White Garden 5-1 Hassocks Fatboys
Sunday League YouTube sensations White Garden proved to be too strong for Hassocks Fatboys, who saw their Sussex Sunday Challenge Cup hopes ended in a first round defeat away in sunny Newhaven.
There had been quite the furore over the summer when a famous social media celebrity announced that he had taken over Garden. Theo Baker is his name and has over 92,000 followers on Twitter. I’d never heard of him before, but then why would you? He isn’t Saffron Barker, after all.
Theo did not seem to be present as far as we could tell for the big one in the County Cup, thank goodness. Otherwise, our shambolic first half performance on the way to a 5-1 defeat might have ended up being broadcast to his 901,000 subscribers on YouTube. That is a lot of people to be embarrassed in front of.
Imagine 901,000 people witnessing a 51-year-old centre back give away a goal before shouting “SPIESY YOU PRICK” at himself? Or 901,000 watching Fatboys captain Stuart Brown growling like a wounded bear as he runs the ball out of play?
Or 901,000 people seeing Miles Collins sprint 60 yards up the right hand touchline to get away from where the action is going on so that he doesn’t get passed the ball? Or Jamie Wilkes running around in a pair of black child’s shorts which rode three quarters of the way up his legs, making him look like Mr Burns?
On second thoughts, perhaps Theo should have been there. His YouTube football channel could have been turned into a YouTube comedy channel thanks to our ineptitude, a show to rival to that episode of Chucklevision where Paul and Barry end up playing for Rotherham United.
With such a famous YouTube on board, you would think that White Garden might be able to afford a pitch without a massive hole in the middle of it. Laying just outside the centre circle was a crater the size of Andy Brown’s head which meant that at one point, the referee was debating whether the game should go ahead.
Calling it off would have been a disaster from a Fatboys point of view. Somehow, we had managed to find 16 willing participants for a trip to Newhaven when normally, the sights and sounds of the town’s local rubbish incinerator and a dirty great industrial port are a difficult sell for getting players out of bed for a 45 minute journey at 8am on a Sunday morning.
Take the Physics Athletico game two weeks earlier for example. We had only nine first team players for the trip to Seaford before dipping into the reserves for some help. 14 days on and it is still something of a mystery how we won 2-1 at Walmer Road.
On this occasion though, we were actually oversubscribed. Perhaps it was the chance to appear on YouTube which made so many want to travel to Newhaven. Or maybe the fact that for all its faults, it is town with a McDonalds and a KFC within about 100 metred of each other.
Whatever the reason, this game had to go ahead as any rearrangement risked a return with half the numbers we had managed to drag down to the banks of the River Ouse.
Luckily, Mike McDonald had a solution to the hole. “I’ve got a bag of sand in my car… for burying all the dead bodies,” he said to a referee who laughed nervously, clearly unsure if Mike was joking or not. Some of Mike’s teammates were a bit unsure if we are being honest. Doubt must have remained in the referee’s mind as we got most of the early decisions, the official quite sensibly not being willing to risk the ire of a potential serial killer by giving an offside against him.
Anyway, Mike trotted off to fetch this bag of sand from the car and five minutes later he was happily filling the hole up. The game could go ahead and this near-full strength Fatboys side could test themselves against a very good White Garden outfit – probably the best team we have played this season. Losing 5-1 was not a great surprise given some of the quality they had in their squad.
Still, there was a sense of disappointment among the away contingent. Had we not given away three cheap goals in an abysmal opening 25 minutes, then it might have been a different game. We might have only lost by one.
The first 20 minutes was very much one way traffic towards the Fatboys goal. On the rare occasions that we did manage to get the ball into the Garden half, the front three seemed to have left their first touch back in Mid Sussex as possession was just given back to Garden to launch another attack.
This proved to be particularly frustrating for Stuart, who was finding out just how difficult it is to be a defender for Hassocks Fatboys with another stint at left back. His mood was not improved when he took the ball close to the touchline and Jordan waved to signal it had gone out.
Stuart’s tirade nearly earned him a spell in the sin bin. You might think it unusual for a player to have a go at his own teammate for giving an honest decision against him, but this was nothing compared to the time we lost 3-1 against Physics in January 2019 and Jack started screaming at Bally that he was a ****.
When the referee told Jack this was unacceptable use of language towards an official, Jack responded with: ““HE’S MY MATE, I CAN CALL HIM A F**KING **** BECAUSE HE IS A F**KING ****.” Technically, Jack was of course right – as anyone who has had to spend 30 minutes driving around Cheltenham in a minibus at 1am on a Wednesday morning looking for a drunk Bally attempting to walk the 17 miles back to Evesham can attest to.
Back to the action at hand. Garden took the lead when a nice passing move sliced through the Fatboys defence, Spiesy lost his man and that left a simple finish past Scott McCarthy for 1-0. This goal sparked Spiesy calling himself a prick, much to the delight of the large watching crowd.
Young Matt Perry had already hobbled off by this point after being caught on the knee. His place was taken by Dave Linehan which was exciting because every season, Dave tries to set a world record for number of Cruyff Turns an individual can perform.
Having missed the past three games, he looked determined to make up for lost time by producing as astonishing seven in a row as he twirled around on the spot at right back before spinning himself out of play. It was a wonderful sight.
Garden’s second goal came through some more interesting defending when nobody could convincingly clear and their third when Serial Killer Mike did brilliantly to force a striker well wide of goal, only for Scott to cock up his angles and leave a gaping gap at the near post for a shot to fly in.
With Wilkesy and Adam Williams having yet to touch the ball and Karel having had five touches which had given him a 100% pass completion rate to Garden, the Fatboys made a tactical tweak by dropping Wilkes into midfield and moving Willow onto the left of the front three.
This had the desired effect and suddenly, the Garden defence and goalkeeper had something to think about. Andy drew a brilliant full stretch tip over the bar from a header after a Gregg Chappell cross to suggest we weren’t completely out of it and the hosts were reasonably relieved to get to half time without conceding.
There was one change at the break with Jordan replacing Gregg. The second half continued where the first had left off and within six minutes of the restart, the Fatboys pulled one back. Karel actually managed to hold onto the ball, beat a man and found Andy who converted to make it 3-1. Suddenly, it was game on.
Willow forced the Garden goalkeeper into an outrageous flying save and the Fatboys then hit the bar from the resulting corner. Willow limping off once he realised he wasn’t going to be on television was a blow, although his replacement Alex Bates came close with a powerful drive that was inches away.
Further injuries began to bite and Jordan soon had to leave the field with Spiesy also trotting off. Garden had been a real threat all morning from long throws and the only reason they hadn’t added to the score from such scenarios was becasue Spiesy’s old, bald head had won everything in the air.
Needless to say, Garden went and notched from their first long throw once Spiesy had departed with a free header which made it 4-1 and wrapped the game up. There was a futher injury blow when David Ibrahim pulled his quad just two minutes after replacing the veteran Spies, forcing him out of the action too.
That meant Jack had to finish the game at centre back alongside Mike. Jack isn’t the tallest man, but he had clearly been watching Spiesy at work as he won most things in the air in the final 10 minutes – a particularly impressive feat given that Garden continued to wrack up the corners.
There was a fascinating conversation between Jack and the referee from one such instance. Jack was desperate to get home by this point and so asked the official in a plea to speed things up: “Does it matter if the corner isn’t taken from the side the ball went out?”
“Yes” came the reply from the referee. “Why?” asked Jack. “I’ve no idea” said the referee. Full marks for honesty.
Miles also came on for an exciting cameo in which he shouted “NO” as Andy went to pass him the ball. He then ran 60 yards up the pitch and away from the action rather than risk being passed to, which might just be one of the best things that has ever happened in a Fatboys game.
Garden added a fifth when a low shot beat Scott and the Fatboys goalkeeper prevented the score becoming worse with an excellent one-on-one save to go with a few decent first half stops. This was a morning to forget by-and-large but at least none of it made it onto camera. Be grateful for small mercies.
Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
Made three good stops although Lord knows where he was going for the third goal. Hopefully whoever draws him in (Covid-19 compliant) Secret Santa buys a geometry set to improve those angles.
Matt Perry
Was looking good on his first competitive start for the club until injury struck early on. It looked a nasty one, so finger crossed he will not be out for too long.
Mike McDonald
The difference between hungover Mike and sober Mike is absolutely staggering. The best Fatboy on the pitch and that is not just being said because of the bag of sand in the car.
Steve Spies
Held his hands up for the first goal but he did not lose a header after that. Followed up this 5-1 defeat by driving to Horsham to lose 7-3 for Haywards Heath Vets in the afternoon.
Stuart Brown
Had a solid game at left back bar his meltdown at Jordan after the ball went out of play. Did his best to make something happen when deployed in midfield late on.
Jack Lewis
Looked far from impressed when asked to drop in at centre back against the giant Garden attack. Didn’t lose a header while there to round off a good 90 minutes.
Andy Brown
A little all over the place in the holding role, he was much improved when moved into the number 10 position midway through the first half. Popped up with a goal as he continues to hunt down the century.
Adam Williams
Stung the palm of the Garden goalkeeper with a powerful effort. He showed some nice touches once we belatedly got him into the game after 30 minutes before limping off.
Gregg Chappell
Had a couple of strong runs at the Garden left back and delivered some teasing crosses. Must be close to overtaking Bally as best linesman at the club for the gusto he brings to the role.
Karel Kutaa
An interesting first half in which his first touch was heavier than Pavarotti. Had a much better second 45 which included the assist for Andy’s goal.
Jamie Wilkes
His best contribution was to be photographed controlling a ball with his shin pad while wearing a tiny pair of shorts and looking like Mr Burns. An already iconic image in Fatboys history.
Subs
Dave Linehan
A ridiculous number of Cruyff Turns and stepovers. Made a couple of crucial interventions at right back.
Jordan Walsh
Only fit enough for a place on the bench. He caused a few problems when introduced up top for the second half before producing a textbook roll off the pitch after a hefty tackle brought his morning to an early end.
David Ibrahim
Another substitute who left the action through injury. He lasted around two minutes before his quad pinged, continuing a luckless start to the campaign.
Alex Bates
The new signing showed a lot of good intent, including when going close with a powerful distance drive. Disappointed to see that the white child’s socks over his own have been ditched after one game.
Miles Collins
“Miles is the only man I know who turns up every morning for Sunday League football but doesn’t actually want to play football.” And that is why we love him.
Sussex Sunday Challenge Cup First Round
Sunday 18th October 2020
Eastside Recreation Ground
Goals
Andy Brown (51′)
Assist Karel Kutaa
Man-of-the-Match
Mike McDonald had an excellent game at centre back against a very lively front pairing.