“A dream to play in the prestigious Sussex Sunday League Intermediate Division”

It was the first Sunday in September and you know what that means? The Sussex Sunday League returns for another new season!

The first day of the season brought another first for Hassocks Fatboys as they played a home game at Hurstpierpoint College due to Clayton not yet being ready because of the cricket season.

Already the College was not proving too popular with the players. Not only were there no showers, but it was also discovered there were no… (sorry Nick, I have to delete this bit) … pair of Lindfield socks like the last time there was this sort of debacle.

The recently merged Tally Physics were the visitors. The two teams were no strangers, having met only a few weeks ago in a 5-5 pre season friendly thriller at Downlands.

Any spectators worrying that there would not be a repeat of that goal fest need not have worried. On this occasion, there were even more goals.

Manager Reece Wickwar named a strong 15 man squad. Scott McCarthy lined up in goal with a back four of Rob Lloyd, Alex Williams, Jordan Walsh and Jon Ballantyne.

The midfield three consisted of debut making Luke Akehurst, Andy Brown and skipper Stuart Brown, with a front three of Joe Tolhurst, Ruari Farrell and Wickwar himself. Callum Cannon, Des Balderdash, Nick Parry and Dave Linehan made up the bench. 

Fatboys started off much the better of the two sides. The midfield in particular were proving too strong for Tally to cope with and Akehurst was linking up well with Wickwar on the left.

This led to Akehurst being played in, the Tally full back having to take drastic action to thwart the attack and the referee being left with no choice but to point to the spot.

Despite the Tally full back’s solo appeal before and after the spot kick, the referee was in no mood to change his mind. Farrell step forwarded and made no mistake from 12 yards.  

Fatboys continued to pile the pressure on. Tolhurst has had a very impressive pre season and was looking in the mood to continue that. After linking up well with A Brown, Tolhurst unleashed a beauty from 25 yards to double the lead that gave the keeper no chance.

Wickwar had said he wanted his team to show no mercy and they listened by continuing to dominate. A Brown danced his way through and played a great ball to Wickwar. His intelligent header across goal was gobbled up by skipper S Brown. 

Perhaps the biggest surprise all morning was how much of a good way Bally was in. The Sunday after the Old Firm Derby usually leads to quite a comical performance topped off with lots of sick, but sadly on this occasion we didn’t see either.

In fact, Bally was having a very good showing at right back. He sent a peach of a pass to Farrell but the striker could only find the side netting.

Farrell was eager to make up for that and add to his goal collection. After finding space from 20 yards he unleashed a fierce strike which was smartly saved by the Tally keeper. 

A downside of the morning was the Fatboys picked up a couple of first half injuries. Akehurst was still feeling the effects of the foul in the penalty area was forced to make way for Linehan.

Wickwar was suffering from a knock sustained playing for Lindfield the day before. He subbed himself off for Cannon, who was straight into the thick of things, linking up well with S Brown as the skipper forced the Tally keeper into another smart save.

S Brown then played a lovely pass to set Farrell free and the popular striker smashed home on the half volley to put the Fatboys 4-0 up and in control.

It wouldn’t be a Fatboys performance without us “doing something needlessly thick” in the words of manager Wickwar. A Brown managed to usher the Tally striker away from goal and towards the edge of the box when the Fatboys regular decided to clip his opponent.

A penalty was the only outcome. The Tally striker made no mistake and that proved to be the last kick off the half as the teams aheaded off with the Fatboys 4-1 ahead.

There was one change at half time with Parry making his debut in place of Ballantyne, who returned to his natural habitat running the line. Wickwar’s inspiring half time words paid off and it did not take long for the Fatboys to score a fifth.

A Brown burst forward and played a lovely pass to Farrell which enabled the striker to complete his hat-trick. Spectators watching said how refreshing it was to see Fatboys playing to their striker’s strengths.

Fatboys continued to attack in numbers. Cannon was using his pace to great effect and his run to the by-line and cut back was smashed home by skipper S Brown. Wickwar made a further change, introducing Balderdash in attacking midfield with the Brown brothers holding.

That was the plan, anyway. But with the Fatboys coasting and everyone wanting to get in on the goal scoring action, gaps started to appear at the back.

Tally showed no signs of giving up and after a quick break away, the striker made a smart finish from an acute angle with a shot which deflected off Williams.

The goal spurred Tally on and after some nice passing, the right winger whipped in a lovely cross. Williams was again on hand to help the ball into his own net as he stretched to score at the near post.

This brought back memories of when the Fatboys scored own goals in the first games of the 2013-14, 2014-15, 2015-16, 2016-17 and 2019-20 seasons. It also got the coveted Own Goal of the Season competition up and running early.

With Wickwar now vocal from the touchline reminding the players there was still some time to go, captain S Brown rallied the troops by arguing with his brother. After the row, S Brown went on a charging run and played an inch perfect pass to find Balderdash.

Balderdash had said before the game it was a dream to play in the prestigious Sussex Sunday League Intermediate Division at this late stage of his career. He looked even more pleased when a lovely touch and smashed finish from 14 yards gave him a goal.

Credit must be handed to the Tally defence as despite conceding seven goals by this point, they were still putting bodies on the line to stop Farrell and A Brown from scoring more.

Tolhurst left the pitch to a standing ovation after a fine display with Walsh coming back on up front. An early wedding present for him from Wickwar. Walsh marked his final appearance as a free man by smashing home from close range when S Brown played a nice ball to Farrell who sprung the offside and selflessly crossed.

Tally kept coming forward and scored another on the counter when the striker headed home. We then got our first full-on S Brown breakdown of the season as he jumped around yelling “FUCK ME HE’S GOT A FREE HEADER.”

S Brown’s mood was not improved when Tally scored their fifth. Some nice football stretched the Fatboys defence and the Tally centre midfielder made no mistake in tucking the ball past McCarthy.

With the final whistle approaching, the Fatboys were still keen to add to their lead. S Brown and Farrell were in the thick of it and the latter thought he added a ninth but the Tally keeper made a very good save.  

Farrell was then withdrawn for Tolhurst. It did not take Tolhurst long to pick up where he had left off, leaving the full back for dead before playing a fine cross in which was volleyed home by S Brown for his hat-trick.

Just in case anyone was in doubt, S Brown did scream over to the side lines in a high pitched voice that he had indeed scored a hat-trick. The fully time whistle went shortly after, giving the Fatboys the perfect start with a 9-5 victory.