Hassocks Fatboys 3-0 Horsted Keynes

Jordan Walsh Trophy
Sunday 11th August 2019
Downlands
 

With a smile on his face and a song in his heart, Jordan Walsh skipped out of Downlands on Sunday looking like a contented man. Three teams close to his heart had come together to play for the Jordan Walsh Trophy, a triangular tournament hastily arranged to honour the talismanic striker of both Hassocks Fatboys and Horsted Keynes.

Both of his sides were present, as were Long Man who were presumably invited due to the fact that Jordan has a very long body. The football was pulsating and the entertainment never ending. In some ways, the Fatboys inability to raise a first team and a reserve team for the originally planned separate friendlies against HK and LM turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Instead, we had three 50 minute matches. The first saw the Fatboys Reserves lose 5-2 to Long Man. The second saw Horsted take on Long Man in a game that was nicely poised at 2-1 (although we don’t actually know which side was winning) the last time somebody bothered to check. The third was billed as the Jordan Derby, Fatboys v Horsted. It’s here that we pick up the story as two familiar foes locked horns.

Jordan had already decided he was going to pull on Fatboys green for this one but we were without the services of Dan Turner and new signing Charlie Tyzack, both of whom plumbed for Horsted white.

In Turner’s absence, there was a first team debut for new signing Aidan Smyth at the heart of the Fatboys defence. Smyth has become the first man from north of Crawley to play for the Fatboys since Geordie Stu’s ill-fated spell with the club in the 2012-13 season. Aidan has inherited the original nickname of Oldham Aidan (he’s from Oldham) and on this showing, Lancashire’s loss will be the Fatboys gain as he was excellent alongside Peterborough United fan Gander in what was a League One and Two supporting back line.

It was in fact a weird defence in terms of teams supported. Rob Lloyd at right back doesn’t follow a team as he’s too preoccupied with delivering Brexit. Nick Davie on the left recently bought a flat cap and now follows Burgess Hill Town (“Margate away was the best day of my life”) like a creepier version of Elijah Wood in Green Street. And substitute Jon Ballantyne is a Rangers fan, which requires no comment.

Perhaps this explains why the defence were at sixes and sevens in the first 10 minutes, leaving Scott McCarthy to have to make three quality stops. The first came via an outstretched boot, the second was following a botched Fatboys corner with Horsted countering to force a fine save at full stretch around the post and the third was from a point blank one-on-one.

McCarthy even managed to claim a cross, an occurrence that only happens when he’s still drunk from the night before. That wasn’t the only indication of a heavy night; McCarthy had turned up 20 minutes late after achieving the impressive feat of falling asleep on a train between Preston Park and Hassocks and waking up at Gatwick Airport.

The Fatboys were dealt a blow when Ryan Collins hobbled off after Turner had kicked him and Gander then gave away an excellent free kick 30 yards from goal. Before kick off, we’d said not to concede any set pieces within 140 yards due to the fact Turner would almost certainly score.

On conceding the foul, Gander turned to McCarthy and said, “Sorry about this” with all the sincerity of Bill Clinton denying he had sexual relations with that woman. Luckily, Turner had left his shooting boots at home and sent the free kick into orbit. It was last picked up on satellite still gaining height over the Heathfield area.

Roo was replaced by reserve team head honcho Reece Wickwar, who displayed a lot of confidence in his abilities by responding to the news that he was going into the holding midfield role with a “Fuck me, that’s brave.”

Opportunities were few and far between for the Fatboys in the first half. The only real chance of note fell to Jordan who could’ve squared to Stuart Brown free at the back post for a tap in but instead decided to rattle the woodwork.

It was a much improved performance in the second half from the Fatboys. Andy Brown, Dave Linehan and Wickwar began using the ball far more effectively and the result was three unanswered goals flying in.

Linehan notched the first with an absolute rocket into the top corner. The second was a fine counter attacking move. One minute, McCarthy was saving a Turner header from a corner and the next Bally was breaking up field to put Stuart in who made no mistake with the finish. Particularly impressive about this was the fact that Bally played the ball through with a sliding tackle.

The third came from Michael Russell who rolled back the years to the days when he was a roving winger. Andy did well down the right before cutting back to Mike who swept a right footed shot across his body and into the far corner.

There could have been more for the Fatboys. Bally hit a post, Stuart was wasteful on a couple of occasions and Andy fired just over. Jordan was a real menace throughout and again smashed the woodwork.

There was also one utterly ridiculous passage of defending from the Fatboys which led to a Horsted penalty from which they hit the bar. A long ball over the top left Gander and McCarthy in a muddle with the call of “head home” being followed by Gander heading straight past his own goalkeeper. Lloyd somehow blocked the resulting shot on the line, leaving the ball stationary in the box and just waiting for the covering Gander to clear.

Jason had other ideas though and he bent down to try and pick the ball up. As in actually pick it up. With his hands. By the time he remembered he wasn’t a goalkeeper and decided the best way to cover the fact he had attempted to pick the ball up by pretending to fall over, the damage was done and referee Chris Britton was pointing to spot while saying “I don’t know where to begin with that.”

Despite that, we somehow got away with a clean sheet. That was another little tribute to Jordan, who himself had drawn a blank in front of goal despite playing in 150 minutes across all three games. Some things are just meant to be.
 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Four solid stops for a well earned clean sheet. He even came off his line a couple of times to claim crosses.
Rob Lloyd
A typically good performance. His best moment was the second half block on the line which was sadly overlooked given Gander decided he would pick up the loose ball seconds later.
Aidan Smyth
An impressive debut for the Oldham-born defender. He didn’t lose a header and looked extremely capable on the ground. Hopefully we can get him signed on before he realises that it’s over £2 a pint around these parts.
Jason Gander
Some crucial blocks. More importantly, he’s already set a very high early benchmark for Comedy Moment of the Season with that astounding handball.
Nick Davie
This was a good showing from Davie given he’d played in the reserves game an hour earlier. Gave away one foul but other than that he was rarely troubled, bar anytime he was asked to take a throw.
Ryan Collins
A couple of giggles but he didn’t have much time to make an impression before hobbling off after a robust tackle from the nasty Turner.
Dave Linehan
Played a little deeper than normal in the holding role but he made the most of the change to display his passing range. His goal was a stunner and he turned up wearing a pretty garish shirt from a team in Turkey for good measure.
Andy Brown
His first start of the season after injury. Was a real threat throughout and got a deserved assist after a barnstorming run down the right.
Stuart Brown
He turned up with two tins of tuna, eating one before the game and one after. We’re still awaiting the medical diagnosis over whether he’s gone insane, but one goal seems to suggest that it might have worked.
Jordan Walsh
He looked a little jaded by the end after 150 minutes of football, but as Chantele said to him “At least you didn’t lose to Dan.” No goals but he did sell his car when pissed afterwards, so swings and roundabouts.
Michael Russell
Reminded everyone of the fact he used to be a winger with a well taken goal from the left of the front three. For the first time in living memory, he didn’t try and send any passes back to McCarthy from 80 yards away.
 

Subs

Reece Wickwar
Introduced earlier than he would’ve liked but offered a controlling presence in an unfamiliar midfield role. Even managed to diffuse a seventh row of the morning between the Brown brothers, showing the leadership qualities that have made him so popular as reserve team manager.
Jon Ballantyne
Became the first Fatboys player to register an assist via a slide tackle. He also hit the post in a performance that was full of attacking intent.

 

Goals

34′ Linehan, assist S Brown
40′ S Brown, assist Ballantyne
46′ Russell, assist A Brown