Hassocks Fatboys 4-4 Burgess Hill Albion

Pre-season friendly
Sunday 18th August 2019
Downlands
 

For the first time ever, Hassocks Fatboys have managed to go through a pre-season campaign undefeated. This final friendly 4-4 draw against Burgess Hill Albion went with a 2-2 draw against Physics Athletico, a 6-3 win over Burgess Hill Rhinos, a 9-5 victory over Lindfield Reserves and a 3-0 success against Horsted Keynes.

As the achievement was celebrated afterwards, somebody quite rightly said, “We’ll probably lose every game in the league now.” Given that we’ve been moved up to the Premier Division, that isn’t actually that unrealistic a proposition. So we may as well celebrate not suffering defeat in five friendlies.

This was probably the toughest test of those five. At one point in the second half we trailed 4-1, so to come away with a draw was a good result in itself, especially given the contrast in the two squads. Albion had brought about 25 men to Downlands and at one point in the second half were switching five players at a time like an ice hockey line change. The Fatboys meanwhile were missing a whole host of players and only had two substitutes, including “an 80-year-old who doesn’t have any working knees.”

That 80-year-old was Mid Sussex footballing legend Steve Spies. He isn’t actually 80 and he does have two working knees, although his Achilles is a bit dodgy these days. We’ve been waiting over five years to see Spiesy pull on a Fatboys shirt and not only did he get through the second half unscathed, but he also put pen to paper for the season afterwards. The prospect of seeing father-in-law Steve play with son-in-law Jamie Wilkes-Spies in the Sussex Sunday League this season is now very real.

Among the missing players were Dan Turner, Michael Russell, Jack Lewis, Dave Keane, Joe Brockes and Ronnie Devonish. Ronnie had last been seen talking to Turner in a dark corner of a Haywards Heath bar last night, after which nobody had heard hide nor hair from him. He hadn’t been on WhatsApp since 2am. Luckily, Ryan John was on hand to reassure us all by saying that Ronnie had probably been stabbed on his way home.

As a result of the swathes of absentees, there were some strange team selection decisions going on. Jon Ballantyne had to play as a centre half, Andy Brown was only fit enough to sit on the bench and perhaps most scarily of all, Ryan was wearing the captain’s armband. He was also entrusted to play in an attacking midfield role.

A combination of it absolutely pissing it down and the fact that three quarters of the team had been in Orange Square the night before meant that the men in purple – we now have to wear our away kit against teams in yellow because Bally’s colourblindness is getting so bad – failed to complete a warm up. That was in stark contrast to the massed ranks of Albion players who were going through drills and looked pretty well prepared.

That translated into a fast start for Albion. Scott McCarthy had to make a difficult save low down to his left and then kept out a one-on-one with his legs. Needless to say, it wasn’t long until Albion took the lead with a free header at the back post.

We weren’t playing well and Bally decided to try and countenance that by employing the novel strategy of attempting to lose every single ball. One went over the fence, and then another, and then another. All in the space of five minutes. As quickly as Spiesy could pump up the flat balls left in the bag, Bally would send another into orbit.

Unfortunately for Bally’s cunning plan, one of Albion’s 14 substitutes went on a retrieval mission and once all 17 of the lost balls were back, things continued as normal. This eventually led to Oli Cleland scoring a goal that defied all the known laws of physics as, from a seated position on the edge of the box, he managed to get enough power and direction on the ball to send it into the top corner.

It was an extraordinary piece of skill and a far cry from the last time we saw Fox on a football pitch. He was in Fatboys colours on that occasion and got sent off after 20 minutes for fighting an extremely fat Hangover 96 player, having just driven 70 miles back from Essex at 7am in the morning to play.

Going 2-0 behind belatedly sparked the Fatboys into life. Rob Lloyd began to get to grips with Logan Newington on the left and the midfield of Charlie Tyzack and Dave Linehan came into play more. We soon pulled one back as Rhyan Thwaites embarked on a barnstorming run forward from right back. He exchanged passes with captain Ryan and before you knew it, Jordan Walsh had a sight of goal which he clinically took.

“That’s how easy it is” came the shout and it’s true, that was easy. What was even easier though was the way in which Albion went 3-1 ahead with around 10 minutes of the half remaining. Five or six men in purple were all drawn to the ball like moths to a flame and that created an obscene amount of space for a routine finish.

Things got a little heated after that among the Fatboys players. A couple of chances came and went but at this point in proceedings, we seemed to be more intent on arguing than playing football. It didn’t appear as if it were going to be any easier in the second half either. While Albion could replace their team with an entire new 11 who would be fresh and ready to go, our only subs were Grandfather Spies and a half fit Andy.

Yet on they came with their first task being to watch the Fatboys go 4-1 behind. A long ball over the top wasn’t convincingly dealt with and that left a simple finish for the Albion forward who placed his effort just out of the reach of McCarthy.

And then the comeback started. McCarthy made just one more save low down to his left and Spies used the interesting technique of saving a corner by smashing the ball aerially across his own goal and out for a throw on the other side of the pitch.

It was Wilkes-Spies who got the ball rolling at the other end of the pitch, finishing off a nice team move with a powerful effort. Jordan then notched a one-on-one once he’d swallowed a load of sick back down after being played in by Stuart Brown. We were pretty much camped in the Albion half after that but a succession of chances came and went – Ryan missing about six open goals by himself – which led everyone to think it wasn’t going to be the Fatboys day.

That was until Ryan finally made a chance count late in the day to make it 4-4 and preserve that proud unbeaten record. Normal service will almost certainly be resumed when the Premier Division season kicks off in two weeks time away at Physics Athletico, especially given the glee and happiness in the faces of those present in the Club afterwards when they were told we had a trip to Seaford to look forward to on the opening day.
 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
A couple of good saves in either half but you could tell he’d been on the Amstel the day before as his kicking was absolutely all over the place.
Rhyan Thwaites
Defended well and was his usual positive self going forward which eventually carried him into getting an assist for Jordan’s first goal.
Jason Gander
A solid 90 minutes at the back. Won plenty in the air, made several blocks and most importantly of all, he didn’t bend down and pick up any loose balls in the box this week.
Jon Ballantyne
Kicked more balls over the fence in the space of five minutes than many players do in an entire season. Other than that extraordinary passage of play, he did well.
Rob Lloyd
“Why the **** have I got to mark Logan?” was the normally mild-mannered Brexit negotiator’s response to finding out that he’d be playing against his ex-teammate. He rose to the occasion magnificently however.
Charlie Tyzack
On arrival, he was in a right mess. After a few funny moments, he settled down though and gave a strong performance just in front of the back four.
Dave Linehan
Seems to have replaced his liking for 200 unnecessary stepovers with spraying 60 yard passes around. It’s doing some serious damage to the opposition and he was probably the Fatboys best player.
Ryan John
Ryan was one extremely happy man to be given the attacking midfield role and he eventually justified the decision by scoring a goal at what felt like the 97th attempt.
Stuart Brown
Nobody seems to know what is going on with Stuart as he seems to have developed this liking for actually tracking back and helping his full back. Must be the tin of tuna he’s take to eating before and after every game.
Jordan Walsh
Another individual who looked extremely ill at 10am. He pulled himself together in typical Jordan fashion though, scoring twice against one of his many, many former clubs.
Jamie Wilkes-Spies
Playing on the same pitch as his father-in-law for the first time seemed to galvanise young Wilkes-Spies. The result was an excellent goal which proved to be the catalyst for the comeback.
 

Subs

Andy Brown
Given how shit we were in the first half, it was a surprise that he waited until half time to bring himself on. Added purpose and control to the midfield.
Steve Spies
After many years of will-he, won’t-he, we finally saw him in a Fatboys shirt. The second half was won 3-1 with him on the pitch, which says it all.
 

Goals

33′ Walsh, assist Thwaites
62′ Wilkes, assist Linehan
79′ Walsh, assist S Brown
87′ John, assist A Brown