BN Dons 3-6 Hassocks Fatboys
The greatest Christmas miracle of all the Christmas miracles took place on Sunday 20th December 2020. Hassocks Fatboys guaranteed that they will be celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ at the top of the Sussex Sunday League Premier Division table…. with a -1 goal difference.
A 6-3 victory over BN Dons took the Fatboys above Castle Sports, a ludicrous position for us to be in given that three months ago we were bottom of the pile having conceded 14 times from the opening two games of the season.
Our advantage at the top could have been stretched even further, had this game taken place as a double header like originally planned. The Southwick Rec pitch however resembled a World War I battle field before kick off, which meant that the referee took the decision to turn it into one match of 90 minutes.
This proved to be a wise decision as the pitch was unplayable by the 75 minute mark. Still both sides completed the 90 with three very welcome points in the bag for the men in purple (it was far too muddy for green).
There was an unfamiliar look to the line up. Scott was meant to be absent and so Turner was roped in to play in goal. When Scott then turned up, the decision was taking to keep Turner in goal anyway so as not to break up the Mike and Spiesy centre back partnership who had shone the previous week in keeping a clean sheet against Preston Dynamos.
Turner took this very maturely by throwing down his boots and getting back in Jordan’s car, where he chain smoked 20 Lambert & Butler. This was not the only weird selection decision. Matt Jasper had to head home at 10.40am, which under double header conditions would have meant he got a half of football.
After the game was changed to a single match and kicked off at 10.30am, he ended up playing 10 minutes. All the way from Ringmer to Southwick for 10 minutes. Matt Perry found himself in a similar boat as he had to disappear at 11am, meaning that he played just the first half when he thought he would be getting one whole game in a double header.
Once Turner had been convinced to put down the cigarettes and come out and play, the game was able to get underway. There was only one linesman’s flag present so Gregggggg ended up running the line with a woolly hat belonging to one of the BN Dons substitutes. The substitute was probably regretting giving it away when the heavens opened minutes after kick off, dumping even more rain onto the already saturated pitch.
Castle then turned up to watch as part of a scouting mission ahead of our top-of-the-table clash next week. They will have realised very quickly that they do not have too much to worry about as the ball seemed to spend more time in the air in the first 20 minutes than it did on the ground.
God knows what Castle thought of this. Whenever we play them, they delight in shouting “THEY HAVE ONLY GOT THE LONG BALL”, which is very true. Here, we had two teams who only had the long ball playing long ball football. Pep Guardiola would call it hideous, Neil Warnock would call it glorious.
To be fair, the pitch made trying to pass difficult. It also made staying upright challenging, as Spiesy found out when he slipped over in dramatic style with arms and legs in the air, landing straight in a puddle. Not only did this leave him very muddy, but Spiesy also managed to hurt his neck in the process. Injury Lawyers 4 You should get in contact about the slip – where there is blame, there is a claim.
When Jasper had to leave after 10 minutes, Turner looked expectantly over to the touchline in the hope that he could come out of goal with Scott coming on. Instead, it was Jack who entered the fray and who was soon claiming to have made an immediate impact as we took the lead, despite the fact he played no part in the goal.
Rather, it was Wilkesy, Jordan and Andy who combined to send Andy through on goal. His initial effort was saved by the Dons ‘keeper but brother Stuart was following up to tap home the rebound for the first goal of what turned out to be a very profitable morning for Mrs Brown’s Boys.
The roles were reversed 10 minutes before the break when Stuart was surprisingly unselfish in sending Andy away, who finished with aplomb to make it 2-0. Turner’s first save came on the stroke of half time and his mood was not improved when it ended with him face down in a puddle in the middle of the goal.
That was the only chance of note that Dons could muster as Mike, Spiesy and Fox just ahead of them in the holding midfield role dealt expertly with the threat provided by Clay Lamont in a stark contrast to our George Milyard Cup meeting two weeks earlier. The big man came on at Clayton that day and wiped out the two-goal lead we had entered the final 10 minutes with, dragging the game to a penalty shoot out in which the Dons progressed.
The memories of a fortnight ago served as a reminder that this game was by no means done despite how comfortable we had looked. With Matty P now departing, Turner began to remove his goalkeeper’s kit at half time thinking that Scott would now be going in goal and he would be replacing Matt outpitch.
No such luck… Gregg instead entered proceedings at left back, leaving Turner to say he was going home. A hug from Stuart (and the fact he needed Jordan to give him a lift back to Haywards Heath) convinced Turner to reluctantly put his muddy kit back on and don the gloves again in the second half.
Turner did not get off to the best of restarts. Only four minutes had elapsed when he tried to chip a back pass from Dave over the closing centre forward. Needless to say, this went badly wrong as the ball hit the Dons player in the face, he collected it and slotted into an empty goal. Turner responded to this in wonderful style, by forming a big ball of mud and launching it at Scott who was now gleefully running the line.
Was this the start of another Dons comeback? No. Stuart and Andy again linked up as Andy made it 3-1 with his 99th goal in Fatboys colours and three minutes later it was 4-1 as Andy set up Stuart to slot home. Two goals apiece for the Browns.
Dons pulled another back in controversial fashion when a free kick was launched into the box and the referee ignored two strong claims to disallow it. Turner appeared to be fouled initially and when there was no whistle forthcoming for that, a Dons player who had been in an offside position when the ball was played goalwards applied the final finish.
Dons enjoyed a bit of pressure after that and made it 4-3 as the ding-dong nature of the tie continued. What did not help was us giving away a lot of needless free kicks in dangerous positions.
One of the few men surprisingly not committing a foul every 90 seconds was Jack. It soon transpired he was having trouble breathing after a whack in the ribs and would have to be replaced.
Turner’s eyes lit up once more at the prospect of a run in midfield for the final 25 minutes with Scott in goal… only for Willow to suddenly appear from the van he had been sheltering in for the past hour to take Jack’s place.
The enforced change helped turn the momentum back in favour of the men in purple and Willow was soon in the goals. Taking inspiration from Turner, the Dons goalkeeper tried to chip a back pass over Willow but only succeeded in giving the ball straight to the forward who produced a lovely cushioned volley to make it 5-3.
Willow’s goal proved to be the straw that broke the camels back for Dons and they effectively downed tools. Jordan had been an absolute battering ram up front and his excellent work gave Stuart the chance to complete his hat-trick with a little help from a big pile of mud which the ball hit on its way to goal, taking it away from the unfortunate Dons goalkeeper.
Andy thought he had made it seven after rounding the goalkeeping and firing into the empty net. Stuart had other ideas though and charged down the shot to apply the finishing touch with the ball basically on the line – the only problem being that he had been offside.
Rather brilliantly – and whether deliberate or accidental, we will probably never know – Stuart had just stopped Andy reaching his century will a completely unnecessary bit of attempted goal stealing. Mike’s reaction made the whole situation even better as he screamed from 70 yards away, “STUART THAT IS THE MOST ****ING STUPID THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.” Strong words from a man who once paid Bally £5 to lick the bottom of his own shoe.
There was only one way for Stuart to be punished for his actions and that was for him to be substituted. Turner had by now long given up hope of getting out of goal, which was just as well as Scott brought himself on up front where he did not put a foot wrong, largely because he did not touch the ball.
The full time whistle brought the curtain down on a very good 90 minutes and three even more important points. Top at Christmas with a minus goal difference. It’s the Fatboys way.
Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)
Dan Turner
Looked about as happy at playing in goal as a turkey who has just caught Bernard Matthews grinning at him. Made some good saves and we really did appreciate his efforts.
Matt Perry
Seems to be getting better with each passing week as Dons found it very difficult to get past him down the right.
Mike McDonald
Organised the defence wonderfully against a dangerous Dons attack. His meltdown at Stuart’s goal stealing attempt was a particular highlight.
Steve Spies
Provided many laughs when falling over like a clown slipping on a comedy banana skin. Enjoyed his battle with Big Clay, winning his fair share of headers.
Dave Linehan
Continued where he left off after last week’s heroics against Preston Dynamos with another solid showing at left back, suggesting that a solution has finally been found in a position which has proven problematic since Bert’s retirement from first team duty.
Oli Cleland
“Make sure you tell Luke how well I played in midfield,” he said afterwards. Luke, if you are reading this, then Fox was excellent in midfield.
Jamie Wilkes
Last time he wore the purple kit in the County Cup defeat to White Garden he ended up being compared to Mr Burns. Much better than an 104-year-old cartoon character here as he helped establish a foothold in midfield.
Andy Brown
Two goals and two assists made him a worthy Man-of-the-Match winner. Would have had a deserved hat-trick were it not for brother Stuart’s cynical attempt at goal stealing.
Matt Jasper
You have to admire the dedication of turning up to play the first 10 minutes before heading out for the rest of the day. Had a couple of good runs whilst he was on the pitch.
Jordan Walsh
Did not make it onto the score sheet but his skills in holding up the ball and bringing others in were vital on a surface which made passing all but impossible.
Stuart Brown
Back in form as he claimed his first hat-trick since the 11-0 win over Bison Beer in February 2019. Outrageously denied brother Andy his 100th Fatboys goal.
Subs
Jack Lewis
Quickly into the action as he replaced Jasper early on. A slight knock meant that he was not able to fling himself around in the mud as he normally would in such conditions but he still gave an effective performance.
Gregg Chappell
45 minutes in his new-found role in the team at right back. It was a seamless transition from Matty P to him. Enjoyed the novelty of running the line with a woolly hat rather than a flag.
Adam Williams
For the second week running, he turned up later, sat in a car whilst the game went on and then popped out in the second half to score a goal. The ultimate Sunday League luxury player.
Scott McCarthy
Ran 40 yards onto the pitch when introduced before he realised he had no Fatboys shirt on. Jumped for a header at one point.
Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 20th December 2020
Southwick Recreation Ground
Goals
Stuart Brown (26′)
Assist Andy Brown
Andy Brown (35′)
Assist Stuart Brown
Andy Brown (55′)
Assist Stuart Brown
Stuart Brown (58′)
Assist Andy Brown
Adam Williams (75′)
Assist Dons goalkeeper
Stuart Brown (78′)
Assist Jordan Walsh
Man-of-the-Match
Has to be between the Brown brothers with Andy Brown taken the nod as he did not turn into David Nugent against Andorra at any point
Previous Matches
06/12/20: Fatboys 5-5 BN Dons