Fatboys lounge to victory by hitting the champions for six

Hassocks Fatboys 6-2 AFC 2015

Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 8th September 2019
Clayton Recreation Ground
 

“You know how it happens. You go out and get what you think is a chair to take to football to sit on, but you accidentally pick up a sun lounger instead.”

There was something quite apt about Big Bad Stu Robinson’s choice of garden furniture for the visit of AFC 2015. AFC are the reigning Sussex Sunday League champions having won the title with a 100% record. That was one of five trophies they lifted last season and they arrived at Clayton having not lost a Premier Division game since going down 1-0 to the now defunct White Hart in January 2018.

And yet it was the Fatboys who lounged to victory, winning 6-2. A superb performance and an excellent result which has made the Fatboys’ committee look very silly for begging the league not to promote the first team into the top division in the summer.



You’d have got long odds on that final score as the game kicked off and the Fatboys had only 11 players. Charlie Tyzack had text at 9.30am saying he’d be there for 10am. He then text at 10am saying he’d be there for kick off. And at kick off, he text to say that he probably wouldn’t be coming at all.

Still, this was more than we’d got out of Ronnie Devonish. He enters the history books as the first player to have attended a party at which the majority of guest were children, but still managed to end up so hungover he didn’t turn up the following morning. Steve Spies stepped into save the day as the only sub, arriving 30 minutes after kick off having been delayed collecting his pension from the post office.

There were further complications due to a complete lack of centre backs. Jason Gander was on a stag do, Ryan John got injured playing on Saturday and Dan Turner was seeing his girlfriend before she went off to university, much to the astonishment of his team mates. Aidan Smyth was also unavailable with rumours swirling that he was considering his future at the club after just one game due to the £8 match fees, a far cry from the sixpence and two farthings he is used to paying in his native Oldham.

That meant a debut for Andrew Davies, who was partnered at the back by Jordan Walsh. Stuart Brown assumed Jordan’s normal berth through the middle of the front three with Jamie Wilkes left and Dave Keane right. Davo’s first appearance in a Fatboys shirt was long overdue given that he turned up to Clayton every week last season come rain or shine to watch whoever was at home, be it first team or reserves.

As is customary with any new signing, Davo was a clear winner of the man of the match award. He brought a sense of calmness and organisation to a back line that is normally beset with chaos and confusion. That went a long way towards helping deliver such a comfortable success.

It took just over five minutes for the Fatboys to take the lead. Quite what Rob Lloyd was doing in the opposition penalty box is anyone’s guess. Perhaps if he channelled such positivity and aggression into Brexit negotiations we wouldn’t be in the current mess, but there he was getting accidentally kicked in the head by an AFC defender. That left the referee with no choice but to point to the spot with Andy Brown duly dispatching the resulting penalty.
 


 

AFC seemed a little taken aback by that and that soon transformed into full on shell shock when the Fatboys doubled their lead five minutes later. Keane was the scorer, a clinical finish into the bottom corner after Stuart played him in with an excellent ball.

It was Duck’s first goal since October last year, something that seems to have gone under the radar slightly. Since then, he’s taken the worst penalty you’ll ever see against AFC Falmer when he not only back passed the ball to the goalkeeper, but then managed to hit the rebound from three yards out straight at said goalkeeper, who was by that point lying on the ground.

He also didn’t manage to register a single goal or assist while playing as a striker in an 11-0 win over Bison Beer, having subbed himself off at half time by saying “I’ve just fallen over nothing with nobody around me and in 30 yards of space. I’m not going back out there.” This was therefore a welcome return to form for Duck.

AFC regained a bit of composure after that and had much more of the ball, knocking it around nicely on an excellent Clayton surface. But for all that nice approach play, they struggled when it came to the final third as Davo and Jordan were letting nothing through. As a result, AFC began taking pot shots from distance which weren’t troubling Scott McCarthy.

We were quite content to let AFC dominate possession and then try and hit them on the counter by smashing the ball out wide for Duck and Wilkes to get on the end of. For once though, hitting it long wasn’t the only trick up the Fatboys sleeve.

We actually played some nice football when we won the ball back and that created quite a few chances for Stuart and his fellow strikers. Duck was also pinging in some lovely corners and it was Davo who had a glorious chance to mark his debut with a goal from one such delivery but his header was cleared off the line.

Frustration began to boil over for AFC at this point and as a result, a number of robust tackles went in. Dave Linehan got smashed in the midriff, leaving him with a pretty serious rib injury which could rule him out for some time, even though he completed the 90. Jack Lewis was for once the victim of an assault rather than the perpetrator, a terrible two footed sliding tackle earning an AFC defender a booking. Rather sensibly, AFC hauled their man off instantly as the red mist was clearly descending and an early bath seemed inevitable.

That tactical substitution had a galvanising effect and it wasn’t long before AFC pulled one back. After all their pretty football, it was somewhat of a route one goal that did it as a long ball over the top caught out the Fatboys defence and left the AFC captain in one-on-one. Despite it being a tight angle, he hit a superb half volley into the opposite corner of McCarthy’s goal before running towards the bushes to celebrate, much to the delight of the birds and insects who were watching the game intently from there.

Michael Russell then scrambled a header from a corner off the line as the Fatboys were hanging on for half time. That was until three minutes before the break when a pivotal third goal flew into the AFC net. Michael had the ball at left back after AFC only half cleared their lines and their didn’t seem to be much on until he somehow picked out Stuart with a perfect 50 yard diagonal. The pass was great but Stuart still had plenty to do to get the ball down and then drive it into the bottom corner.

3-1 ahead at half time but as the great Martyn Buxton once said, “No lead is a safe lead in Sunday League.” With that in mind, the Fatboys returned to the field determined to add to their advantage. It didn’t take long for that to happen as the second half was just seven minutes old when Stuart added his second and the Fatboys’ fourth after being released by Wilkes.

4-1 up with less than an hour played against a side who hadn’t lost for 19 months was a very disconcerting position to be in. Normal service was soon resumed though when Stuart failed to realise he was standing at least 10 yards off the pitch when he brought a ball under control, and then had the nerve to complain to the linesman about the decision. Ryan on the bench got great joy from this and began laughing like a donkey, which only improved Stuart’s mood as I’m sure you can imagine. A couple of missed chances later and more braying from the sidelines didn’t help.

At the other end, McCarthy parried a distance effort and then got up quickly to block the rebound with his body in a fine double save. He also kept out a header from point blank range in an excellent show of reactions. The AFC goalkeeper meanwhile was equally busy, wiping out Stuart as he looked to round him for a deserved yellow card. The resulting free kick came to nothing.

Goal number five arrived on 72 minutes and this one was a proper route one effort. McCarthy’s goal kick was flicked on by Stuart to Keane who had all the time in the world to advance in on goal and finish neatly. You wait 11 months for the Duck the quack and then you get two in the space of an hour. Andy then added a sixth six minutes later with Stuart claiming another assist.

To most observers, the game was done and dusted at 6-1 with 10 minutes remaining. Even when AFC scored their second with five minutes remaining, another well worked goal on the one occasion they managed to play their way around Davo and Jordan, it must have looked over. Big Stu certainly thought so, saying “I’ve heard of Fatboys collapses, but even we can’t concede a goal every 60 seconds for the next five minutes.”

And do you know what? Stu was right. Spiesy came on for his competitive debut in place of his son-in-law to shore things up. So impressed were AFC by Spiesy’s contribution in the final five minutes that they put in a transfer request for the 50-year-old the next day. It later transpired that this was actually for their veterans side, which was just as well as it’s unlikely that AFC would want to meet Spiesy’s release clause of four pints of Boddingtons and a packet of pork scratchings.

With Spiesy on the pitch, the champions weren’t able to add any more to their score in the closing stages and it was a comfortable victory in the end. Hopefully, the sun lounger turns up every week from now on.
 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Had a surprisingly quiet morning. Two fine saves in the second half was about the extent of his work while his kicking was excellent, a sure-fire sign that Strictly is back on our televisions and he’s spending a Saturday night watching that as opposed to being in the pub.
Rob Lloyd
Returned from injury for his first start of the season. Defended stoutly and it was his bustling run forward and presence in the box which earned the penalty to get the party started.
Jordan Walsh
The Fatboys star striker found himself being asked to do a job at centre back, where he was excellent. “We’ve never lost a game that I’ve started in defence” were his words afterwards, which probably isn’t something to shout about if he wants to go back up front next week.
Andrew Davies
We’ve been praying for a Davo debut for some time now and it was well worth the wait. Didn’t lose a header or tackle and talked his side through the game beautifully, even when he was off the pitch for five minutes in the first half with a nosebleed.
Michael Russell
Was involved in two vital moments at either end. The first saw him scramble a header off the line to prevent AFC equalising in the first half, without which it might have been very different. He then teed up the Fatboys’ third goal for Brown with a superb diagonal pass.
Jack Lewis
A fine performance in his first appearance of the season. Sat in front of the back four, mopped everything up and didn’t give away one foul, which must be some sort of record.
Dave Linehan
Took a hefty blow to the ribs in the first half and then got poleaxed by the large AFC defender in the second. Despite that, he played through the pain barrier. Used the ball sensibly, hitting Wilkes and Keane in the channels most of the time.
Andy Brown
After last week’s hat-trick heroics against Physics, it was a brace this time. Showed a remarkably cool head to convert the early penalty, added his second and the Fatboys’ sixth late on and ran AFC ragged in his role just behind the front three.
Dave Keane
Ended his 11 month run without a goal in some style with a well-taken brace. He was arguably the Fatboys’ best attacking player, constantly having the beating of the left back while delivering some lovely balls in from set piece scenarios.
Stuart Brown
Two goals and two assists made Stuart very happy. He even said afterwards, “I think that is the best we’ve ever played”, which is rather like receiving praise from Queen Victoria.
Jamie Wilkes
Had the whole Wilkes-Spies family watching on and he duly rose to the occasion with an excellent showing on the left wing. Set up Stuart for the fourth goal and was unlucky not to score himself.
 

Subs

Steve Spies
A long awaited competitive debut for the Mid Sussex footballing legend. Impressed so much in his five minutes up front that within 60 seconds of the final whistle, AFC were signing him for their veterans side.
Ryan John
Unused. Should seriously consider entering Britain’s Got Talent with his ability to laugh like a donkey, which was heard pretty much every time Stuart got the ball in the second half.
 

Goals

08′ A Brown, assist Lloyd
13′ Keane, assist S Brown
42′ S Brown, assist Russell
52′ S Brown, assist Wilkes
72′ Keane, assist S Brown
78′ A Brown, assist S Brown
 

Man of the Match

Really, it could have gone to anyone. The standouts were the three goalscorers and Jordan Walsh and Andrew Davies. It’s Davo who takes it for being the glue that held the back line together. A special mention to Big Bad Stu for bringing the sun lounger too.