Kingston Village 1-1 Hassocks Fatboys
Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 29th September 2019
When the WhatsApp went out revealing that Hassocks Fatboys were of to Ringmer’s Caburn Ground to take on Kingston Village, there was a collective gasp of horror from the squad.
“I’ve played there twice and been sent off twice,” said Jordan Walsh. “Last time I played there we conceded five goals in a cup final and three were my fault,” said Jason Gander. It looked like a long morning could be in store.
Not that playing at the Caburn this time affected either of those two. Jordan lasted only 20 minutes before going off injured having taken a whack on the hip playing for Horsted Keynes the previous day. That kept up his excellent record of never completing 90 minutes there.
Still, it was better than Gander managed. He text at 8.30am saying he was too ill to make it. He wasn’t the only one feeling sick on Sunday morning either as a quick glance out the bedroom window showed rainfall that would have had Noah rushing for his toolkit.
For reasons that nobody seems to have an explanation for, the Lewes area has its own weather system. A few years ago, we played Kingston in the infamous Invitational Cup which we were entered into without an invitation. Overnight snow made Mid Sussex resemble a ski resort in the French Alps, and yet when we got to Lewes the ground was clear and the pitch was completely playable. Which was a shame as we got dicked 5-0.
On this occasion, the monsoon that was battering Hassocks had given way to light rain by the time we reached Ringmer. The Caburn groundsman was filling a hole in one of the goalmouths with sand and we were greeted by a playing surface that had a lovely green covering on it. Unfortunately, a closer inspection revealed that this greenness was in fact a layer of weeds rather than the grass that you traditionally find on a football pitch.
Given that we’d been told not to warm up in the area to prevent it becoming even more like the surface of the moon, the normal pre game preparation of smashing the ball as hard as possible at Scott McCarthy was foregone in favour of standing around and talking to the referee.
When the subject of the jewellery check came up, Davo told us that when he takes his wedding ring off before every game, his wife assumes he must be meeting a mistress as nobody in their right mind wants to get up early on a Sunday morning to play football. It’s a bloody good point to be fair. If you’re reading this Sophie, we can confirm that Andy was present and correct at Ringmer and not doing anything untoward, except helping the Fatboys earn a wholly undeserved point.
Because that’s what this 1-1 draw was. We had maybe two shots on target all morning, one of which saw Davo set up Dave Keane for the opening goal with 15 minutes remaining. Kingston had plenty of the ball but couldn’t find their way past a new-look Fatboys back line. When they did, they were met by a McCarthy who was in inspired form despite having turned up wearing a set of flowery curtains because they were the only waterproof thing he could find.
The hosts did eventually equalise with five minutes to go, a free kick bent around the wall and into the top corner. It was the very least they deserved; if we’d clung on to win then we’d have had to refer ourselves to Sussex Police for daylight robbery. Even a draw was such an injustice that we found ourselves apologising to the opposition at the end of the game.
While most teams would have enjoyed kicking down the significant Caburn hill with a strongwind behind them, it actually made the first half more difficult for the Fatboys. When your tactics involve hitting the ball into the channels for Duck, Jordan and Stuart to chase, then a gale and slope that carry it straight through to the goalkeeper are likely to prove more hindrance than help.
There were a couple of half chances, Andy Brown blasting over when well placed and Duck cutting in from the left to hit a shot over after him and Stuart had swapped wings. Jordan’s early departure didn’t help and it led to a huge reshuffle as Davo went from centre back to centre forward, debutant Mike McDonald shifted to the middle of defence and Michael Russell came on at right back after moonlighting as a striker for the Reserves last week.
Andy described Mcdonald and Ryan Collins as “The most unpredictable centre back pairing I’ve ever seen. You just don’t know what’s going to happen or when they’re going to try and kill someone.” High praise given we had Gander partnering Pidge back there for the best part of two years.
In the end, Roo and Mike actually had a good game of it. That was particularly impressive in Roo’s case given he had his first talking to from the referee after two minutes and was booked after 10, leaving him walking a disciplinary tightrope for the remaining 80.
Roo is also horrifically unfit and was extremely honest when he opened up about his recent weight gain, saying he finds it quite upsetting and it plays heavy on his mind. Stuart was a great help at this point, saying, “It’s almost like someone has got a suction machine and pulled all the fat out of my stomach and put it straight into you,” complete with suction actions. With friends like that, it was little wonder Roo tried to kick anything that moved from the first whistle.
Despite the mid half disruption to the line up, the defence dealt reasonably well with the Kingston threat. McCarthy made only one stop, a sprawling save away to his right as the hosts were restricted to pot shots from outside the box. In the middle of the park, Jack Lewis and Ronnie Devonish were doing an excellent job at stopping Dougal, our favourite opposition player from making much of an impact. Charlie Tyzack on the left was also coping admirably with a right winger with hair almost as good as Dougal’s and who was a real threat throughout.
Tyzack had only made himself available late on Saturday evening, an absolute God send as it turned out given Gander’s late withdrawal. He could only play the first half though and that meant another change to the defence at the break as Jon Ballantyne came on for his first appearance of the season.
Bally had stated about six times in the lead up to the game that he would come along but he couldn’t play, so you can imagine his joy at having to be introduced as Tyzack dashed off. He had a good time of it at left back though, lasting 35 minutes in which he controlled a ball with his teeth after it zipped up off the surface to smack him square in the face. He also went on a mesmerising 60 yard run forward with the ball ricocheting off all kinds of body parts.
That run was brought to an unceremonious end when he ran straight into the Kingston left back who he bounced straight back off, leading to Stuart’s best meltdown of the season so far of “FUCK ME BALLY”, which they could probably hear in Hastings.
Bally was eventually replaced by teenage debutant Miles Collins who took Stuart’s place on the right side of attack with Stuart dropping in at left back. The aim of this reshuffle was to try and preserve the lead that had been earned a few minutes earlier. Davo had chased a ball over the top and done brilliantly to hold it up on the goal line, wait for support and then turn his man. His pass found Duck who’d come quacking in from the left to smash an unstoppable stop into the roof of the net. 1-0 ahead and it truly was criminal.
Before that, McCarthy had made an astonishing save when a cross to the back post looked set to be converted by one of two Kingston players who were completely free and no more than five yards out. Somehow, the Fatboys number one managed to spring across his goal and keep the resulting volley out from point blank range, receiving a kick in the bollocks for his efforts.
Another outstanding stop followed at full stretch from an effort that skidded off the weeds at the very last moment. At that point, it looked like the Fatboys might just hold on for an unjust three points. Ronnie even had a chance to double the lead after a rare bit of good football from the men in green presented him with a sight of goal but his effort rose up and just over the bar.
That miss proved costly when Kingston earned a free kick on the edge of the box with five minutes remaining after a nice double drag back caused absolute pandemonium. The resulting set piece was a stunning one and Kingston had their equaliser, although it might have helped had the Fatboys five man wall attempted to block the effort by jumping.
The Fatboys bus was well and truly parked for the final five minutes, despite which Kingston could have won it with two late chances. A volley from a man left free at the back post somehow went out for a throw and then with the final kick of the game, McCarthy made another fine save with his legs in a crowded penalty box with McDonald hacking away the loose ball. That’s our get out of jail free card played for the season.
Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
A point earning performance. Three saves in the second half of the highest quality. Normal service will no doubt be resumed next week.
Mike McDonald
Broke the ice with his new team mates by introducing himself to everyone whilst completely naked in the changing room beforehand. Looked good at right back and even better at centre half, blocking shots and trying to get the side playing out from the back.
Andrew Davies
Began at centre back where he was his usual commanding self. Showed his versatility by leading the line as a traditional target man after Jordan had hobbled off, leading to an excellent assist. He also made the observation of the game, shouting “I think their keeper has a slightly bigger kick than Scott” as the Kingston number one’s first drop kick went out for a goal kick at the other end via only one bounce.
Ryan Collins
The referee took an instant dislike to him, proving three match official to be a great judge of character. That early booking for assault could’ve left him in a world of problems but he timed every tackle to perfection after.
Charlie Tyzack
His late availability got the Fatboys out of something of a hole. Probably had his stiffest test of the season against a very dangerous winger, which he passed well.
Jack Lewis
The midfielder absolutely thrives in conditions where it’s slippy enough to make an unnecessary slide tackle look like an accident and so it proved once again. Kept Dougal quiet for the main part and played a vital role helping the defence out in the second half. He also fell over his own leg at one point in the first half and thought nobody had noticed. We did Jack, we did.
Ronnie Devonish
After his goal scoring exploits last week, he nearly repeated the trick with a second half shot that rose just over the bar. Used the ball sensibly and got through plenty of hard work which was impressive given that he didn’t even have a lift to the game at 9am.
Andy Brown
Managed to get in a few of his favourite phrases such as “That is a shocking decision,” and “Bally, just think about it.” Had a couple of shots from distance and won back possession in a grafting shift. The new Reflex-sponsored captain’s armband likes nice.
Dave Keane
Started on the right but didn’t have much joy against one of the few full backs in the league as quick as him. Had a much better time of it on the left and that’s ultimately where his fine finish came from after a clever cross field off-the-ball run.
Jordan Walsh
He’s still never completed 90 minutes at the Caburn, although at least this time it was due to injury rather than a red card. Spent the time he wasn’t on the pitch sat in the stand doing some great work on the Twitter account.
Stuart Brown
Not his best morning as he was unable to get any joy out of the same full back who’d kept Duck so quiet. He did manage to get in one brilliant rant at Bally.
Subs
Michael Russell
Introduced early at right back and struck up a quick relationship with McDonald on that side of defence. Tackled well and was positionally disciplined, hugely important given the pressure we were under.
Jon Ballantyne
Not fully fit but still willing to do a job as part of the constant defensive reshuffles. Put in some brave challenges including the one which ended his morning as he was poleaxed into the advertising hoardings.
Miles Collins
His first taste of league action after impressing in the Team Curly v Team Sailor Intersquad friendly in the summer. Showed some good touches and work rate out on the right while significantly lowering the average age of the side.
Goals
75′ Keane, assist Davies
Bookings
R Collins, third foul of the morning inside of 10 minutes
Man of the Match
Andrew Davies was excellent both in defence and up top and Mike McDonald had an encouraging debut. Without Scott McCarthy‘s string of saves though it would have been a very different game.