Reserves ravaged in final friendly

Last year, Hassocks Fatboys Reserves took on Scaynes Hill Reserves in pre season and ran out 5-2 winners. A nice, gentle evening at Scaynes Hill Rec then for the last friendly before the proper season kicked off in four days time. Or so we thought.

Alarm bells immediately began ringing when we noticed that the average age of the side seemed to have dropped by about 30 years. Gone were the Peter Bonetti look-a-like goalkeeper and a centre forward who was Bruce Forsyth’s best mate in primary school and in their place were a team of young, fit and quick players. Essentially, everything the reserves are not. 

The result was a slightly embarrassing 9-1 defeat although there were mitigating factors. With Jon Kelly, Bruce Bignell, Ross Joannides, Tom Pinnock, Reece Wickwar and Mark Potter all out, the entire spine of the team was missing. Kane Wright and Daniel Lawrence were playing their first games of the season. And manager Jamie Stratton made the bold choice to field a 4-4-2 formation over his favoured 4-3-3.

Stratton once said, “There is only one thing I hate more in the world than when Steph makes me get my annual hair cut, and that is 4-4-2.” His dislike for the system is unlikely to be tempered after this display, despite the Fatboys taking the lead early on. 

It would be easy to describe the goal as a classic bit of counter attacking football in which the Fatboys swept forward at pace. In reality, the Hill keeper shanked a kick to Wright who sent it straight back down the middle. Simon O’Brien was lurking like a stalker in Louissa Lytton’s bushes and he latched onto the ball and provided a neat finish to continue his remarkable pre season form. 

Hill had chances after that with Scott McCarthy punching away a few crosses and making one fine save at full stretch through a crowd of players. McCarthy was deputising for Nick Jones, who’s whereabouts remain unknown. The popular goalkeeper has not been seen since the first few weeks of training, with rumours abounding that Stratton has put him on gardening leave after a falling out over the decision to hand the captains armband to Wickwar for this season. A spokesman for a local gardening firm refused to confirm if Jones was now working for them, only saying that they had a new 22-year-old employee who kept dropping the shears and let a hedge grow over the top of him.

Defending the mountainous slope on a slick pitch against a quick front line looked treacherous and so it proved as the hosts quickly turned 0-1 into 3-1. The first goal saw the defence push up for a ball they were unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which Hill ruthlessly exploited for 1-1 . The second goal arrived a matter of minutes later as the defence pushed up for a ball they were unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which Hill ruthlessly exploited for 2-1. 

Lawrence nearly marked his return with what would have been a quite brilliant own goal, a cross coming in which he was a hairs breadth away from nodding past McCarthy. Thankfully, he has no hair and his huge scream of “NOOOOOOOOOOO” to McCarthy’s away call was an extremely sensible course of action

Just before the half hour mark the Fatboys defence pushed up for a ball they were unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which Hill ruthlessly exploited for 3-1. It became 4-1 before the break when the Fatboys defence pushed up for a ball they were unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which Hill ruthlessly exploited.

If that makes it sound all one way traffic, well it wasn’t quite. Jake Graham and debutant Josh Westover looked good on the flanks with Pete West and Kevin Ticehurst showing remarkable fitness levels to get forward in support. There were a couple of chances for O’Brien and Chris Clayton wasn’t far away with an effort from an inch perfect free kick.

4-4-2 was unceremoniously dropped at half time in favour of a return to 4-3-3 as Stratton rang the changes, introducing Kenny Tinnion and Jules Clay to proceedings. Russell Jebbitt was tasked with an unusual right back role. That meant West moving into his favoured centre half position which he did with a smile on his face and joy in his heart before immediately declaring himself unavailable for Sunday if he had to play centre back.

The Fatboys were hopeful that the formation change coupled with having Mount Scaynes in their favour would yield a better second half, but the hosts picked up exactly where they left off to make it 5-1, the Fatboys defence pushing up for a ball they were unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which Hill ruthlessly exploited.

The sixth arrived as the Fatboys defence pushed up for a ball they were unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which Hill ruthlessly exploited and then came the seventh as the defence pushed up for a ball they were unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which Hill ruthlessly exploited.

Stratton then decided it was time to call upon first teamer Chris Britton, throwing him on up front with the instruction of “No pressure Chris, but we need six goals.” Remarkably, Britton had three chances inside his first 10 minutes on the pitch. One went wide, one went over and one saw him fall over his own leg when one-on-one and scuff the ball wide.

Belatedly, the Fatboys looked like something of an attacking force with Graham not far away with a testing shot from distance, Tinnion going close and Jebbitt drawing a fine double stop from the Hill keeper. Going on the attack in such numbers was obviously likely to leave even bigger holes at the back than there had been in the first hour and that was inevitably how Hill got their eighth, the Fatboys defence pushing up for a ball they were unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which Hill ruthlessly exploited for 8-1.

They rounded off the scoring late on with goal number nine, the Fatboys defence pushing up for a ball they were unli….no, hang on a minute. This one was actually a stunning own goal from Wright as he attempted to acrobatically volley a cross to the far post away from goal, only to succeed in sending it in the complete opposite direction and into the top corner.

That at least provided some light relief for the Fatboys, as does the knowledge that they won’t face many sides that good this season and if they do, at least Stratton will be able to unleash his fabled anti-football tactics rather than 4-4-2.

There was further disappointment in Wetherspoons Burgess Hill post game with the revelation that, despite Wednesday being chicken night, they had in fact run out of chicken. This was considered even more of a disaster than when your defence pushes up for a ball they are unlikely to win, leaving a huge gap which the opposition ruthlessly exploit.