Hove Lawns 1-5 Hassocks Fatboys
Roy Terrington Trophy First Round
Sunday 6th October 2019
The Roy Terrington Trophy and Hassocks Fatboys don’t make for comfortable bed fellows. While we managed to reach the semi finals last season, it’s a competition in which we normally do our level best to get eliminated from against sides from the lower leagues – namely, Division Two.
Division Two Hangover 96 knocked us out in the 2017-18 season. That was after Division Two Hove FC should have done the same two rounds previously but we somehow escaped with a 2-1 win in, “The worst game of football I’ve ever been involved in,” according to Andy Brown.
Last year’s journey to the last four required Scott McCarthy penalty heroics to see off Division Two side B Town Flooring. In 2014-15, we’d trailed 4-1 with just 20 minutes remaining before launching a ridiculous comeback to win 5-4 against Division Tw…actually, it was Sussex Coast from Division Four on that occasion. But you get the picture.
So while a first round tie for the Premier Division table topping Fatboys away at a Hove Lawns side sitting eighth in….. wait for it…… Division Two looked straightforward enough on paper, those seasoned Fatboys veterans among us knew that it would be anything but easy in reality.
And that was without the raft of no shows that is becoming worryingly frequent. This week it was Ryan Collins and Ronnie Devonish who failed to show at Wish Park. Thankfully, Andy had foreseen this coming and relegated Stuart Young and Nick Davie from the reserves on the morning of the game. We were indebted to those two for volunteering to help out, although the fact they were both under consideration for goalkeeping duties with Nick Jones and JP absent for the twos probably swayed that decision.
We were also grateful to see Miles Collins turn up despite the fact he had been unexpectedly arrested the previous evening. In dedication that would put some of his team mates to shame, young Miles got out of Crawley Police Station and raced down to Hove still wearing the grey jumper and trousers combination you’re given for a night in the cells. Needless to say, he was given a heroes welcome.
Also receiving a rapturous reception was new signing Karel Kutaa. He instantly impressed his teammates by circumventing the ridiculous permit holders only parking situation around Wish Park by pulling up on someone’s drive, knocking on their door and asking if they minded if he parked there for a couple of hours. Jordan meanwhile went for the much less subtle approach of barricading his van in with cones so it looked like he was working in the local area.
The fact we came into the game with five strikers meant abandoning the normal 4-3-3 in favour of 4-4-2. A dodgy parking strike duo was formed by Jordan and Karel up top with Stuart Brown and Dave Keane on the wings. Given that neither Stuart nor Duck are fond of defending, it was effectively a 4-2-4.
The other forward was Jamie Wilkes-Spies, who was back from a weekend off for girlfriend duty. Wilkesy did at least have the positional discipline to stick to his new role in the centre of midfield alongside Andy while the back line saw Stuy Young and form a new centre back partnership with Steve Spies. Michael Russell and a very hungover Rob Lloyd completed the baldest back line in Fatboys history.
So, not only were we without key players and playing an unfamiliar formation but we also found ourselves defending a ferocious wind in the first half. It’s little wonder that McCarthy’s words of wisdom before the game amounted to, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Within 30 seconds, that proved to be a stunningly accurate prophecy as that’s how long it took Lawns to take the lead.
From kick off, Wilkesy played a loose pass. The ball got switched to our right where Michael was pushed over. That left a free run into the box and with McCarthy dawdling out of goal like a man who’d had one too many San Miguel the previous day, the Lawns striker was able to clip a neat shot over the goalkeeper and into the top corner.
Not the best start we’ve ever made to a game. Lawns had quite rightly identified that the wind was going to be a significant factor and as such they began chancing their arm from long range as a number of efforts whistled close to goal but never quite near enough to have McCarthy looking worried.
It took a good 15 minutes for the Fatboys to settle down and finally begin creating opportunities. The Lawns goalkeeper made three fine stops from Jordan, Karel and Stuart while Duck was beginning to get some joy down the right when the linesman’s flag wasn’t being raised which was sadly a frequent occurrence.
On 26 minutes the equaliser arrived and it was Stuart who got it, latching onto a clever pass from Karel and finishing with aplomb for 1-1. That was about it in terms of first half action as the Fatboys final ball was lacking, almost as if we were trying to force chances that we didn’t need to – especially given that the wind would be in our favour in the second half.
There was one adjustment at the break as Stuart claimed his hamstring was injured and he’d therefore be much more use up front where he wouldn’t need to do as much running. For some reason, we actually listened to this nonsense and Stuart and Karel switched positions.
The second half was in stark contrast to the first as we looked much more composed on the ball and waited for chances to come. Spiesy and Stu were stroking it between each other as we even tried to play out from the back. Nine minutes into the second half and that neat approach play was rewarded when the Fatboys earned a free kick out on the right with Duck’s delivery helping to put the visitors into the lead for the first time.
There’s been a fair bit of debate about what actually happened for this goal and who it should be awarded to. What we do know is that Spiesy completely misjudged his header and so ended up having to use his ear to direct the ball goal wards.
Given that this is a body part made up largely of tissue, the veteran got an extraordinary amount of power on the ball with his ear and it eventually reached Jordan who fired it towards goal. A scramble ensued with Andy eventually smashing it into the back of the net before very honestly claiming that it was Jordan’s as the ball had already cleared the line.
Stuart meanwhile was determined that the goal should go to Spiesy because it would “Show what a great youth system we have.” Given that Spiesy graduated from youth football some 32 years ago – that’s 25 years before the Fatboys were formed – a cynic might suggest that Stuart didn’t want Jordan or Andy to get the goal as they are only five and 17 behind him respectively in the all-time scorers charts.
Within minutes of that, Andy had legitimately got himself onto the score sheet when he tackled a Lawns opponent near the edge of the box, took a couple of strides forward and bent the ball low and hard into the bottom corner.
At that point, it should have been game over but Lawns weren’t done yet and credit to them as they kept plugging away. Twice they caught the Fatboys defence out to fashion one-on-one’s but on both occasions McCarthy kept the resulting chances out with two smart saves.
An unfortunate clash of heads saw Lloyd depart from proceedings with Davie coming on and soon after, the Fatboys had the fourth. This was a goal that began with McCarthy, Spiesy, Michael and Stuy Young and Davie playing themselves out of trouble from the back. Davie clipped a ball up to Stuart who teed up Jordan for his brace. It was at this point that the Lawns linesman’s friendly flagging reached its nadir. Quite rightly, the referee dismissed the attempted offside and the goal stood.
Conscience of Stuart’s ‘hamstring’ problem, we subsequently hauled him off for the final 25 minutes in order to protect him for tougher challenges ahead. Stuart was far from impressed, his injury apparently undergoing a remarkable recovery in his time up front meaning he was now fit enough to stay on. Nobody was having it though and jail bird Miles took his place.
Stuart needn’t have worried as he was soon back on in place of Duck once our little feathered friend had set up Karel for a debut goal. Now, Duck appreciated quite how pissed your author still was throughout the game and so he WhatsApped me a detailed description of the assist and goal. That was on Sunday night. Unfortunately, on Monday morning I got a new phone and so Dave’s account of what happened was lost forever. Sorry.
Duck’s reasons for going off at this point were twofold. One was that he wanted a bacon sandwich from the Wish Park cafe. The other was that because the referee had stopped the game for five minutes after every decision to explain why he’d given something, the clock was about to tick past 12.30. As one of the only Fatboys who had actually parked in a designated space and paid for it, his parking was running out and he was in danger of a ticket.
Luckily, that was a fate the befell none of the Fatboys despite the game not finishing until nearly two hours after it had begun. The final score was 5-1, no parking tickets were issued and an unusually comfortable route into the next round of the Roy against lower division opponents was achieved. We’ll take that.
Fatboys (4-4-2)
Scott McCarthy
Didn’t have much to do in the first half save for watch the ball fly over his head inside of 30 seconds. Two important one-on-one saves in the second arrived around the time he began to sober up.
Michael Russell
Recovered well from getting pushed over in the build up to Lawns’ opener. Not sure what he enjoyed most about this game – that we actually played football out from the back or the fact that for the first time in his Fatboys career, he was the member of the back four with the most hair.
Steve Spies
Central to this newfangled idea of playing out from the back. Claimed an assist with his ear and provided one moment of deep reflection when he pointed at the Under 8 game taking place on the pitch behind and said “Just think, that was me 45 years ago”.
Stuart Young
Volunteered to step up from the reserves and was rewarded with 90 minutes at centre back. He didn’t put a foot wrong. When asked what it was like playing passes inside his own six yard box, he replied “Unusual”.
Rob Lloyd
Following his all day drinking session, the last thing he would have wanted to happen was to suffer a clash of heads. A solid shift at left back.
Dave Keane
Seemed to enjoy himself out on the right. Claimed one assist in the second half before subbing himself off to get a bacon sandwich.
Andy Brown
One well taken goal and one meltdown at the referee that his brother would have been proud of. His biggest contribution was probably being sober enough to realise that we weren’t going to have enough players without dragging a few Reserves along.
Jamie Wilkes
A buzzing presence in midfield. He got on the ball well, made things happen and we even got to see that beautiful Maradona turn take out another two players in one go.
Stuart Brown
Responded to his more defensive role as a traditional left winger by getting injured, being unable to run and therefore having to move up front. Scored an important goal which got us back into the tie despite kicking against the wind at the time.
Jordan Walsh
Given the lack of centre backs at 8am, there was a very real danger that Jordan might have found himself shunted into defence. It’s just as well he wasn’t as he notched twice in all action display leading the line.
Karel Kutaa
Set the stall out for an impressive morning by asking a local resident if he could park on their drive for a few hours. An assist and a goal was followed on an extremely encouraging debut.
Subs
Nick Davie
Had half an hour to impress at left back. Played a part in Jordan’s second goal and could have had an assist of his own until “I decided to overrun the ball and foul the bloke instead.”
Miles Collins
Remarkable dedication to come straight from Crawley Police Station to Wish Park. Linked up well with Michael down the right.
Goals
26′ S Brown, assist Kutaa
54′ Walsh, assist Spies
58′ A Brown, assist Wilkes
65′ Walsh, assist S Brown
69′ Kutaa, assist Keane
Man of the Match
This was one of those games where everyone had 7/10s but for his ingenious parking idea and the fact we always seem to award it to a debutant, it’s Karel Kutaa. Oh, the goal and the assist were good too.