Fatboys in traditional curtain opener debacle

The last time Hassocks Fatboys won their first friendly of the season, Rob Lloyd had a full head of hair, Jon Ballantyne owned his own bar and Nick Jones was only 17 years of age. Yes, you have to go back to 2012 to find when this rarest of events – even rarer than Justin Parker buying a round – happened.

The opponents then were The Blades who were vanquished 6-4, the only surviving members of the squad from that halcyon day being the now bald Lloyd, Mark Potter who’s hair hasn’t changed a bit and Scott McCarthy, the less said about his last five years the better.

In truth it was never going to change here against Point to Point despite them being from the division below the Fatboys. They had been in training since June and this was their fourth or fifth friendly. You could tell these were two sides at completely different stages of their pre season schedules, particularly in the first half when the visitors raced into a 4-0 lead. It was obvious Point to Point had been playing together for weeks whereas the Fatboys were bedding in a new central midfield partnership.

Jack Lewis had already impressed his new team mates by appearing in Idlewild on a Saturday night with a back pack a few weeks ago, while former Lithuanian Youth International Arni Kublickas was playing his first game in three years. Theresa May will be disappointed to hear that Brexit does not mean Brexit at the Fatboys, and we are hoping Arni can find time out from tending to his two pet goats to play regularly this season.

Otherwise, it was a familiar looking line up for the Fatboys and a familiar looking start as well as we fell behind inside of 10 minutes. A long ball seemed to catch everyone unawares and despite the best efforts of McCarthy in saving the first effort, the rebound was comfortably struck away.

Teams tend to give fouls away in silly places when they are off the pace and if the opening few paragraphs of this report didn’t get across how off the pace we were, the fact that Point’s next three first half goals came from free kicks should give a strong indication.

The first was a powerful effort that can only be described as a beauty as it nestled directly in the far corner, the second McCarthy got a hand too but couldn’t keep out and the third was frankly a comedy of errors that had no real right to be a goal.

The kick looked to be heading comfortably onto Jason Gander’s head, except Gander didn’t feel the need to tell anyone this. So Chris Britton flicked it backwards over Gander and onto the bar. God clearly had a heavy wager with Victor Chandler on there being an own goal as, clearly dismayed with the woodwork denying Britton, he chose to have the ball rebound into the helpless Daniel Pidgeon and over the line. 

So, 4-0 down inside 45 minutes makes it sound pretty terrible but there were some positives for those of us who have a penchant for picking up straws and clutching them. Peter Martin and Jordan Walsh were linking up well with Walsh having a couple of decent half chances, Andy Brown rattled the woodwork and Ballantyne returned from injury for his first appearance since the opening game of last season. He was straight back into his groove with an own goal attempt and some excellent loose passes.

The second half was a much improved affair, helped by a switch to 4-4-1-1. With Rhyan Thwaites and Rob Lloyd at full back now protected by Britton and Pete Martin out wide, the Fatboys soon pulled one back. This was a classic route one goal which can only be described as classic Fatboys. McCarthy made a smart save and then launched a ball over the top of the cumbersome Point defence which Brown latched onto to score from.

Point restored their four goal advantage almost immediately, a well worked goal for their fifth of the morning and then incredibly went down to 10 men as one of their players began swearing at the referee, including using the term “melt”. It was roundly agreed that we hadn’t heard that particular insult since Year 11 at Oakmeeds, so fair play to the Point player for searching through the decades for a suitable phrase. This was made all the more bizarre by the fact he had definitely given away a foul and the game otherwise had been played in good spirit.

The Fatboys dominated against the 10 men after that despite another Pidgeon own goal attempt that produced a brilliant stop from a full stretch McCarthy. That came after a typically prophetic line from Gander of “I don’t care if we lose the ball playing out from the back, at least we are trying to play.” Needless to say we did lose the ball and Brown cared very much, launching a tirade along the lines of “Stop fucking about with it back there.”

Other positives before the Fatboys second arrived included the return of John Humphrey’s diamond head as he won everything in the air. Even if it wasn’t in the air he went for it as well, resulting in Britton hobbling from play with what looks like it could be a long term injury.

Nick Davie also produced some nice touches, showing that having a girlfriend wasn’t affecting his ability and Sam Lowe looked comfortable in a more advanced wide role than he’d previously occupied since joining towards the end of last season.

The Fatboys rounded off the scoring late on through Martin. Unlike the Fatboys, Martin tends to be on fire in friendlies and then can’t buy a goal for all the money in the Cops and Robbers machine once competitive games begin. His goal here was a neat finish after Brown had played him in but it was too little, too late and another season opens up with an all too predictable defeat.