Tally Ho 2-7 Hassocks Fatboys

 

Tally-Ho! Like a pack of hounds who have picked up the scent of a fox, Hassocks Fatboys gave a ruthless second half performance as they overcame Tally Ho 7-2 away in Lewes.

Ah, Lewes. What is about the most poncey town in Sussex that seems to result in low numbers, no shows, lateness and poor first half displays?

Twice the Fatboys came to the Covent Field last season to play Kingston Village and twice we lost with all the goals coming in the first half. On the second of those occasions, there were only nine men present 15 minutes before kick off which necessitated a quick call to the reserves squad and Nick Davie, Jules Clay and Kevin Ticehurst racing east from Waterhall to make up the numbers.

Ticehurst was with the first team again on this occasion, a richly deserved award for his dedication in uploading a photo to Facebook of every single 5k treadmill run he has done in the gym for the past three months. The second team’s Brothers of Destruction, Justin Parker and Kenny Tinnion were also called up. Tinnion had flown back from America on the morning of the game and despite his 4,430 mile trip from Miami, he was still there on time.

Being late is another common theme of games in Lewes. Parking is harder than trying to get divorce papers from the Saudi Embassy in Turkey and the towns stupid rules about not having a McDonalds means that pre game breakfast has to be taken in Burgess Hill. That saw Dave Keane, Jake Philpott and Rhyan Thwaites turn up 15 minutes before kick. Jon Ballantyne meanwhile arrived 10 minutes after kick off having successfully purchased 16 Glastonbury tickets, which will ensure a strong Fatboys presence at Worthy Farm next summer.

Despite the somewhat shambolic organisation, the Fatboys flew out of the traps and were ahead inside of three minutes when Andy Brown teed up Stuart Brown for a neat finish. The lead was short lived. Almost instantly, Tally Ho earned a free kick after a rather silly foul from Ryan John and with nobody in green able to clear the loose ball, it was eventually fired home for 1-1.

Things went from bad to worse when some more questionable defending led to another opportunity which Tally Ho accepted to move 2-1 ahead. In between those two goals from the hosts, Scott McCarthy had to tip a header over the bar from point blank range.

That poor start led to some frustration from the Fatboys. With Jack Lewis absent, Andy Brown took on the role of walking crime spree and produced a ridiculous two footed tackle after he’d miscontrolled the ball. This didn’t go down with Tally Ho’s striker, a bloke called Shagger who decided to sprint to the scene and push Brown over. Brown as a result went flying, producing a perfect swan dive that covered a good 10 metres which still wasn’t impressive enough to convince the referee not to book him.

That bought the Fatboys attention to Shagger and it’s fair to say he was an interesting individual. His next trick was to grab Chris Britton’s testicles off the ball, a move that might have angered other members of the Fatboys squad but which Britton seemed to enjoy as he ran off with a look of glee on his face. Britton announced his engagement to a girl a few days later. You can draw your own conclusions.

The Fatboys levelled things up with a goal made by their two full backs. Debutant left back Ronnie Devonish won back possession before playing a fantastic switch over to the right, where Rhyan Thwaites had gone rampaging forward to play a pass to Dave Keane who finished with aplomb.

Devonish would end the game with the man-of-the-match award while Thwaites also impressed on his first competitive start in over 18 months. Thwaites didn’t complete the 90 minutes however, having to be withdrawn after an hour in order to go to a Sunday Lunch. The Fatboys reputation as the most middle class team in Sussex shows no sign of abating.

A host of chances came and went after the equaliser with Walsh, Stuart Brown and Keane all missing before the Fatboys went 3-2 ahead on the stroke of half time. A goal bound shot was practically caught by the Tally Ho defender leaving the referee no choice but to point to the spot.

Remarkably, the hosts were incensed about the decision and that to a lengthy delay in the Fatboys being able to take the penalty. It also meant an extended debate could take place surrounding who would take the spot kick. Walsh and Keane had already missed penalties this season, Stuart Brown’s last penalty from 2014 was last spotted heading out of the solar system, Andy Brown’s missed more than anyone else and Britton’s claims that he ensured his last penalty was deliberately saved so he could score the rebound and have a goal and an assist have been dismissed as bollocks.

Eventually, it was decided that Keane would be the man to step up and he looked more nervous than a duck who has spotted a Chinese restaurant owner grinning at him. Keane played it safe and rolled it down the middle for 3-2.

The message at half time was that the Fatboys needed to be more ruthless in the second half and they certainly were, scoring four times without conceding. McCarthy exited proceedings with an hour played for all those who entered the “When will his calf give up again” sweepstake with Parker taking over in goal and Tinnion coming on in midfield. The Fatboys had added two more before those changes, both coming from captain Andy Brown and both assisted by dynamic runs from Keane.

That didn’t go down well with Shagger, who finally had some of his ridiculous off-the-ball antics spotted by the referee as he gave Jake Philpott a little kick. Ballantyne shouted “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS NOW REFEREE” which was strange as he’d only been on the pitch five minutes but the official agreed, flashing Shagger a yellow.

Shagger took this particularly well by threatening to find the referee after the game and then decided to headbutt Philpott. Philpott went flying with an acting performance that the Fatboys resident wannabe thespian John Humphrey could learn a lot from and Shagger was sent off as a result, finding time to square up to his own team mate on his way off the field for good measure.

Andy Brown completed his hat-trick shortly after that when picking a defenders pocket and beating the goalkeeper and he was instantly substituted with the armband passing to Philpott for the first time as a result of the wonderful part he’d played in the dismissal.

Philpott instantly did what all good captains do and sacrificed personal glory for the good of the team, dropping into centre back to allow John to push forward. Whether Philpott had a say in the matter is another thing entirely, given that it didn’t appear as though John had told anyone what he was what up to, he just decided he was bored at the back and wanted to go up front.

Whatever the reasoning, it worked as John chased down a lost cause on the right flank, winning the ball back and then squaring past the goalkeeper for Stuart Brown to notch his second with virtually the final touch of the game. Tally-Ho!
 

FATBOYS 4-3-3

Scott McCarthy
Managed to last an hour this week and only had one real save of note in that time, producing a fine stop to tip a header over the bar from point blank range.
Rhyan Thwaites
Made his first start in over a year and got up and down the line well despite having been at a cocktail party the previous evening, even claiming an assist for the Fatboys second.
Ryan John
Given the presence of a complete neanderthal in the opposition ranks, he did remarkably well not to be booked. Decided to go up front without telling anyone for the final 10 minutes and ended up with an assist.
Chris Britton
Got far too much enjoyment out of having his testicles grabbed. A disappointingly solid showing in which he even managed to take some half-decent goal kicks.
Ronnie Devonish
Didn’t put a foot wrong on his Fatboys debut at left back and did some vital covering when John in particular went walkies.
Andy Brown
A booking for a shocking tackle, a world record for distance covered by a swan dive and a hat-trick. It was a good morning for the captain.
Jake Philpott
Used the ball excellently and showed the sort of experience and nous you only get if you’ve appeared in Football Manager while on the books at Crawley Town with the sending off.
Justin Parker
Had an excellent game in midfield, linking up particularly well with Walsh who he nearly sent clear on a couple of occasions. A commanding presence during his half hour in goal.
Dave Keane
Two more goals and two more assists. Never has a man who wasn’t in court looked so nervous than he was taking the penalty.
Jordan Walsh
Failed to score for the first time this season despite Ticehurst saying when was introduced, “I really want to help Jordan score.” Lack of goals aside, another top performance.
Stuart Brown
Netted two goals to continue his hot streak. He took his substitution well by saying he never wanted to play football again.
 

SUBS

Jon Ballantyne
Introduced for the final 30 minutes. His biggest contribution to the day was probably securing those 16 Glastonbury tickets though.
Kenny Tinnion
Flew in from Miami at 8am and by 11.45am he was entering the fray. Showed some nice touches in midfield and set Keane away a couple of occasions.
Kevin Ticehurst
“I really want to help Jordan score” he said before he came on. He couldn’t quite do that, but he did play one outrageous cross field pass that had the fans purring.
 

GOALS

03′ S Brown, assist A Brown
23′ Keane, assist Thwaites
43′ Keane, assist S Brown
47′ A Brown, assist Keane
65′ A Brown, assist Keane
81′ A Brown, assist defender
94′ S Brown, assist John
 

BOOKINGS

Brown, channelling the spirit of the absent Jack Lewis.

MAN OF THE MATCH

Chris Britton had one of his better games and Jake Philpott was excellent throughout but as is normally the case it goes to the debutant with Ronnie Devonish having a superb showing at left back.