Late heartbreak as Fatboys share the spoils

New season, new Hassocks Fatboys. After the thrills and spills of securing Premier Division survival on the last day of the season, scoring 51 goals and conceding 83 in 18 games along the way, the Fatboys opened their 2017-18 campaign with a relatively normal 1-1 draw against Queens Park.

This was a far cry from a year ago when we made our top flight debut against the same opponents. That ended in a 7-1 defeat which spelled not so much T-RO-U-B-L-E as W-E-A-R-E-I-N-T-H-E-S-H-I-T. A haul of 10 points from a possible last 15 secured the greatest of Great Escapes and that confidence has carried into this season to the point where this was nearly another famous victory.

For 91 minutes the Fatboys defence held firm, as resilient to waves of Queens Park attacks as Kim Jung-un is to UN Sanctions about his nuclear weapons programme. That resistance was broken by a quite brilliant finish from xxx with just 120 seconds left.

There didn’t look to be any danger on as Sam Holman held up Steve Frimpon out wide but the striker defied the geometry laws we all know and cherish by hitting a low effort into the bottom corner from a ridiculously tight angle to salvage a point for Park.

A draw was probably a fair result in the end but that couldn’t stop it feeling like a loss at the final whistle. There were plenty of ‘what ifs’ after – what if Andy Brown had been fit to play? What if the excellent Jack Lewis and Gary Whittington hadn’t have been forced off with injury? What if we hadn’t had five minutes added on time due to a helicopter landing on the pitch with 15 left to play?

That was one of the more surreal things to happen in a Fatboys game – and there is plenty of competition for that – but even more surreal was a defensive display that until that late sucker punch looked like grinding out a rare clean sheet.

“Chaos and confusion” is Jason Gander’s favourite phrase for describing what normally goes on in the first third of the field but there was none of that here, the stand in captain in Brown’s absence having a superb game along with Whittington, Jon Ballantyne, Rob Lloyd and substitutes Daniel Pidgeon and Michael Russell.

It was a pretty dull opening 20 minutes with both teams content to knock the ball around but neither really doing much with it. That gave those on the sidelines the chance to admire the high quality bacon sandwiches that are anyways on offer at East Brighton Park before the first chance fell the way of the home side with Gander producing a brilliant block from a shot and then Scott McCarthy pulling off an equally good save from the rebound.

Ballantyne has a remarkable record of scoring own goals on the opening day of the season, with two in three years prior to this. It nearly happened again when a dangerous ball across goal found the full back at the far post and his attempts to volley behind only succeeded in slicing it inches away from the goal.

In Ballantyne’s defence, he had taken one in the bollocks shortly before which he described as “dislodging a tube.” With some spare time on my hands today, I decided to Google “my bollock tube feels like it is dislodged”.

Unfortunately, this did not throw up any medical solutions to Bally’s potential issue, but I did come across a wonderful story on a forum about a man who had his testicle swallowed whole by a woman during oral sex. If you are reading this Bally, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. 

The Fatboys goal was a wonderful piece of counter attacking football that arrived just before the half hour mark. A quick flowing move went through Lewis, Holman, Joe Brockes and Dave Linehan who played a perfect through ball which Jordan Walsh latched onto and hit a stunning effort that curled over the advancing keeper and into the top corner.

Walsh took advantage of what can only be described as McCarthy’s total intoxication on last Sunday’s pub crawl to bet that if he scored 15 goals this season, McCarthy would have to get “Jordan Walsh” tattooed on himself. Walsh celebrated this first of the season by shouting “14 LEFT TO GO SCOTT” to the player manager, who is expecting to have to overcome his mild fear of needles before mid November at this rate.

There was a chance to double the lead just before half time when a corner was half cleared to Lewis on the edge of the box. He sent a volley wide to Linehan who collected and hit a dipping shot goalwards which the keeper did brilliantly to tip over.

The second half followed much the same pattern of the first with Park dominating but unable to find a way through. They looked to have decided that their best chance of creating an opportunity was by going wide and peppering the box with crosses. McCarthy, clearly taking inspiration from Lewis’ heroics in the Font last Sunday, was punching everything away.

This wasn’t without its dangers as Whittington found to cost when the goalkeeper clocked him in the back of the head and he was forced off with concussion. Even on the rare occasions Gaz’s body doesn’t let him down, his team mates will find a way to ensure he is unable to complete 90 minutes and remains a burden to the NHS.

A raft of changes had preceded that with Russell, Pidgeon, Ananda Hoque and Sam Lowe all entering proceedings and it was against the run of play that the Fatboys put the ball in the net for the second time.

Lowe sent in a whipped free kick from the left and a melee in the goal ensured with the ball eventually being caught by Chris Britton, dropped at his feet and then volleyed in. Referee Paul Rowland quite rightly disallowed it for handball, much to Britton’s disgust. Its a concern that a qualified referee such as Britton doesn’t seem to know you can’t use your hands, not to mention the two foul throws he managed to take over the course of the 90.

That disallowed goal seemed to spur the Fatboys on and Brockes nearly marked his first competitive action in 18 months with a goal, firstly seeing a shot well blocked by the goalkeeper who also recovered to knock the follow up around the post.

There were seven minutes to go when the air ambulance turned up and the game was halted. Given that we’ve been horrifically distracted by a dog on the pitch before, let alone a bloody great helicopter, this surprisingly did not lead to a drop in concentration. Instead, it was the loss of Lewis about a minute later after he slide tackled himself which was the bigger blow.

With Queens Park pushing further and further up the field, Holman became a fifth centre back but not even that could prevent Frimpon’s excellent finish.

The hosts seemed content to settle for a draw and it was the Fatboys who had the last chance of the game after Britton got him in but his low effort past the keeper trickled just wide of the post, which at least meant McCarthy wasn’t one goal closer to this inevitable tattoo – a small consolation although the Fatboys shouldn’t lose sight of this as a good point with which to start a campaign that promises much.