Hassocks Fatboys kick off their pre-season friendly schedule this evening by taking on Mid Sussex League side Burgess Hill Rhinos.

For most sides, getting back to playing football after a long summer would be a reason for celebration. But not Hassocks Fatboys. The Fatboys are notoriously shit whenever they don’t play for three weeks, let alone three months.

Only once in first team history have the Fatboys won their first game of pre-season. You have to go back to 2012 to find it, a 6-4 win over The Blades a whole six years ago.

Recent opening game of the season highlights include a year ago when we were 4-0 down inside of 20 minutes against Point to Point from a division below. In 2016, it was a 1-0 defeat to Sussex Coast from a division below. In 2013, Coast were again the tormentors, storming into a 4-1 lead within half an hour, eventually winning 5-4. For good measure, Dave Standing was sent off for the Fatboys.

2014 saw a 4-4 draw with Ansty Sports and Social Club and 2015 was an 8-4 defeat to FC Deportivo. Even a draw against the Rhinos will be seen as a huge positive in the Fatboys camp given that terrible record.

The Rhinos spent last season in Division Four of the Mid Sussex League, finishing in a credible third position. They lifted the Somerville Cup with a 2-1 victory in the final over Forest Row Reserves thanks to a dramatic 90th minute winner. This will be the first ever meeting between the two sides.

Why they are named the Rhinos, nobody knows. Nick Davie once thought he saw a rhino in Burgess Hill, but it just turned out to be a girl he’d pulled in Pulse.

The Fatboys take a relatively strong squad into the encounter although it is a long way short of the 40 players the club had available for Sunday’s Louisa Lytton 11-a-side tournament. There are several notable returns, with 2014-15 Player’s Player of the Season Dave Keane set to make his first appearance for the club since 2016.

Daryl McLean is also back having not played for two seasons and there will be a debut for “Ryan’s mate”. Rhyan Thwaites will be awarded for winning the Louisa Lytton Player of the Tournament and Golden Boot award for a string of superlative performances in attack by starting the game at right back.

There is a strong chance that Stuart Brown may have to play at full back at some point over the 90 minutes. NASA have therefore issued a Falling Space Debris Warning for the next 48 hours due to the high probability that the toys Stuart launches from his pram could reenter the Earth’s atmosphere at some point.

Kick off is set for around 6.45pm at Seven Acre Field, Ardingly.

Squad: Scott McCarthy, Rhyan Thwaites, Daniel Pidgeon, Jason Gander, Gary Whittington, Andy Brown, Stuart Brown, Jack Lewis, Dave Linehan, Reece Wickwar, Ryan John, Ryan’s Mate, Jordan Walsh, Joe Brockes, Dave Keane, Daryl McLean.