“A competition of ‘who can defend worse’ won by the Fatboys”

It’s back, baby.

How does a side celebrate the finalisation of completing a 12 year journey to being crowned the champions of the Sussex Sunday football league? Naturally by resurrecting their second string side to ensure the next wave of budding local Mid Sussex talent comes through the ranks to challenge again in 12 years.

When we say budding, young talent, we imagine the likes of a fresh-faced Steve Spies lacing up his boots for the 43rd consecutive season of his adult career, after a summer working the matinees of Paul Whitehouse and Jim Sullivan’s hit stage interpretation of ‘Only Fools and Horses’, portraying a doppelgänger of Uncle Albert.

Aside from Spies there were no less than seven bodies making their Fatboys debut with only one having been alive when Spies first played senior football.

Picture the scene – football is back. But where will it be? When will it be? Walmer Road? 12pm? Is it home? Is it away? Nervous energy sang in the atmosphere as rumours of the notorious Argus Man being spotted in the hillside vegetation upon our arrival struck a chord with the playing contingent.

Perhaps he had opted to check out the second string having only recently and, so cruelly given Stuart Brown the second lowest report of his career – the lowest still remaining his GCSE drama grade.

Unfortunately for manager Reece it was at Waterhall, meaning that Scott McCarthy would have to drop off the key for Clayton Rec at 7am on Sunday morning to allow for the nets to be collected.

This also meant McCarthy driving from Shoreham to do so. It also also meant that Bally would be forgotten as Wickwar drove effing and jeffing to collect said nets, forgetting to collect Bally in the process. A sign of the morning ahead perhaps.

Nets in car boot, the team began to congregate on the once hallowed turf of Waterhall playing fields. The once-pristine and industry leading changing facilities cutting a sadder figure than even the most gelatinous of Fatboys figures getting changed on the side of pitch #2. Showers may be earned but they will not be granted at Waterhall this season.

Once changed, nets were erected. So good was the erection that it would have to be roused up again 2 times more before the game could begin.

Fatboys had a strong contingent to pick from – Nick Jones having earned himself a spot in the sticks after a summer away from the oven pizzas which had been traded for the 2.5kg dumbbells at a gym near you.

Ahead of Jones was a back four (later adjudged to have been a back 2.5 based on the first half, but more on that later) of Josh Evetts, Jon Ballantyne, Tom Pinnock and Dave Linehan. Height and stature in droves akin to the Kakamora who so cruelly tried to sabotage the mission of Moana in 2016.

The midfield comprised of the mercurial Alex Blake, Wickwar himself and captain Redbeard Adam Rowden. In front of them was a tantalising trio of Joe Allen, Steve Spies and the in form Toby Wiles. Warming the plush grass on the sidelines was a talent-laden bench of Enticknapp, Moreton, Southwell and returning fan favourite Ryan John.

*disclaimer – there were a lot of goals and some of them were really really bad so they may not all get a mention

Fatboys lost the toss and Seaford got the game underway, immediately showcasing their game plan of exploiting the space behind the Goliath green back line.

Early blows were mostly thrown from the side in yellow but it would be Fatboys who stole the lead. Spies capitalising on some defensive disarray to scuff home from two yards and set a record as being the second oldest scorer in Sussex Sunday football history.

It wouldn’t take long for the Reserves to put their foot in it. If they had put their foot in it they may actually have fared better as Evetts failed to deal with an aerial ball and subsequently decided to use both his hands to massage the shoulders of the forward.

This relaxed the forward so much that he fell to the ground and left the official no choice but to award a penalty which was duly tucked away to level the tie 1-1.

The game quickly plummeted into a competition of ‘who can defend worse’ and Spies again latched on to a lovely ball over the top and lobbed the onrushing goalkeeper to put the Fatboys back in front.

Christmas spirit was in the September air as a string of gifts were exchanged across the remainder of the half. Jones was notably back in full force, calling for a ball before starting his run only to be rounded by the forward who finished into an empty net to make it 2-2.

More fuckups ensued with the long ball seemingly impossible to defend, allowing the Seaford attacking line to steal a lead before Spies caressed the ball home with his polished forehead from a Rowden corner to make it 3-3. Wiles shortly after got in on the action with a deft finish on his competitive debut following one of his 28 runs down the wing.

The game, frankly, at this point was a disgrace and it showed no sign of stopping. Tricky, stringy winger Joe Allen seized his opportunity to get in on the action with a delicious finish to get the fifth for the home side and things looked like they may settle, only for another carbon copy of the same goal as the previous two to be conceded once again to make it 5-4.

With half time approaching, why stop there? Spies in typically rampant spirit topped off his half with a fourth as he rushed one-on-one with the keeper before sneakily fooling everyone by kicking it directly at the opposing stopper who allowed his legs to part like an OnlyFans model giving away freebies. 6-4, half time, and breathe.

It will come as no surprise that changes were made at the break with the message being fundamentally that everyone needed to calm down and try to do things which were less shit.

There are seldom times in football when a side has scored six goals in the first half and still feels like they may be in for a struggle. As aforementioned, the changes made at half time saw Evetts depart for local doner meat enthusiast and takeaway connoisseur Ryan John.

Taylor Greenock Moreton came on for his maiden Fatboys appearance in place of the veteran Ballantyne, whose mind to this point was clearly on the Old Firm Derby (WHOOPS). In doing so, Taylor became the first player to be named after a Scottish League side to play for Hassocks Fatboys,

With his hair tucked neatly behind his ears, Moreton got stuck in and changed the dynamic of the game instantly – adding much needed fervour and energy into the middle of the park.

Fatboys immediately seemed to have upped their game – Ryan John also having a clear positive impact with his natural composure and level-headed nature rippling across the side. The ship was in safe, gentle hands.

The half started somewhat frantically and again there were chances at each end but Fatboys seemed the more likely of the two to score. Shortly after the break it seemed as though the legs of Allen had begun to tire and Wickwar had the chance to bring the ‘Je ne sais quit ’ of Enticknapp to the onfield action.

This decision proved to be a wise one as Enticknapp’s first touch was to tease a tantalising outside of the boot through ball to Wiles who failed to convert – a goal would have done said ball justice.

The next goal would come soon courtesy of the red wine false nine Enty, who stroked home from close range to make it a seventh for Fatboys. The game seemingly was wrapped up at this point but there was still time for Fatboys to let a slither of doubt creep in.

This goal, however, did seem somewhat harsh on the home side. Wickwar seemed destined to clear a loose ball in the box with ease before the Seaford forward swept both his legs away before doing the same with the ball to make it 7-5. No foul there and the referee seemingly reluctant to allow the crestfallen Wickwar to do his laces afterwards.

With this blip out of the way, good work continued to be done by the neon warriors. Enty danced around the the centre circle, Blakey sneaked in a double nutmeg and blazed just over and Wickwar drove a shot from the edge of the box a reasonable nine yards wide.

Spies couldn’t add to his four goals despite his best efforts and on another day you’d have expected Fatboys to be out of sight. A final change was made as Wickwar hauled himself for Joe Allen, who’d had 10 minutes to recover and once again the change had an impact.

After some great work since his entry, Southwell latched onto a cross at the far post from the aforementioned geography buff Allen and bundled home to make it eight. No less than he had deserved since coming into the fray.

He was rewarded again shortly after, being tackled by a displeased fullback who thanked him for his efforts by attempting to push his face into the hardened crust of the Waterhall surface.

From this point, the game fizzled out and the Fatboys second string had done it. Three points on the Division Four board. Four goals for Grandad Spies and at least half of the side smiling and ready to head back for celebratory tequilas in honour of Andrew Brown’s birthday alongside the hope of watching Ryan John consume a chicken goujon meal using only his mouth.

Man of the match had to go to Spies for some of his efforts in front of goal and he was rewarded with a hand signed picture of Gary from EastEnders. Up next, the first of 18 trips to Goring this season.