Tally Ho 2-4 Hassocks Fatboys

George Millyard Cup First Round
Sunday 24th November 2019
 

Maybe it was the two bottles of Prosecco and eight pints of Guinness the previous day at Ascot Races, but something looked very strange at the Stanley Turner Ground as Hassocks Fatboys prepared to take on Tally Ho in round one of the George Millyard Cup.

“Bloody hell, Jordan’s grown.” And it was true, he had. At the age of 27, Jordan Walsh appeared to have had a remarkable growth spurt which had seen him shoot up to over seven feet tall in the space of a week. How else could you explain the fact that he was standing in the goal with his head touching the crossbar?

In fact, it wasn’t just Jordan who’d grown. Stuart and Andy Brown were also now the same height as the goal. Michael Russell too. Even Duck might have been able to touch the bar (with the aid of a small stepladder). It soon became apparent that nobody had actually grown – rather, in a wonderful cock up, somebody had inadvertently booked a child’s pitch.

Even for us grizzeld Sunday League veterans, this was a new one. We’ve had games where the kit hasn’t turned up until five minutes before kick. Countless warm ups have been carried out without any footballs. We’ve played without nets and with bags instead of corner flags. But never before on a pitch designed for Under 11s football.

One man who didn’t seem to be enjoying this utter shambles was the referee. “This cannot be right,” were his disbelieving words before he disappeared on a 10 minute walk around this vast sporting complex in search of an adult sized pitch. But it was right. There were two cricket pitches and about five rugby pitches but no more football pitches.

It certainly posed an interesting challenge for the Fatboys. How would we fare when, if we played our normal long ball football, the ball would just fly out for a Tally Ho goal kick every time? This problem would have been exacerbated had Dan Turner been available, given that he can kick the ball the length of three adult pitches and throw it the equivalent distance of Haywards Heath to Hanoi. Turner could quite feasibly have scored from 30 yards behind our own goal if he were present.

The answer was to actually try and keep possession – which was in itself quite difficult given that the pitch resembled a cabbage patch. Mike McDonald and Steve Spies had faith in their ability to play out from the back even if nobody else did, especially in Spiesy’s case after his interesting performance away at AFC 2015 the previous week.

That 6-1 elimination from the Sussex Sunday Challenge Cup seemed to have left a lot of people scarred and so it was a threadbare squad that made the trip to Lewes. Jason Gander had jetted off to an island in the Caribbean somewhere seeking treatment for PTSD. Jack Lewis – who had to be hauled after 20 minutes for trying to fight his own teammates – was in a secure psychiatric unit. Even Jamie Wilkes-Spies, a man who Andy has famously groomed into believing that he must play Sunday League football every week, couldn’t be convinced to get out of bed.

As a result, we had to dip into the reserves to make up the numbers. Both Nick Davie and Kevin Ticehurst were delighted to have received the call up while Alex Ternouth was also wheeled out for his annual appearance. As a man who is known to love a shambles, Tooth was grinning even more like a Cheshire cat than normal when he realised that we were playing on a child’s pitch. For those of you wondering whether Kev could reach the crossbar, he would have needed to borrow Duck’s stepladder.

Our last cup game against lower league opposition hadn’t got off to the best of starts. On that occasion one month ago, Hove Lawns scored inside of 60 seconds which made for a very uncomfortable opening 30 minutes before the Fatboys took control, eventually ending up 5-1 winners.

This time around, we did at least manage to last five minutes before going behind. Tally Ho made the brighter start and they were rewarded when the central midfielder slammed one into the top corner from distance. Which on this pitch, was about 10 yards out.

That woke the Fatboys up a bit with Ronnie Devonish in particular driving them on from midfield. Michael Russell meanwhile was taking advantage of the pitch size to link up well with Duck up the right flank, which was in stark contrast to Rob Lloyd on the left who also cut a very hungover figure following Saturday’s racing action.

Bert also had to deal with the fact that his side of the pitch had a number of trees overhanging it, meaning that every time a long ball was played up the line there was a danger it would smash into a branch before it could reach its intended target. Three Tally Ho throw ins had to be retaken in quick succession because the ball hit a branch and dropped straight down.

Our already unimpressed referee became even more disgruntled, saying, “Can we please just try and avoid throwing the ball into the tree.” His mood wasn’t helped when somebody enquired what the actual rules of the game say about whether a throw should be retaken if it hits a tree, as if FIFA have ever had to take it into consideration.

Tally Ho led right up until the 30 minute mark when a superb passing move hauled the Fatboys level. Ronnie and Duck were both involved, releasing Jordan whose perfect cross was met by a stonking volley from captain Andy. The roles were reversed three minutes later, this time Andy teeing up Jordan who leathered into top corner of the doll’s sized goal. From 1-0 down to 2-1 ahead in 180 seconds.

The Fatboys weren’t done there either. Growing in confidence, Russell, Lloyd, Spies and McDonald were now stroking it around like Prince Andrew in one of Brian Epstein’s bedrooms. It was such pleasing passing play that teed up the third, McDonald stepping out of the back line to find Ronnie who cut inside a couple of men and fired a shot into the bottom corner from just inside the Tally Ho half. So about 25 yards out.

At half time, the message was simply to go out and kill the game off as quickly as possible. Within seven minutes of the restart, Duck added a fourth with a ping into the stanchion after he’d turned his marker inside out. Russell was the man with the assist after he’d won back possession and beaten two Tally Ho players up the right flank.

Game over? Not quite. Tally Ho pulled one back on the hour mark when the defence pushed 20 yards higher than was necessary, which on this pitch left inside the home side’s half. This was a dangerous game to play with a back four that possessed all the pace of an Eddie Stobbart lorry going uphill with the handbrake on. Tally Ho duly took advantage, embarking on a moderately paced counter attack which resulted in them making it 4-2.

McCarthy had to make a superb double save from a one-on-one after a long ball over the top caught everyone out and the Fatboys number one then tipped one onto the bar, the faintest of touches from his fingertips preventing him getting lobbed in a child’s goal in something straight out of the Nick Jones playbook.

All three subs were thrown on as the heavy pitch began to take it’s toll on Fatboys legs. Tooth was straight into the swing of things with a big, “We’re at sixes and sevens here boys” shout as another Tally Ho chance came and went. Davie had to make a great last ditch challenge while Kev had a glorious chance to score after good work by Duck but he snatched just wide. The scenes had that gone in would have been memorable and even Stuart – who took being replaced by Kev very well as per usual – would have been forced into raising a smile.

4-2 is how it finished. It wasn’t pretty but it never tends to be when the Fatboys face opposition from a lower division as we always make hard work of it. A meeting with either B Town Flooring or Pevensey & Westam (both from a lower division) awaits in the next round of the George while next week, attention switches to the Roy Terrington Trophy and a game against The View (also from a lower division) at glamorous Waterhall and it’s 1930s concentration camp-style facilities. Suddenly, playing on a child’s pitch in Lewes doesn’t seem so bad.

 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Channelled his inner Jonesy by nearly getting lobbed in a child’s goal. His second half double save to preserve the Fatboys’ two goal advantage when Tally Ho looked to be getting on top was important.
Michael Russell
Decided he fancied a go at right back this week, presumably because he’s become so fed up with Stuart’s lack of tracking back on the left. He forged a good understanding with Duck over on that side which culminated in an assist.
Mike McDonald
Helped to build play from the back, which was important as if the Fatboys tried to go long, the ball just flew off the pitch. It was his clever pass which set up Ronnie for the third.
Steve Spies
After last week’s interesting performance, Spiesy veered back from the ridiculous to the sublime. Didn’t put a foot wrong in 65 minutes of solid work before making way for Tooth.
Rob Lloyd
For a man who was feeling the effects of an all day Saturday session, he did well at left back. Finally received his present for passing the 100 appearance mark last month before this week’s game – a ‘Mr Brexit’ t-shirt – around 10 minutes after he said he wasn’t taking part in this year’s Secret Santa as he “didn’t want anymore wigs or Brexit related shit.” Ooops.
Dave Linehan
Came back into the starting line up in place of the absent Jack. He seemed to really enjoy playing on a smaller pitch, demonstrating a superb range of passing as well as being able to cover around 40 yards when his trademark nine stepovers in a row came out.
Ronnie Devonish
Second Man-of-the-Match award in a row for young Ronnie. For a man who had never scored an 11-a-side goal in his life prior this season, to have three before we’ve even reached the halfway point of the season speaks volume about the form he’s in.
Andy Brown
Another contender for Goal of the Season from the Fatboys captain with a fine volley. His assist for Jordan’s effort a few minutes later was equally impressive.
Dave Keane
While the general consensus was that the pitch was child sized, another way to look at it was that it was Duck sized. Dave certainly thrived as he tormented the Tally Ho left back.
Jordan Walsh
His first half link up play with Andy was what hauled the Fatboys back into the tie after a difficult opening 30 minutes. Looks in good nick in front of goal at the moment.
Stuart Brown
Said afterwards that because he didn’t score a goal, claim an assist and got subbed off that he was going to retire with immediate effect. We look forward to seeing Stuart next week.

 

Subs

Alex Ternouth
Only decided to play late on Saturday afternoon when Spiesy collared him after a few beers. Threw in some trademark phrases and seemed to get more enjoyment out of anyone else about the pitch situation.
Nick Davie
Responded well to being dropped from the reserves with a 25 minute stint at left back. One last ditch sliding tackle was particularly important.
Kevin Ticehurst
Kev was eager to impress on a rare first team outing and he did that with a good work rate. He had a decent chance to score too; had he of converted, it probably would have driven Stuart to the verge of a nervous breakdown.

 

Goals

29′ A Brown, assist Walsh
31′ Walsh, assist A Brown
37′ Devonish, assist McDonald
52′ Keane, assist Russell

 

Man-of-the-Match

Another easy Man-of-the-Match win for Ronnie Devonish who passed, headed and tackled like a man possessed. His third goal of the season was the least he deserved for his efforts.