“3-0 down in 10 minutes in a top-of-the-table clash. How very Hassocks Fatboys”

Wilkesy’s dad had not watched him play football for about 10 years before Hassocks Fatboys’ double header with Castle Sports. On paper at least, this probably looked like a good game for Mr Wilkes to see how Jamie’s football career was going.

As the top two clubs in the highest division of Sunday League in the county, anyone looking at the table would assume the standard of football on show is the best Sussex has to offer.

So, what was Mr Wilkes’ assessment of the two hours he watched? “That was the worst game of football I have ever seen in my life. What has happened to you?”

The what has happened to you seemed unnecessarily cruel (and the answer in almost all our cases is discovering beer) but otherwise it was a fair assessment. Game one ended in a 4-3 defeat and game two a 4-1 defeat, meaning that it will take an absolute miracle it anyone is to stop Castle winning the title this year.

When the season resumed just 11 days ago after lockdown, we were a point ahead of Castle at the top of the table. A packed schedule full of double headers means that they left Clayton with an 11 point advantage over us. Our minus one goal difference – being top with a minus goal difference is a serious achievement – now read minus six. With hindsight, we should have voted to null and void the season.

Numbers were thin on the ground which didn’t help matters, especially when it came in defence. The back four read Stuart (striker) at right back, Jordan (striker) and Mike (once a striker) at centre back, and Dave (midfielder) at left back. Not really what you need against a Castle front three who were the best we have faced for some time. In midfield, Max and Wilkesy sat just behind Andy with a front three of Matty J, Duck and Willow.

The first five minutes before Castle took the lead and the floodgates opened was largely spent marvelling at Karel running the line. The former Namibian Under 21 international had been given the job as punishment for driving all the way to Newhaven last Sunday, only to decide he was too hungover to play when just 80 metres from the ground and turning around to drive back to Crawley without telling anyone. We therefore had to play White Garden in a double header with only 11 players.

Karel protested that it was a bad idea to make him run the line as he didn’t know the rules, but we just put this down as him wanting to get out of doing it. Turned out that wasn’t the case; as the referee was about to signal for the start of the game, Karel was stood in the wrong half of the pitch. It didn’t get much better. At one point, he started waving his flag when we were passing the ball around in the middle of the park for absolutely no reason.

When Castle scored their first, Karel was stood on the halfway line. A through ball put our favourite opposition player Zac in on goal and he rounded Scott before pulling back from the byline to an unmarked teammate to roll into the empty net.

Karel found himself becoming the first linesman in history to get subbed from the line at that point. His replacement? Jack, a man who got called an ice cream by an opposition assistant manager last time he had the flag, nearly got into a fight and then refused to rule out a blatant offside goal against us because “my head had gone”. And Jack was considered a better option than Karel.

Castle might well have taken the lead even ealrier than they managed. Within two minutes, Scott had used his feet to deny Zac from close range and then turned a Zac header over the bar. It looked like a long morning was in store even before we went 1-0 down.

The second Castle goal arrived less than five minutes after the first. Initially, it looked like it might have been hacked off the line by Dave until he got his legs in a twist and fell over. Minutes later and Stuart conceded a cheap free kick out on the left. Over came the delivery with Zac on hand to head home. 3-0 down inside of 10 minutes in a top-of-the-table clash. How very Hassocks Fatboys.

That was at least our cue to do something other than let get goals in. Castle might have been superb coming forward, but they were no great shakes at the back. A scramble in their box from a corner led to Jordan cleverly laying off to Wilkesy, who had found a bit of space from which he bent a clinical shot into the bottom corner. Mr Wilkes must have been impressed by that at least.

Less impressive was what happened next. Buoyed by his goal, Wilkesy was now covering every bit of grass which led him 60 seconds later to appear as the last man in our box. A low cross came in and as Wilkesy went to clear, he only succeeded in shinning the ball straight into the face of Scott who was sprawling on the ground to reach it. It hit Scott on the nose and bounced in for an own goal.

If you didn’t laugh, you had to cry. Which funnily enough is exactly what Stuart did when half time arrived with us 4-1 down. As we trooped off to try and digest the half an hour which had just passed, Stuart was still seething about the free kick which led to Castle’s third, picked up the mallet used to peg down the goals and threw it with such force that it broke in two. Thor Son of Asgard then went and sat against the church wall, as if waiting for some divine inspiration.

There was none of that forthcoming. “I’ve scored for us, scored for them and thought I’d shit myself at one point. Just need a red card to round it off,” Wilkesy said. Andy had some rousing words. “There’s goals in this for us against their defence. I’m not saying we’re going to comeback and win as there are goals for them too, but this could finish 8-7.”

He was partly right, and not the part you might be expecting. We managed to score two unanswered goals in the second half and were it not for a very, very questionable offside flag from the Castle linesman, we might have even snuck a point. Which, if we’re being honest, would have been an utter disgrace.

Six minutes after the restart and Willow made it 4-2 when converting after a Jordan header had hit the bar. Then came the controversial disallowed goal which sparked an even more furious Stuart meltdown. Thankfully, somebody had very wisely hidden the rest of the tools used to put the goals up to save them from a similar fate to the mallet.

We managed to set up a nervy final 10 minutes when Karel – who had replaced Matty J at the break – went part of the way to making up for both last week’s no-show debacle and his efforts running the line, forcing home a Duck corner.

Incredibly, the linesman started waving again for what can only be assumed was a foul on the goalkeeper or something. The referee was having none of it this time, the goal stood and suddenly Castle were looking a little panicked.

Unfortunately, we were unable to force an equaliser despite a lot of huffing, puffing and knocking on the door. Given the effort which went into trying to find a way back against a superb Castle side, you had to wonder at full time how much more our threadbare, patched up squad would have to give in the second game.

If Mr Wilkes thought that was bad, then he was in for an even bigger shock…