“Through in the cup and promoted into Division 3 after one game”

After a solid start to the league campaign last week, Fatboys Reserves were primed and ready for County Trophy action against AFC Goring Reserves. A deliciously appetising squad of 16 were, in true Village People style, up early to Go West for the first away tie of the season.

As always, many questions loomed large among the ranks with Unwell Alfie Southwell hokey-cokeying himself in and out of the squad in the same manner he had been hokey-cokeying in Hackney Wick the night before.

Ultimately, he not only made it to Pond Lane, but it was soon apparent that he was in a significantly better place than Bally, who had yet to technically stop being out for the night.

For context, the last time Bally was in this state, he was violently ill in the warmup before he loosely contributed to an 11-4 loss at the hands of Emerald. With 15 others to choose from, the natural and obvious choice was to start Bally at left back.

This week offered great promise. Generously wide parking spaces, changing rooms with running water and a postcode that took you to a cemetery 1.7 miles away from the recreation ground.

As was the case last week, the elusive Homme D’Argus had been rumoured to have been blending into the surroundings – today’s choice supposedly pretending to be an Under 11 scout for Portsmouth on the adjacent children’s pitch.

Fatboys had made some changes to the side since the previous week with Louis Pople, Paz and Justin Parker coming in alongside the return of Hurstpierpoint’s favourite son Sam Hayter (Where has Messer gone? Does anyone know?).

The glacé cherry upon the Fatboys Sunday(e) was the return of the commanding drill sergeant Nick Davie, who had managed to peel himself away from trying to convince the local youths to bring back MSN messenger to lead the side from the touchline.

The green kit had been donated to the fronts for its potential last outing, leaving a tide of misery to wash over the side as they painted on their blue jerseys and took to the Pond Lane Rec pitch in a traditional 4-4-2.

The pitch itself was in reasonable nick and impressively only had one piece of dogshit on it. A first victory of the day for all in attendance.

Jones retained his spot in sticks having promised to bring his hands and feet this week, the back four comprised of Bally, Linehan, Paz and upstanding member of the community Ryan John.

In front of them sat another bank of four including Wickwar, Hayter, Greenock-Moreton and Blakey. The staring XI was spearheaded by the dynamic duo of Spies and Pople.

The game got underway, with the opposition kicking proceedings off. Interestingly, today marked the first ever game in which an Pendle Vortex 2.0 match ball was used.

It was an even affair for the opening five minutes, the closest opportunity going to the hosts as skipper Paz’s unpressured defensive header flew just awry of the top corner of his own net.

From this followed a subsequent deluge of corners for the hosts who failed to convert and the blues cleared at the fourth time of asking much to their own relief.

Purple patch weathered, Fatboys began to get up to a better pace and the balls in behind proved effective. Hayter was unleashed down the left. He squared the ball to Spies who, from four yards out, took three touches before tackling the ball in off of the defender in trademark style to make it 1-0 to the visitors.

To this point it had been a lot of huff and very little puff from the travelling side with some highly questionable decisions all over the field.

Bally attempting to play a 50 yard switch to a marked Dave Linehan, John making a tackle Vinnie Jones would’ve been proud of to stop a counter attack, and the front line struggling to kick the ball in a way that would trouble the opposing stopper.

It would not be long before we had the ball in the net again as Wickwar slotted neatly past the keeper but Spies was ruled offside for the preceding flick on.

The half didn’t offer a lot more other than much of the same. Fatboys would find themselves in the final 18 yards multiple times but opted to tickle the ball or simply give it back when at times it would’ve been harder to do so than to score.

This perfect recipe of good build up and awful finishing would keep the game alive. Not content with this level of openness in the game, Blakey opted to use a naughty word when speaking to the match official which earned him 10 in the pen of sinful and mischievous behaviour.

In fairness, he had been sandwiched like ND under the workers of the night in Hamburg’s Reeperbahn the weekend before. Or was that other wrestling fans? Who knows!

The half fizzled to a conclusion at 1-0. The general consensus was one of agreement in that we weren’t playing well and still felt like we should have been further ahead. Bally was withdrawn and Parker came on in his stead.

Heads back in the game, there was still time for the most important discussion of half time as a parent from the other pitch whom it was assumed was a relative of a player listening to the half time feedback interjected to ask if anyone had blocked him in. Shame on you, Mid Sussex Roofers.

The action got back underway and seemingly Fatboys had sorted themselves out after the break, with the exception of Ryan John who decided it be better he was nutmegged than to wipe out the opposing forward.

It was not long until Fatboys bared their teeth with Moreton still working like a thoroughbred in the middle, allowing the frontline to get involved in some goal action.

Hayter was the outlet but this was clearly too much for Wickwar on the right who, broke free with three to aim at in the middle before smashing his cross into the bus shelter over the road.

Such was the quality of the cross that the manager had seen enough of himself and immediately walked off the pitch instructing Alfie Unwell that now was his time.

Alfie was straight into action. Demanding ball to feet and becoming… displeased when he was asked to go into channel. He did not go into channel.

Five minutes in and Fatboys were gifted a chance to deliver a free kick from 30 yards into the box. Up went the big men, Moreton had a look and decided it was better to shoot and his effort sailed past the hapless stopper and into the top right angle of the goal frame to double the lead. 2-0.

Confidence went from strength to strength and it was time to unleash the English Rose Enty. He was straight into the thick of it as he released Hayter down the left after a dreamy Cruyff Turn. Sam did indeed get his just desserts after many an opportunity, grabbing a third with a deft finish. 3-0.

Enty soon became further accustomed to the pace of the game, getting on warmly with the opposing non-haired player and going as far as to attempt cup and caress each others faces with their hands. A yellow a-piece duly awarded by the official in his Lionel Messi boots.

Twas all Fatboys at this point and even Pople got in on the action. Southwell finally got the ball to feet, beat his man and delivered deliciously to the middle where Pops nurdled into the net.

4-0 swiftly became 4-1 with the visitors getting way ahead of themselves and the home side taking full advantage on the counter before the midfielder unleashed a piledriver into the far left bottom corner, leaving Jones stranded and unable to do anything other than watch.

Unphased by such pristine technique as pure as that arrow which had just gone underwhelmingly celebrated by AFC Goring, we were straight back on it like the Haywards Heath contingent with a turbo shandy

The marionette Josh Evetts was introduced to the fray. Visibly furious with conceding, an animated Sam Hayter shifted up yet another gear (he must have thought he was in his beautiful Mazda convertible, whizzing across the tarmac of the southern Alps), linking well with Pople and Blakey to notch his second of the game.

Having seen enough from the confines of his bib, Erling (ailing?)Spies announced “I want to score.” Spiesy was channelling his inner hulk having been mesmerised by the big reveal of today’s man of the match prize and it did not take long for that determination to have an impact.

Spies on, Pople off, big handball, penalty – in that order. Ludicrous and upsetting, ugly scenes followed with far-fetched cries of “Give it to Davie” soon shot down.

Spies grabbed the Pendle ball he had struggled so much to kick properly for the previous 70 minutes and opted to smash it as hard as he could, breaking physics as he hit the underside of the square scaffold goal frame.

This caused the ball to bounce into the goalkeeper who just so happened to himself be completely over the line already, meaning that it was a classic Spies goal… just like the one he scored earlier that morning.

Not much time had passed when Southwell received the second ball to his feet, crossing to Hayter who forced the keeper into action. Holding midfield tank phenom Evetts was on hand to dispatch the loose ball and make it 7-1 with 10 minutes left on the clock.

Game done and dusted, the Fatboys cantered to an end, deciding to be kind enough to be crap at defending one more time and let the home side forward have a goal to go home and tell his family about and blame the rest of the team for their defeat.

With this victory, the reserves had not only progressed to the next round of the Sussex Trophy but seemingly also won Division Four, earned promotion to Division Three and will now play in the fourth tier of the Sussex Sunday Leagye pyramid for the remainder of the season. Well played all.

Man of the match was given to Taylor Moreton who was gifted the #306 Incredible Hulk comic which has some great pictures to look at.