“Reserves start season with a win for the third time this season”

They say that nothing is guaranteed in life and certainly not in football. Where that saying is relevant for Fatboys Reserves is a list that has considerable length.

Availability, performance, mental stability, which division we will be in this week – none of these are a given. That being said, there are always a couple of bankers; another first league game of the season at the third attempt, victimisation of the deputy vice assistant manager and entertainment. Oh and an inability to put up adult nets AGAIN.

Today’s game saw the second string hosting league longevity in the form of The View FC. A side with a great badge not matched by their league position.

Fatboys also had the wind in their sails with the additions of some premium quality players – Durner (we’ve had to change some names due to football political equivalent of the witness protection program), Jordan Walsh and Scottish workhorse Taylor Moreton all coming in to bolster the ranks. Dan Jacques also featured intermittently.

The men knew they had to provide something special to impress the infamous 100 eyed giant who would surely be watching in the wings/bushes/his notorious Citroen Saxo.

Promises of a delightful new kit continued to be put on the back burner as it seemed that acquiring white socks was as challenging as the time Davie had to explain to Walshy why he had a pair of Jordan’s Mrs’ underwear or a Scott McCarthy penalty.

The Fatboys lined up with strength in the ranks and with the heartache of the previous weeks’ penalty humdinger out of their mind they set to task. Three points on offer, many points to prove.

The side lined up in a traditional Cuatro Cuatro Dos formaćion. Dan Jee returning to replace Jones in goal, Parker and Jacques at right and left back respectively with Durner and Walsh at CB.

Many eyebrows were raised about the centre back pairing and questions were asked if they could stop giggling at one another to concentrate on any part of the game.

The next bank of four comprised of fan favourite and touring car fanatic Sam Hayter, the ever anguished Josh Evetts, Moreton and Blakey.

Evetts had let slip just before kick off that he had not played the day before as he thought he had pulled his hamstring in the warmup. 16 hours rest would surely do the job. When quizzed on the location of a hamstring, he pointed to the laces on his boots and shrugged.

The 11 was completed with a dynamic duo who would put Batman and Robin to shame (The Del/Rodney version perhaps) Pople and Spies led the line- two evergreen gladiators stepping into the Green Colosseum.

Spies himself sporting a war wound from his baseball cap the day before. Other notable mention – the pitch was in lovely nick once more.

Peep went the whistle of the silver referee and play was underway. It became immediately clear the quality among the side in blue as they put their foot on the game and were playing deliciously from front to back.

An unusually quick start saw Fatboys storm into the lead. Hayter picked up the loose ball from a poor clearance at a corner and jinked to the left of the box before hitting an absolute pisswhistler into the far corner. Watch it on X (that’s what Twitter is called now you chumps) – it’s very good. 1-0 and looking damn fine.

It wasn’t long until the lead would surely be doubled. Durner launched a scud missile into the box, Walsh flicked on and Popey connected from 4 yards. Over the bar. Flag raised. Blushes spared.

Shortly after however pressure would be rewarded. Taylor Greenock linking well with Hayter who in turn fed the near post and a stampeding Popeye tapped into the goal from close range.

Great managerial advice gaining the true assist- ‘Reece, near post’ the shout from Poppy to the sideline. 2-0 and not much in the way of a sign of The View getting back into the game.

HOWEVER soon the deficit of which the visitors trailed would be halved. A long delivery into the box was hailed as ‘KEEPERS’ by an onrushing Jee, who proved he had the same genes (little View joke for the indie fans there) as Fatboys keepers of the past.

Jee mistimed and the forward nicked the ball first before knocking into an empty net. Some say you can still hear echoes of Jee’s shout bouncing around the hollows of Clayton Woods alongside the giggles of his friends upon the sidelines. “That’s Jee,” they said with pride.

One misfortune brought another. Evetts hamstring soon decided it hadn’t actually healed and shortly he departed for debutant Marty Coghlan who sported his well-received headband.

“He can’t be wearing that – he hasn’t even got long hair for fuck sake” commented a spectator – the locals of Hassocks still yet to understand the modern ways of the world.

Things on the pitch however were moving forwards well with the exception of Jacques’ attempts to switch the ball with his left foot. With this, he was sent to centre midfield to change to a 4-3-3 and Coggers slotted in on his preferred left. Jacques then got just megged for the second time in quick succession.

The View fancying their chances of getting back into the game was becoming increasingly apparent. A disruption was needed, a whistle was blown, dogshit to the rescue. Half time followed at the perfect time.

The View started fresh and fighting after the break. Jee doing well to claw out an effort low down to keep the lead in tact. Either side of that were good passages of play from back to front.

Turner taking every set piece he could get his hands on, Blake and Moreton holding good shape in the middle, Grandad and Pops harassing the backline with Parker and Coghlan standing firm and steady at either side of the pitch, it began to seem a matter of ‘when’ rather than ‘if’ the home side would secure a third.

Surely enough, Pople picked up the ball on the width, crossing teasingly to the red-hot Hayter who plonked his noggin on the sweet polyester of the ball with a diving header to steer in his second of the game. 3-1. Jovial scenes.

With Pople getting his third goal contribution of the game, it was only natural he be hooked immediately. Wickwar entered the fray.

Three soon became four. Another great ball in was spurned by Blakey who then poked home the rebound (the goal was much better than this but where’s the fun in that?). Either four on the board, Davie and Popple came back into the fold – Hayter and Spies departing.

Imagine the delight on Davie’s face as the keeper was nowhere to be seen, open goal, 18 yards out, ball on a plate. He went to strike when Pople pulled out his Facundo Sava villain mask and stole his big moment by thieving the ball callously and shooting blindly with his back to goal.

Davie took it as well as Louis had taken the shot. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ He asked. Twice. The response – a smile that wouldn’t be out of place moments before 10 beats of a drum and a cut to an aerial shot of the river Thames.

There was still time for more fortune however. A corner delivered from the right, Wickwar threw himself onto the ground before getting up and stabbing home an effort from a Jacques header to make it five.

Wickwar’s childhood babysitter Jacques thrilled to bits with his assist. Thanks Uncle Dan – I’ve still not told anyone.

With that, the game fizzled out and three well earned points saw the Reserves start the season with a win for the third time this season. What a ridiculous sentence.

The real fun however was yet to come. New T-shirts were dished out and Coghlan managed to lose his phone by putting it in Blake’s bag and having a mild panic for 20 or so minutes.