Hassocks Fatboys 2-4 Castle Sports
Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 15th September 2019
Clayton Recreation Ground
The winning start is over. After two hugely impressive victories over Physics Athletico and AFC 2015 to kick off the 2019-20 Sussex Sunday League season, normal service was resumed for Hassocks Fatboys as they went down to a 4-2 defeat at home to Castle Sports.
This was a strange game, one which both teams could have reasonably claimed they deserved three points from. Castle were undoubtedly the better side, led as always by their captain Zac who nobody in green could get close to. But it was the Fatboys who arguably had the better chances, especially in the second half, as further wastefulness in front of goal proved costly.
Not that we played anywhere near as well as in the previous two weeks. Most of the team had been at Spiesy’s 50th birthday the night before and it showed. Particularly in the case of Andy Brown, who probably shouldn’t have been playing at all.
Our erstwhile captain had actually split the back of his head open playing for Lindfield the previous afternoon. Following a three hour wait in A&E, he gave up and went to Spiesy’s party. Once the festivities had finished at around 1am, he went back to A&E, treating it as if it were a restaurant that didn’t have a table earlier but now might.
After another few hours there, he gave up again and went to Matt Batch’s house where he woke up on the sofa on Sunday morning. Remarkably, Andy’s head had knitted itself back together, which says much for the healing powers of Guinness.
Andy wasn’t the only one struggling with injury. Dave Linehan still hadn’t properly recovered from the blow to his ribs received at the hands of AFC last week and he lasted only 10 minutes before having to go off, where he joined some familiar faces on the sideline.
For it was like a Fatboys 2016-17 reunion in the stands. John Humphrey had decided to celebrate his 47th birthday as any sane man would by watching a game of Sunday League football and Daniel Pidgeon was also there with about six kids in tow. Pidge has clearly been a busy man since we last saw him in the famous green shirt in 2018.
Precious little happened in the opening exchanges save for Linehan exiting proceedings. Jason Gander took his place with Jordan Walsh moving from centre back to his normal strikers berth and Jamie Wilkes-Spies dropping into midfield where Linehan had started. Walsh’s first contribution as a centre forward was to knock the goalkeeper flying when bundling in a loose ball which the visiting custodian had spilled. The goal was disallowed and Walsh became the first Fatboy to pick up a booking this season for his troubles.
Castle’s opener arrived midway through the first half and was the result of some pretty lethargic defending from a throw in. We were lethargic all over the pitch actually as Walsh, Dave Keane and Stuart Brown failed to make anything stick up top and Wilkes, Andy and Jack Lewis struggled to get hold of the ball. This delighted Castle as they began hollering “ALL THEY’VE GOT IS THE LONG BALL.” We are of course fully aware of this fact having used it to good effect to beat them twice last season.
The defence weren’t faring much better, save for Dan Turner who was heading and blocking most things. You wouldn’t have known from his performance that this was a man whose girlfriend has just gone off to university.
Rob Lloyd meanwhile seemed to be on a one man mission to play as many short back passes as possible with one such instance resulting in Scott McCarthy taking a clattering. Thankfully, by this point in time Spiesy had turned up and assumed the role of physio, employing the unusual technique of tickling the goalkeeper’s bollocks to treat his injured ribs.
The only home player who couldn’t be accused of lethargy was Michael Russell, which in fact caused problems of its own. At one point, the left back was to be found running across the pitch to the right wing, leaving a massive gap where he should have been. This led to a wonderful lovers tiff between Michael and Turner about who had played at a higher level of football on a Saturday, which was a joy to witness.
Castle added a second before half time and they nearly had a third thanks to some comical goalkeeping from McCarthy. The Fatboys number one attempted to gather a cross but he lost it in the sun, the result being the ball dropping straight onto his head and knocking off his baseball cap.
Zac must have been the only one present who was able to keep a straight face as with McCarthy now lying on the ground, he rolled the ball into the empty net. Unfortunately for him, Bally had the flag up and the goal was ruled out for offside.
The second half was an instant improvement from a Fatboys point of view and it wasn’t long until a soft penalty was won. Turner smashed a tree kick from just outside of Ditchling into the Castle box where Jordan went down after a slight push in the back. Much to Castle’s disgust, the referee awarded a spot kick and Andy duly sent the keeper the wrong way for his sixth goal of the season.
The Castle response was impressive and they soon fashioned a one-on-one, the captain seeing his low effort somehow turned around the post by the toe of McCarthy. The Fatboys goalkeeper would go onto make three more fine one-on-one saves in the second half which went some of the way towards banishing the memory of losing his hat.
Those chances aside, Castle didn’t offer much until the final 10 minutes. Before then, the Fatboys missed a whole host of opportunities as well as scoring one. John had told Jordan at half time that he would buy Jordan an orange if he managed to score, a strange piece of bribery but one that worked.
The goal came from a Duck corner out on the left which was swung to the back post where Jordan was lurking to head home for 2-2. There was some debate afterwards about whether it was actually Turner who scored, but given that Jordan is yet to get out of the mark this season, Turner graciously conceded that the striker should have it.
As for those missed chances, well we’ll be here all day trying to list them all. Jordan put one wide of the post from about five yards with only the goalkeeper to beat in what was probably the best opportunity. Stuart, Andy and Wilkes were all equally guilty while Duck cut a frustrated figure out on the right as we failed to ever really get him in the game.
That was despite the Castle left back getting sin binned with 15 minutes remaining for a bizarre rant at the referee. Charlie Tyzack replaced Michael at that point as we sought to make something of having an extra man but still Duck remained a peripheral animal and it was actually Castle who went onto win it with two goals in the final 10 minutes.
They went 3-2 ahead when a short free kick routine out on the left caught the Fatboys out, the ball was crossed and the captain leapt like the proverbial salmon to power a header into the top corner. The second came when McCarthy got into the spirit of the upcoming Rugby World Cup a week early by doing a passable impression of Maro Itoje, hauling to the ground the Castle striker who had just gone around him.
A penalty was the only outcome, as the striker helpfully pointed up by staring at McCarthy and shouting “THAT’S A FUCKING PENALTY YOU ****.” “Yes, I know, thank you,” was the reply from the goalkeeper, which seemed to flummox the striker who continued to stare menacingly, at which point McCarthy added, “Keep your hair on.”
This didn’t go down well but luckily Lloyd was there to diffuse the situation, the irony of a bald man stepping in because a non-bald man was angry at being told to keep his hair on not being lost on anyone. After all that, the penalty was smashed low and hard into the bottom corner to kill the game off. Not a good day for the Fatboys.
Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
A mixed morning. Three superb saves in the second half to keep the Fatboys in it, sandwiched between him nearly getting knocked out when a cross dropped straight onto his head and the conceding of a penalty for a rugby tackle in the box.
Rob Lloyd
“I’m not sure what happened” was his answer to the two very short back passes we saw in the first half. Improved in the second and used the negotiating skills he’s picked up from recent Brexit talks to diffuse a potential flash point at the end between McCarthy and a Castle striker.
Dan Turner
Reasonably solid at the back, winning most headers and putting in some sublime blocks. Took one brilliant free kick when he tried to pass the ball to Duck out wide but only succeeded in putting it about 30 yards away from the winger and straight out of play.
Jordan Walsh
Started at centre back again following his stunning defensive display last week against AFC. Linehan’s injury after 10 minutes meant he was soon shifted up top, where he eventually got his first goal of the season with a fine header.
Michael Russell
Was here, there and everywhere. A solid defensive showing on the left for the most part although he perhaps didn’t get forward as much as he’d have liked, which explains why he ended up popping up on the right wing at one point.
Jack Lewis
Put in some meaty challenge and surprisingly didn’t lose his mind despite most things going wrong for the Fatboys. He played some decent balls forward too.
Dave Linehan
Only lasted 10 minutes before his ribs became too painful to continue. It may be some time before we see him again, which is a real blow given how he’s started the season.
Andy Brown
Given the fact that he’d been to A&E twice on Saturday night and in between those two trips got horrendously drunk, this was a good showing from the captain. Notched his sixth of the season with a textbook penalty.
Dave Keane
The Fatboys struggled to get him into the game, which was a shame as it looked like he had the beating of the left back. Claimed one assist with his set piece delivery which was excellent throughout the morning.
Stuart Brown
Started through the middle but was shunted out to the left once Linehan went off. Just like Keane on the right, his teammates struggled to get him in the game.
Jamie Wilkes
He had a few good runs and created his fair share of opportunities, offering a different option when deployed in central midfield.
Subs
Jason Gander
Entered the fray much earlier than he might have expected but had a decent showing at centre back with a performance that was sadly lacking in his normal comedy extras.
Charlie Tyzack
Replaced Michael in the second half as the Fatboys sought to get a more attacking option on the pitch from full back. Put in some strong challenges and got forward to support Stuart well.
Jon Ballantyne
Unused. “I’ve got a hip flask with me. I’m not coming on.”
Goals
51′ A Brown, assist Walsh
74′ Walsh, assist Keane
Bookings
Walsh, bundling the keeper into Plumpton
Man of the Match
Given that he played with a hole in his head, it probably has to go to Andy Brown.