“SEVENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN”

It was 10.20am in Glorious Goring-by-Sea when the little voice of a man coming off the back of midweek trip to Amsterdam piped up from the corner of the away changing room at Fernhurst Recreation Ground.

“Not sure I will be able to do much today, my legs are struggling.” Hmmmmmmm. Can anyone guess what happened next? Take 10 points if you answered that two hours later, Ruari Farrell was walking off the pitch having become the first player in Hassocks Fatboys history to score SEVEN goals in a single game.

So many questions. How did Ruari go from struggling to walk to record-breaker in such quick time? Do the Fatboys have the budget to pay for him to spend every week in Amsterdam, if this is the result on a Sunday?

Has anyone checked in on Stuart to make sure he is okay after someone beat him to the first Fatboys double hat-trick he has coveted for nine years now and come close to twice? And how exactly did the Fatboys beat a Valley team 10-5 (this was a game of football, not rugby or cricket by the way) whose squad reads like a who’s who of County League players from the Adur district?

As sad as this might be, Saturday night in the Fatboys WhatsApp was spent dissecting the Valley squad. “He played for Arundel… he played for Worthing United… those three won the County League, the Peter Bentley Cup, the RUR Cup and played at Wembley in the FA Vase final for Littlehampton last season.”

The mind boggles at what opposition teams thinking look at our squad list in comparison. “He used to co-present a WWE podcast… he was an extra in a YouTube movie playing a Scottish footballer… he is the twat who runs @WeAreBrighton… he is that guy from Worthing who looks like Oscar Wilde… and didn’t that bloke own Bar Mooch once upon time?”

Reece made it very clear very quickly that we were not to dwell on who the opposition were or their footballing achievements. Reece did not care that at the same time some of them were on the pitch at Wembley in May, Davie was being sick in a bucket feeling the effects of our End of Season Awards the night before.

This proved to be sound advice as within 21 minutes, we were 5-0 up. Or to be more precise, Ruari was 5-0 up. Literally every time we went forward, Ruari would score. It was so unbelievable that when Des turned up to watch midway through the first half and was asked to guess the score, he said: “At best 0-0, at worst we are 3-0 down.” His reaction at the Fatboys being 5-0 ahead? “FUCK OFF!”

The problem with trying to write a match report in a game where you score 10 goals is that it is bloody hard to remember what happened. Apologies in advance in case anyone gets upset about their assist being missed (Stuart) or they get upset that their role in the build-up to a goal gets missed (Stuart) or they get upset that a nice pass is not mentioned (Stuart).

On we go then. Goal one arrived on four minutes. A Valley defender slipped, Ruari was in on goal and he duly finished in clinical fashion. I think Stuart played the forward pass, so chalk that one up for an assist.

Goal two arrived on six minutes. Young Max was the architect, playing through a peach of a ball to release Ruari. He cut inside and curled into the far corner. Goal three arrived on 16 minutes. Davie clipped a lovely ball up the right flank to Andy. He squared to Ruari who applied the finishing touch.

Goal four arrived on 18 minutes. Bert found himself in nosebleed territory having pushed forward from left back. The Valley keeper did well to save Bert’s shot, only to be left despairing when Ruari reacted quickest to smash in the rebound.

Goal five arrived on 21 minutes. Max hit a through ball which the Valley keeper attempted to kick away. He only succeeded in smashing the clearance into Ruari, who gleefully picked up the pieces. At this point, Ruari was going at a goal every four minutes. You cannot even cook a McCain Microwave Jacket Potato that quickly.

This is not to say it was all one-way traffic in those opening 20 minutes. Batch made a superb save onto the bar at full stretch from a Mitchell Hand free-kick. Littlehampton manager Hand incidentally was the only one of the Marigolds’ FA Vase finalists to feature for Valley.

Davie did well to block a header on the line from a corner and both Alex and Barnesy made a couple of crucial interventions as Valley tried to play their way through. Without the efforts of both centre backs over the course of the 90 minutes, it could quite feasibly have finished 10-10.

If Barnesy keeps on playing like this, opponents will look at our squad list on a Saturday night and remember him as: “That bloke who played 103 games for Hassocks and once got sent off for two bookings in the space of 10 seconds away at Shoreham.”

Hand pulled one back for Valley before half time, making the score 5-1 going into the break for anyone struggling to keep up. Reece erred on the side of caution during his team talk, paraphrasing the great Martyn Buxton and his famous “No lead is a safe lead in Sunday League” speech by telling his side to keep going.

There were more goals in this. Maybe there should even have been more in the first half? As stupid as it sounds, Ruari had missed a couple of chances and Bod had come close with a towering header brilliantly saved by the goalkeeper.

With the Kemp Town Iniesta and Max pulling the strings in the middle and Andy and Stuart thriving out wide, the aim was to score more in the second half. To that end, Dave replaced Davie at half time to offer a greater forward threat at right back.

Those instructions to attack were still ringing in the ears of Ruari when he entered the history books with his sixth goal of the morning nine minutes after the restart. There is at least one bloke in the world who looks like Vladimir Putin making inroads into territory that isn’t theirs at the moment, Bert again charging up the left flank to join the forwards after being released by Kemp Town Iniesta.

Bod went to meet Bert’s cross, causing carnage in the process. Valley were unable to effectively clear the ball and Ruari hit the sweetest volley you will ever see into the top corner. The first double Fatboys double hat-trick scorer ever.

Valley pulled another back within two minutes. Alex made a spectacular clearance off the line which his teammates rewarded by deciding not to mark anyone from the resulting corner, leaving a free header which made it, er, 6-2.

Ruari scored the seventh on 63, waltzing through a couple of half-hearted challenges to finish after a lovely and surprisingly unselfish pass from Stuart. With the lead restored to five clear goals, Reece looked to his bench. He saw Potter and Scott and decided to introduce Kerwin for his Fatboys debut.

It did not take long for Kerwin to make an impression. Stuart escaped down the left and drilled a low ball across the box. It looked to be beyond any green shirt until Kerwin arrived on the slide to convert at the back post, opening his account having been on the pitch for less than five minutes. Three assists for Stuart, am I right?

Reece seemingly deemed a six goal lead with 20 minutes remaining as enough of a buffer to introduce Potter. Chairman Mark was his usual positive self, entering the field for the outstanding Max whilst saying: “I cannot believe I am being asked to mark a bloke I watched playing at Wembley on television a few months ago.”

In a completely unrelated turn of events, 40 seconds later Hand found himself with enough time and space in the middle of the park to make it 8-3. Ruari followed that with his final contribution of the afternoon, drifting into a wide position (despite those struggling legs) and crossing for Reece to finish. That was 9-3.

Ruari exited stage left to a rousing reception in a like-for-like substitution for Scott. “Thank fuck he is off” said one of the Valley defenders. The entire back line decided that with their chief tormentor removed from the action, they would now go and join the attack. This bold strategy led to two quick-fire Valley goals. One came from distance, the other from a free header.

Stuart was not impressed as the score became 8-5. His mood deepened when Scott could have played him in one-on-one but opted to go for an ambitious shot from 30 yards which went out for a throw. Davie then did likewise, ignoring an easy pass to Stuart in favour of a distance strike that initially looked closed but ultimately ended up with a lost ball in a wheat field.

It was becoming increasingly clear that to leave Goring without Stuart scoring would be unwise. Thankfully, An Sigobair got the goal his performance deserved with some quick footwork and a clinical finish after collecting a pass into the box from Scott.

That brought up double figures for the Fatboys, an outcome you would have got huge odds on two hours earlier. How are the legs now, Ruari? And have Littlehampton put in a seven-day approach yet?