Preston Dynamos 2-4 Hassocks Fatboys
Soaked to the bone and freezing cold, the first hour of the Hassocks Fatboys v Preston Dynamos double header had been about as much fun as a root canal. The second hour threatened to be worse than colonic irrigation.
Having won the first game 2-0, Duck and Spiesy decided they could not take anymore and legged it to the changing room. That shows you how disgusting conditions were. Too wet for a duck and too gruesome for a 51-year-old man who normally loves football so much that he sometimes plays Saturday afternoon, Sunday morning and Sunday afternoon, concedes 20 goals and gets sent off along the way and still enjoys it.
With an 18 man squad present, Spiesy and Duck were not the only players given a rest for game two. Young Max had ran himself into the ground, Gregggggggggg did not want to ruin his clean sheet bonus and Andy decided to give himself a rest having won the muddiest kit competition from game one.
That left a Fatboys line up which read Matt Perry, Fox, Mike and Dave across the back four. Jack, Wilkesy and Willow were the midfield three with Stuart, Jordan and Karel up top. Scott continued in goal, now wearing two additional layers to try and combat the fact he was beginning to turn blue with cold through underemployment in the first match.
Dynamos seemed determined to make more of an impression than they had during the opening hour of football, which did at least keep Scott busy during the first 30 minutes of game time. He pushed a free kick around the post and then tipped the resulting corner onto the bar.
The goalkeeper also made an excellent one-on-one save but nobody in green reacted quickly enough and the rebound was fired home by the Dynamos striker to make it 1-0. Now we were soaked to the bone, freezing and losing. A grim combination.
Given the conditions, the identity of the Fatboys’ equaliser scorer came as something of a surprise. When former Namibian Under 21 international Karel came to England, many pundits questioned whether he could do it on a cold, wet Sunday morning at Clayton.
The answer to that was a resounding yes. Stuart delivered a pinpoint cross into the box which Karel met with a powerful diving header to make it 1-1. Presuming the 2020-21 campaign gets finished, it was a genuine Goal of the Season contender with shades of Robin van Persie’s header for the Netherlands against Spain at the 2014 World Cup. Want to feel old? Max and Matty P were barely out of the womb when RVP scored that one.
Five minutes before half time in the second game and the Fatboys took the lead. Willow and Jordan had obviously put their time on the bench (sat in their car) during the first match to good use as telepathic link up play saw Willow play a nice pass to his friend who finished with aplomb.
Further changes arrived at the interval. Andy took over from Jack in midfield and Dave was withdrawn after his best 90 minutes for some time. On came Bally at left back for his first run out since September. Scott meanwhile had added a fifth layer to his outfit when Spiesy lent him a Spiesy-sized blue fleece which was so big on the goalkeeper that he now looked like he was wearing a wind sock.
As the second half wore on, it became increasingly clear neither side wanted to be playing anymore. Both sets of substitutes and management were now sheltering in front of the changing rooms, which led to farcical scenes whenever someone on the pitch decided they wanted to come off and there was nobody ready or willing to replace them.
It stayed 2-1 until 10 minutes before the end when the Fatboys added a third, sapping from Dynamos the little remaining enthusiasm they had. Willow thought he had scored the goal with a crashing effort from a corner which beat the opposition defenders and goalkeeper who were blocking the path to goal.
Willow’s shot did not manage to elude Stuart though, who sprinted forward to claim the final touch when the ball was basically on the line. If Karel’s goal was Van Persie v Spain, then this was David Nugent against Andorra in 2007.
Fox was so disgusted by Stuart’s behaviour that he hauled himself off with a ‘hamstring’ problem which meant Jack re-entering the game and his first contribution was to spend five minutes laying on the ground with cramp.
“Does anybody want to help him?” asked the referee and the very simple answer to that was no, we just wanted to go home; everyone except for Andy that is, who was on a one-man mission to give away as many fouls as possible with some outstanding illegal tackles which eventually led to a spot of handbags.
The pitch by now resembled something from the Battle of the Somme and yet the Fatboys managed to add a fourth when some surprisingly nice football saw Jordan tee up Andy to finish, who moved onto 97 goals in green in the process.
Dynamos pulled one back to make it 4-2 but even cutting the deficit could not inspire either team to try and make a grandstand finish out of proceedings.
Still, there was a glorious chance for Andy to add his 98th goal in Fatboys colours from the penalty spot in the final seconds but his effort was kept out by an excellent stop from the Dynamos goalkeeper.
That made it four Fatboys penalty misses in the space of one week after Duck, Stuart and Max failed to score in last Sunday’s George Milyard Cup shootout exit to BN Dons, a stunning achievement from all concerned.
Hassocks Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
Pulled off a couple of important saves in the first half. Was taken to hospital afterwards with frostbite.
Matt Perry
One of his best performances in a Fatboys shirt so far. Did not put a foot wrong at right back.
Mike McDonald
Carried on his outstanding form from the first game by keeping the dangerous Dynamos centre forward quiet again in the second match.
Oli Cleland
Formed a promising partnership with Mike at the back. A few well-time slide challenges before his hamstring refused to play any further part after being disgusted by Stuart’s goal stealing.
Dave Linehan
A revelation at left back over the 90 minutes that he played on the day. Would probably have taken the Man-of-the-Match honours again had he played the entire second game.
Jack Lewis
Was not impressed when nobody came to the aid of his cramp-stricken leg in the second half. Had a lovely time flying around in the mud before that.
Jamie Wilkes
Described the second game as more fun than playing away at Eastbourne United the previous day. Hassocks’ afternoon at the Oval must have been bad.
Adam Williams
Saw lots of the ball and made things happen – especially for Stuart ‘Goal Thief’ Brown. Enjoyed Andy missing the penalty which he had wanted to take.
Stuart Brown
His cross for Karel’s header was a lovely delivery. “I need a goal Willow, I’m desperate,” was his excuse for the scandal surrounding the third goal.
Jordan Walsh
A lovely finish gave him him his goal and he claimed a fine assist to tee up Andy. Caused real problems for the Dynamos defence with his bustling style.
Karel Kutaa
You will not see a better headed goal than his first half effort. A remarkable finish from a bloke who missed 74 free headers in one half of football during the pre-season game against Ansty Sports & Social.
Subs
Jon Ballantyne
Reminded everyone of his talents as a linesman before putting in a shift at left back. Had a few forays forward which caused excitement/concern in equal measure.
Andy Brown
Came on early in the second half and managed to score, miss a penalty and nearly get in a fight in that time.
Sussex Sunday League Premier Division
Sunday 13th December 2020
Clayton Green
Goals
Karel Kutaa (17′)
Assist Stuart Brown
Jordan Walsh (24′)
Assist Adam Williams
Stuart Brown (50′)
Assist Adam Williams
Andy Brown (53′)
Assist Jordan Walsh
Man-of-the-Match
Adam Williams can have it as a means of making up for Stuart’s scandalous goal stealing antics
Previous Matches
13/12/20: Fatboys 2-0 Preston Dynamos
05/01/20: Fatboys 5-4 Preston Dynamos
13/10/19: Preston Dynamos 2-3 Fatboys
22/09/19: Fatboys 4-3 Preston Dynamos
02/10/16: Preston Dynamos 4-1 Fatboys II
09/11/14: Fatboys 3-5 Preston Dynamos
31/08/14: Preston Dynamos 3-5 Fatboys
30/03/14: Preston Dynamos 3-2 Fatboys
29/09/13: Fatboys 6-4 Preston Dynamos