our second shot on target.
It was a result that flattered Hove, actually. The visitors deserved to win by three or four. The embarrassment could have been significantly worse were it not for a disallowed goal, the cross bar and a couple of decent stops from Scott McCarthy.
Part of the reason that we were so atrocious is that we made the cardinal sin of underestimating our opponents. You should never do that in Sunday League, let alone when you are a team as inconsistent as the Fatboys. Not many sides could go from grinding out three Premier Division points away at Physics Athletico – opponents who never lose at home – to being turned over 3-2 by visitors from two divisions below.
Stuart for example was reported to have been rambling on Saturday night about how much he wanted to make a cup final… whilst holding a pint of rum. As the great Jamie Wilkes said: “Actions spoke louder than words in this case.” Maybe if we hadn’t spent the previous evening sinking rum or turned up at Clayton expecting an easy 90 minutes, we might have made it into round two.
The first half was a truly awful spectacle. Jake Philpott and Dave Keane both limped off early with Mike McDonald and Matt Perry entering the action from the bench. Mike had declared himself too hungover to start the game, so being summoned after less than 15 minutes was far from ideal for him. He slotted in at centre back alongside Jack Lewis with Fox moving into midfield.
Hove’s right winger made Usain Bolt look like a combine harvester and he gave Rob Lloyd a torrid time to the point that Bert’s only option was to start 20 yards deeper in the hope that the wide man couldn’t tear past him. Not even that had the desired impact however and Scott had to make an excellent reaction save low down to his right from a one-on-one with around 20 minutes on the clock.
It was completely against the run of play and completely undeserved when the Fatboys took the lead on 28. A Hove defender inexplicably decided to handle the ball in the box under absolutely no pressure at all, giving Andy Brown the chance to strike from the penalty spot. Nobody in green could quite believe that we were ahead.
Even more surprising was the fact we made it to half time with the lead. Hove’s 12 foot tall striker was Jan Koller reincarnated and a real handful to play against. He thought he had equalised, only for the linesman’s flag to go up and signify that the ball was out of play in the build up.
Hove then rattled the bar with a beautifully struck effort from the edge of the box which bounced down onto the line. Thankfully, Mid Sussex District Council are yet to fork out for Hawk-Eye to be installed at Clayton and so we got away with that as Hove probably should have had an equaliser.
It was fairly obvious at the break that if the Fatboys continued playing as poorly in the second half, then Hove would end up victorious. That was the message that Stuart tried to deliver when trashing his teammates’ hopes and dreams of winning the league. It was one that ultimately fell on deaf ears
There was another change at half time as David Ibrahim came on at left back in a tactical reshuffle which saw Karel Kutaa move up front from the unusual right back berth in which he started. Iby looked eager for his first taste of action of the season as he ran onto the pitch, only to be instantly turned around by the referee.
Unfortunately, Iby had been left off the team sheet and despite Hove saying that they were happy for him to come on, the official told Iby he could play no part in the game. This resulted in Iby being voted as the Fatboys’ Man-of-the-Match as the only player who didn’t embarrass themselves in the debacle. Congratulations!
If anything, the second half was even worse than the first. Nothing summed it up better than Fox attempting to get a pass under control but his touch being so heavy that the ball instead rebounded off his foot, into the air and over the heads of two surprised Hove defenders. Fox then latched onto the ball to make this look like a wonderfully planned piece of skill – that was until he fell over, anyway.
Hove finally got the goal they deserved 20 minutes into the second half when the referee decided that the Fatboys had been riding their luck for too long and awarded a ridiculously soft penalty. Young Matt had put in a superb challenge to win the ball in the box, only for the official to point the spot. Scott could not repeat his penalty saving heroics of the previous week and the visitors were on level terms.
Mike’s hangover then got the better of him as he talked his way into the sin bin. Given that we were barely hanging on with 11 on the pitch, it came as no surprise when Hove took the lead whilst the Fatboys were shorthanded with a well taken goal bent into the top corner from just inside the box.
With the Fatboys pushing forward in search of an equaliser, Hove added their third on the counter. Scott made a good save from a one-on-one but nobody was on hand to clear the rebound and so Koller fired home for the goal he had been threatening all morning.
The game was into injury time when the Fatboys managed their first passing move of the game. That resulted in a first shot on target from open play and a lovely goal for Jordan, whose powerful effort from a Fox pass was placed perfectly out of reach of the goalkeeper.
It was too little, too late. The final whistle was greeted with wild celebrations from Hove and who could blame them? After losing all five of their league games so far, they had beaten a team from two divisions higher.
The Fatboys’ Roy Terrington Cup dreams were over for another season. Andy refused to talk to anyone. Stuart looked appalled. Fox said he had forgotten how to play football. Scott pointed out the last 60 seconds were good, shame about the preceding 90 minutes. Pints of rum all round please, Gordon.
Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
There was nothing he could about any of the goals. Made some important saves to prevent things becoming even more embarrassing.
Karel Kutaa
Started at right back and ended up front. He made some wonderful noises before leaving Clayton dressed in what can only be described as a female cyclist outfit.
Jack Lewis
Played out of position at centre back where he had the sizable task of dealing with the Hove Jan Koller, which he did admirably.
Oli Cleland
Entered the book for a heavy tackle. His touch to lift the ball over the top of two defenders and chase onto it was spectacular, even if it was completely unintentional.
Rob Lloyd
Would have needed a long nap on Sunday afternoon after attempting to keep up with the Hove right winger.
Jake Philpott
Limped off early into the first half and although he returned at half time, he seemed be to impacted by the circus going on around him.
Stuart Brown
It wasn’t so long ago that Stuart lost his mind anytime he wasn’t played up front. He got through a central midfield role and a spell at right back before succumbing to injury.
Andy Brown
Successfully converted a penalty for the second Sunday running. Lots of running around and a lot of swearing.
Gregg Chappell
Put in a shift out on the right but his teammates never really managed to get him into the game. A frustrating morning.
Jordan Walsh
Back up front after the previous week’s superb performance at the heart of the defence. When a chance was created for him, he duly took it.
Dave Keane
Started on the left. Got injured. Went off. Came back on the right. Got injured. Went off.
Subs
Mike McDonald
Did not look a well man on arrival and he cannot have been happy to be pressed into action inside of 15 minutes. Managed to get himself a breather with a spell in the sin bin.
Matt Perry
Tried to use the ball in midfield before having a decent stint at left back. Unlucky to concede a penalty with what looked like a perfectly timed tackle.
Miles Collins
Came in for his traditional 15 minute cameo at right back. Played a couple of good balls up the line.
Roy Terrington Trophy First Round
Sunday 11th October 2020
Clayton Green
Goals
Andy Brown (28′)
Assist Hove player’s ridiculous handball
Jordan Walsh (90+1′)
Assist Oli Cleland
Cards
Oli Cleland Yellow
Sliding tackle that went wrong
Mike McDonald Sin Bin
Fancied a breather as he was hungover
Man-of-the-Match
David Ibrahim was the only player who did not put a foot wrong.
Previous Meetings
26/11/17: Fatboys 2-1 Hove
14/12/14: Hove 4-3 Fatboys II
21/09/14: Fatboys II 1-6 Hove