The View 3-7 Hassocks Fatboys

Roy Terrington Trophy Second Round
Sunday 1st December 2019
 

Waterhall. Is there a bleaker place on Earth to be at 9.30am on a Sunday morning?

The changing rooms look and feel like they’ve been imported directly from a concentration camp. The passing traffic on the A27 means that after 90 minutes of football, you’ve been exposed to enough carbon monoxide to kill a small mammal. It’s always windy, it always rains and some stuck up twat in a massive Range Rover always ends completely blocking the small road in and out as they’ve got to drop Tarquin off at rugby practice.

For six seasons, Waterhall was the home ground of Hassocks Fatboys. Moving to Clayton Rec in 2018 was the best thing that we’ve probably ever done as a football club. Not only does it mean that you can be sat in the Club with a pint of Stella Artois within 10 minutes of the full time whistle, but it also means no more playing at a place grimmer than Josef Fritzl’s dungeon.

Sadly, the draw for the second round of the Roy Terrington Trophy ensured that the first team would have suffer Waterhall once more. Division Two’s bottom side The View were the opponents. The Fatboys’ mission was pretty straightforward – get in there, get into the next round of the competition and get out. Preferably without losing too many years to toxic exhaust fumes along the way. We managed the first three parts of the plan, securing a relatively straightforward 7-3 success. As for the cost to human health, that remains to be seen.

Unsurprisingly given the location, we were down to the bare bones for this one. Only 12 players were available at closing time in the Block & Gasket on Saturday night and two of those were teenage duo Matt Jasper and Miles Collins who had never started a game for the club before. Any of the normal Sunday morning dropouts and we would be up a very famous creek without any sort of paddle.

Luckily, there were no dropouts. In fact, we ended up with drop-ins for what must be the first time in Fatboys history. At 7.30am, Dave Linehan declared himself available. At 8am, Karel Kutaa said he could make an appearance. 12 had suddenly become a strong 14. This naturally meant that we found ourselves 1-0 down inside of 10 minutes to a side two divisions below us who are yet to win a game this season.

It’s becoming a bit of a recurring theme. In the first round of this competition, we’d found ourselves trailing 1-0 with just 30 seconds played against The View’s fellow Division Two outfit, Hove Lawns. A week ago, Tally Ho of Division One had seized the lead inside of five minutes in the George Millyard Cup. We’d even said in this week’s team talk to try and go longer than six or seven minutes without falling behind to a team from a lower division, which I suppose technically we did by lasting 10.

The View’s opener arrived from the penalty spot after their dangerous little striker broke free of Mike McDonald and Michael Russell. The latter Michael began chasing back, managing to put in an excellent sliding tackle which sent the ball out for a corner. Somehow, the referee deemed it a foul and so pointed to the spot with the hosts duly converting the penalty.

The View’s energy levels in the first 20 minutes were frankly absurd. Every time a Fatboy got the ball, they were instantly surrounded by two or three orange shirts snapping at their heels. It was like watching a Jugen Klopp side on LSD and we constantly gave the ball away because of it.

There appeared little chance that they’d be able to keep that work rate up over the course of 90 minutes unless they’d had some sneaky injections from Alberto Salazar. We had just had to bide our time, wait for The View to tire and then step it up a gear. Luckily, we had a very patient team out with the exception of Stuart Brown who was of course losing his mind with a grand total of 15 minutes played.

By the time the midway point in the first half rolled around, The View were already starting to flag. With time and space now to work, the Fatboys put together a blistering passing move which carved the hosts apart and ended with Andy Brown finding Dave who finished with aplomb. Straight from kick off, we regained possession and this time another lightning quick attack worked its way down the right with Andy crossing for Jamie Wilkes-Spies to convert. From 1-0 down to 2-1 ahead in less than 60 seconds.

With Rob Lloyd, Steve Spies and the two Michaels stroking it around at the back like nobody’s business and the midfield three of Wilkesy, Dave and Andy on top, plenty more chances came for the Fatboys. Goal number three arrived on 35 minutes when Andy got his big head onto an excellent corner from young Matt Jasper. Jordan Walsh then got in on the act two minutes later with goal number four, assisted by Stuart.

Scott McCarthy had to be alert to rush off his line and clear out a rare foray forward from The View as half time approached. The Fatboys goalkeeper was then miles out of position retrieving a ball for a game taking place on the adjacent pitch as the hosts launched another attack but McDonald was alert to snuff out the danger.

There was still time in the first half for the Fatboys to add a fifth, Russell striding forward from right back to smash a shot from 25 yards against the post. The loose ball began rolling slowly along the line and as we all waited with baited breath to see if it would cross for a rare Michael goal, Jordan did what all good strikers do by arriving on the scene to smash home and claim it for himself.

The second half was only six minutes old when Jordan rounded off his hat-trick with Wilkesy the creator. We looked to be on easy street now and so a raft of changes were made with Miles replacing Russell at right back, Karel taking the place of Jordan in attack and Jack Lewis coming on for Andy.

This was Jack’s first appearance since he’d attempted to have a fight with Russell after just 20 minutes of our 6-1 defeat to AFC 2015 in the County Cup a fortnight ago. Prior to kick off, Jack had apologised to Michael, his teammates, his family and all the Beppe di Marco look-a-likes out there for those shocking scenes.

Speaking of shocking scenes, with both Andy and Jordan off the pitch the captain’s armband fell to Stuart for the first time. Shakespeare once wrote “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown” but Stuart didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he even shouted some positive things out once the responsibility of the armband had been bestowed upon him.

Unfortunately, one of the first notable moments of the Stuart Captaincy Era was for the Fatboys to concede. Again, it was a perfectly timed slide challenge that won the ball and again, the referee incredibly decided to award a penalty. Spiesy was the culprit this time and he was seething, shouting at the referee, “I’VE BEEN PLAYING FOOTBALL FOR 50 YEARS AND THAT IS THE WORST DECISION I’VE EVER SEEN……. I’VE GOT TO WALK AWAY.” And walk away he did, heading for side of the pitch where Mrs Spies helpfully pointed out that if he’s been playing football for 50 years, that makes him at least 68 years old.

The View dispatched their second penalty but the deficit was pegged back to four for less than a minute. Captain Stuart skipped past a couple of challenges and rounded the goalkeeper to find himself with an open goal, at which Karel brilliantly appeared from nowhere to effectively tackle his own player, steal the ball and roll it into the empty net. Words cannot describe how much joy this brought to everyone.

There was one last goal to come and it was arguably the best of the game as The View’s midfielder smashed one into the stanchion from 25 yards out, rounding off the scoring at 7-3. Job done, name in the hat for round three and hopefully we won’t be coming back to Waterhall again any time soon.

 

Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)

Scott McCarthy
Beaten by two penalties and a very good strike from distance. Performed an extremely dangerous Cruyff turn on his own goal line in the second half which somehow he got away with.
Michael Russell
Unlucky not to net a rare goal when his shot cannoned off the post and rolled along the line. Rolled back the years by enjoying a run up front in the second half.
Mike McDonald
Saw plenty of the ball and helped build from the back. Possibly the first game he’s got through in his brief Fatboys career so far without conceding a ridiculous free kick.
Steve Spies
A calming presence whose influence when we needed to remain patient cannot be underestimated. Followed that up with a quite spectacular meltdown after he’d been harshly adjudged to have committed a foul in the box.
Rob Lloyd
While his fellow defenders were eager to push up the pitch and show off their attacking prowess, Bert remained steadfast in his defensive duties, which proved to be important.
Dave Linehan
Only became available on the morning of the game, his dedication in getting to Waterhall was rewarded with the opening goal.
Andy Brown
Two goals and two assists for the collection. Handed Stuart the armband in arguably the deepest display of brotherly love he’s ever shown towards his sibling.
Jamie Wilkes-Spies
The View weren’t able to cope with his pace and running as the game wore on. A goal and an assist in a fine morning’s work.
Matt Jasper
Handed his first Fatboys start on the right of the front three. Hardly wasted a pass and his delivery from set pieces was first class throughout.
Jordan Walsh
Jordan was the Fatboys’ hat-trick hero although the official Sussex Sunday League website lists him as only having scored twice, which just goes to highlight the dangers of completing a match return after two bottles of Rioja on a Sunday evening.
Stuart Brown
No doubt this will be a day that Stuart cherishes forever more as he wore the Fatboys captain’s armband for the first time. Two assists were an added bonus.

 

Subs

Jack Lewis
Issued a heartfelt apology before kick off for his antics the last time we saw him in a Fatboys shirt. Seemed to enjoy the extra license he had to get forward when introduced from the bench.
Karel Kutaa
Every Sunday, Karel seems to do something else ridiculous that makes him even more popular with his new teammates. This week, it was tackling Stuart who was clean through on goal to score for himself. An incredible bloke.
Miles Collins
Given an extended run out at right back, he did well during his time on the pitch, linking up with first Jasper and then Russell ahead of him.

 

Goals

22′ Linehan, assist A Brown
23′ Wilkes, assist A Brown
35′ A Brown, assist Jasper
37′ Walsh, assist S Brown
40, Walsh, assist Russell
51′ Walsh, assist Wilkes
71′ Kutaa, assist S Brown

 

Man-of-the-Match

Matt Jasper impressed on the right, Jamie Wilkes-Spies was a driving force in midfield but it goes to the hat-trick hero Jordan Walsh.