Hassocks Fatboys 0-6 Preston Brewery Tap

 

Just in case anybody needed reminding about why Hassocks Fatboys have been relegated to Division One for the coming season, this was it.

The side that have taken their place in the top flight are Preston Brewery Tap. The two sides met in what will probably be the Fatboys final game of pre-season given that nobody seems keen to play next weekend and it was a chastening experience for the men in green as they were hammered 6-0.

There were three goals in either half for the Brewery Tap and they knocked the ball around like a side who will do well in the top flight this season, presuming they don’t end up losing their minds which looked very much on the cards when they failed to break down a resolute Fatboys defence for the opening 30 minutes.

The back four of Rhyan Thwaites, Jason Gander, Gary Whittington and Rob Lloyd defended stoutly, restricting the Brewery Tap to crosses into the box which they weren’t able to do much with.

This solid showing was being played out with effectively 10 men as Dan Jacques was the victim of a shocking tackle with the game just minutes in. Clearly, the Brewery Tap midfielder did not have a grasp of what the basic English word “friendly” meant as he put a two footed sliding tackle in on Jacques that left stud marks every bit as ugly as the midfielders infamous shamrock tattoo.

Jacques battled on gamely to half time while Jack Lewis and Andy Brown buzzed around him. They saw little of the ball however and that made for a frustrating first half for the Fatboys front thee of Stuart Brown, Dave Linehan and Chris Britton who were more underemployed than a condom machine in the Vatican. Jordan Walsh had picked a good week to turn up 30 minutes after kick off.

As already noted, Brewery Tap were growing increasingly frustrated with each other before they were gifted the lead with half an hour played. There seemed to be little danger as the striker was heading out of play with the ball until Whittington came flying in from nowhere with a slide tackle from behind that was the most stonewall penalty you’ll ever see.

Whittington turned to Gander and poignantly said “I don’t know what I was thinking there.” His moment of madness didn’t just cost a penalty either but yet another injury, which forced his withdrawal at the interval. Just as well we’ve got that extra £350m a week to fund the NHS with Gaz back on the treatment table.

Before Whittington exited proceedings, there was still time for the Fatboys to concede another two goals. Brewery Tap were incensed to be given a throw in rather than a corner and their anger towards the officials couldn’t be placated by Jacques saying, “You’ll be better off with a throw, you’ll have more chance of scoring.”

Lo and behold, they took the throw and crossed the ball in where an outrageous first touch from the ratty wideman was followed by a delightful floated finish over the top of Scott McCarthy. McCarthy was then beaten again when a cross flew over his head to cap a miserable return in the goalkeepers first game back since his head trauma of 11 days previously.

Half time saw Jacques and Whittington depart for the treatment room with Jon Ballantyne on at centre back and Walsh up top. Linehan dropped into midfield, where he at least saw more of the ball.

Brewery Tap added three more unanswered goals in that second 45 minutes as the Fatboys tired and appeared to give up slightly. This was epitomised by Stuart Brown spending most of the second half talking with the man who was supposed to be marking him about how McCarthy looks like one of the contestants from Love Island, which is apparently some sort of reality television show.

The Fatboys enthusiasm was certainly dented when one Brewery Tap midfielder spat at captain Andy Brown midway through the second half. Apparently, our opponents deemed this acceptable because it “only” landed on the Fatboys captains boot, which was an interesting take on some pretty vulgar behaviour.

That understandably sparked a mini melee with one Brewery Tap player threatening to kill Lewis. When asked if he was some sort of gangster, he then claimed to have killed at least two people in the past. If there are any cold case murders that Sussex Police are considering reopening, then Preston Park on a Sunday morning in September once the season starts might be a good place to start. Unless of course the player was talking shit, which seems extremely likely.

The Fatboys did belatedly manage a shot on goal late on, the Brewery Tap goalkeeper pulling off what was actually an excellent save from Walsh, diving full length across his goal to tip a powerful effort around the post. That was about as good as it got however on a day that simply reasserted this seasons stated mission of don’t win promotion.
 

FATBOYS 4-3-3

Scott McCarthy
Made one good first half save but should’ve done better with the third goal in particular. A disappointing morning on his return.
Rhyan Thwaites
His cavalier style of play from right back was largely restricted by having to do so much defending. Put in some strong challenges against a tricky winger.
Jason Gander
Put in some good blocks but it wasn’t a good day for defending. Told the troops afterwards, “There’s not bad results in friendlies…unless you lose 6-0, so that was a bad result.”
Gary Whittington
An interesting first half. He was going alright until that moment of madness that led to the penalty and then hobbled around for the next 15 minutes before succumbing to injury.
Rob Lloyd
Continues to impress following his elevation to the first team. He had the ratty little winger to deal with and did so extremely amicably.
Dan Jacques
First appearance of the season and given that horror tackle two minutes in, we probably won’t be seeing him again for some time. Great chat in predicting that Brewery Tap would score from a throw in.
Jack Lewis
Snapped at peoples heels and received his first death threat of the season from an opposition player who actually claimed to have killed two people. An interesting revelation.
Andy Brown
The Fatboys biggest threat, as shown by the fact that the opposition resorted to spitting at him. One of the few that never gave up.
Dave Linehan
Struggled to get into the game when up top due to a lack of service. Did some more good things when dropped into midfield for the second half.
Stuart Brown
Walsh not turning up until midway through the first half meant he was asked to play through the middle, where he was not helped by the lack of service. Or discussing Love Island with the man who was marking him.
Chris Britton
Delivered some good crosses from out on the left. Was very impressed with the referee, although nobody knows if that was because he was an excellent official (he was) or because Britton fancied him.

SUBS

Jon Ballantyne
Had a run at both right back and centre back. Much improved on last weeks showing, largely as he didn’t play one ridiculous back pass.
Jordan Walsh
His decision to turn up 30 minutes after kick off was vindicated as the Fatboys didn’t manage a shot in the first half. He went onto have the teams only effort, drawing a brilliant save from the goalkeeper in the second half.

MAN OF THE MATCH

Hardly anybody covered themselves in glory so it just about goes to Rob Lloyd for being the best of a bad bunch.