“Most of you aren’t getting any younger and this might be your last chance to reach a final.”

A wise man once said “Never waste a big semi.” The Fatboys of Hassocks duly listened and our reward is a place in the Sussex Sunday Challenge Trophy Final for the second time in four seasons.

The day out at Culver Road was secured thanks to a thrilling 4-3 victory over Athletico Snus in deepest, darkest Crawley. Our route to the final has involved beating Emerald, Hare & Hounds and now Snus – three teams who should all finish above us in Division Two this season – so nobody can say that the chance to compete for a rare piece of silverware has not been well-earned.

Inspirational team talks have been a theme of this cup run. In the fourth round against Emerald, Scott rallied the troops by saying before the game: “We are playing a team we aren’t going to beat in a cup we’ve got no hope of winning.” Cue a 5-1 victory over opponents who had famously stuck 11 goals past us less than three months earlier.

Reece struck a different tone in the changing facilities of Oriel High School. “Most of you aren’t getting any younger and this might be your last chance to reach a final.”

Presumably, this was directed at those of us now in our 30s rather than sprightly Steve Spies, who won the first medal of his esteemed career when scoring for Southwick as they lifted the Sussex RUR Charity Cup in 1909 with a 3-0 win over Newhaven, and is still going strong 113 years later.

Reece was also keen to stress that we should try and play football and make use of all the available space on the basis that every 4G is fucking huge. Upon heading out to warm up, these instructions became very dated very quickly as we actually appeared to be playing on an Under 11s pitch.

After exchanging pleasantries with the opposition and joking about the game going to extra time and penalties as the booking was only for 90 minutes, it was time to get underway. Stuart lost the toss and so we had to defend the gale in the first half.

The pitch being child sized at least meant that the Snus player who once ran 100 metres in under 11 seconds would not have too much room to gallop clear of our defence, whose speed in contrast was akin to a tractor with a sticky handbrake.

Reece named himself at right back, something of a shock seeing as in his pre-management days between 2012 and 2015 he would declare his availability for selection with a text saying “Available but not for full back.”

Inspirational captain Mike was ruled out injured, meaning that Alex and Jordan started together at centre back. This was another bold call from Reece given the last semi final Jordan played as a central defender ended with him getting sent off for two fouls inside the opening 20 minutes. Happy Luke completed the back four.

Andy, Max and Stuart made up a midfield three with a front line of Bod down the middle, Ruari on the right and tall striker Jamie Wilkes on the left. Bod seemed surprised/disappointed to be starting as he had only turned up in the hope he would be named on the bench and could catch an hour of sleep in his car away from the twins.

Spiesy, Bally, Joe and Dave gave Reece a very strong bench in the event that things were not going to plan. And Davie was there too in body if not mind, having drunkenly called Andy a nonce and then left the WhatsApp chat in-between frightening women in a Haywards Heath bar at 1am in the morning.

After an even start, Snus took the lead with 10 minutes on the clock. A break down the right led by the Usain Bolt of Crawley ended with a bit of pinball in the box, the loose ball eventually being struck into the back of the net via a crisp finish.

Alex and Jordan had to make outstanding blocks and Scott a fine stop to prevent Snus doubling their advantage before an equaliser arrived with half an hour played. Tall striker Jamie Wilkes put his rangy frame to good use, heading back across goal for Ruari to fire home.

Unfortunately, parity was short lived. Another outrageous block from Jordan presented Snus a corner which they drilled low and hard to the front post. Nobody tracked the run of the home centre back and he was able to get a low shot away blocked at the last minute by Alex at the expense of another corner.

“We’ve had the dress rehearsal, don’t let it happen again,” shouted Luke. No prizes for guessing that exactly the same thing did happen again, the dress rehearsal building up to a Tony Award winning on-stage performance as Snus actually scored second time around to move 2-1 ahead going into half time. 

Turning around only one goal behind actually represented a decent 45 minutes of football. Having defended the wind, we knew how difficult it was and the instruction at half time was to pepper the Snus goal with shots as anything could happen with the gale.

Before we had even managed to have a shot in the second half, Snus moved into a 3-1 lead. Andy went walkies from his midfield berth with tall striker Jamie Wilkes screaming at him not to wander. The words of the rangy Wilkes fell on deaf ears though and the damage was done, Snus threading a ball through the gap for their striker to cover 30 metres in three seconds and beat Scott one-on-one.

Ruari pulled another back on the hour mark when reacting quickest to a rebound after Max hit a wind assisted effort from what was the halfway line on this pitch but under normal circumstances would have been 30 yards out which the Snus keeper could not hold.

A five minute break in the game followed when Scott took a clattering and his contact lens came out. With Jordan, Spiesy, Alex, the Snus striker and the referee all forming a wind break and the use of a mobile phone, it was eventually put back in.

The perseverance in getting said lens back in was justified when Scott had to turn a free kick around the post. Snus then had an even better chance when their striker rode three challenges and rounded Scott, leaving him with an open goal to slot the ball into.

Somehow, he put the ball the wrong side of the post. Alex could not hide his delight, skipping around the area and giggling like a schoolgirl at the miss. The question now was could we punish that miss and find a late leveller as the game ticked into the final 10 minutes?

Yes was the answer. The referee awarded a penalty after a foul on Stuart, a decision which was 100 percent correct if you ignore the fact it was outside the area and was never a foul. Perhaps the official wanted to see who would triumph in a battle between 500 kids waiting to get on the pitch for their midday booking and the extra time needed to decide who progressed to the final?

For that to happen, the sleep deprived Bod had to beat the Snus goalkeeper from 12 yards. Bod duly did and suddenly the prospect of an additional 30 minutes was very real, much to the worry of Snus and the increasing frustrating of the mass of children queuing at the gate.

Two chances came and went for us to win it in before extra time was required. Stuart hit the bar with a fantastic effort from distance and the Snus goalkeeper made a smart reaction save with his feet following a shot from tall striker Jamie Wilkes.

After blowing the full time whistle, the referee agreed to cut extra time to 10 minutes per half. This did little to placate the children and coaches, who were now massing on the side of the pitch with more intent than the Russian army on the borders of Ukraine.

We managed to come through the first additional 10 minutes defending the wind unscathed, thanks to an unbelievable block on the line from Dave who had earlier replaced Reece at right back. Dave was rewarded for this by having his coat inadvertently covered with McDonalds breakfast ketchup by Jones.

Penalties were looming large until we found a winner with two minutes of the 120 110 remaining. Scott turned a shot away and then reacted to hold the rebound in a fine double save.

A kick was then leathered down the pitch to earn a throw. Joe launched the ball into the box, Jordan got a flick on and suddenly we had the lead for the first time all morning with just 120 seconds remaining.

There was still time for further drama. Snus threw everyone forward and in a last desperate throw of their dice, their 5’4 striker produced a remarkable leap to get his foot high enough into the air as he attempted an overhead to kick the 6’2 Jordan in the face.

A person with a normal head might have been okay but Jordan has the famous Walsh chin, giving him an area the size of Madagascar to take a blow. Jordan was lucky enough to escape with only a filling being kicked out and some heavy bruising, nothing that six pints of medicinal Stella Artois couldn’t fix.

Spiesy had a chance with the final kick of the game to wrap things up when he found himself running through one-on-one. A moment of glory similar to his last minute winner for Horsham in the 1934 Sussex Senior Cup final against Lewes looked on the cards until Spiesy tried to scoop the goalkeeper, only to succeed in pea rolling the ball wide.

Not that it mattered. The final whistle blew seconds later, the celebrations following a successful big semi could begin and a disgruntled flock of children could finally start their Sunday morning football session just the 20 minutes late. Sorry about that.