Hassocks Fatboys 4-1 AFC Stanley Old Boys
After last Sunday’s narrow 4-3 victory over B Town Flooring, Stuart Brown said he was never turning out for Hassocks Fatboys again after he was made to play the second half at left back.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, those threats turned out to be completely empty and a week later he was at Clayton Rec all bright eyed and bushy tailed for the Sussex FA Sunday Trophy game with AFC Stanley Old Boys. What’s more, he netted his first hat-trick since December 2014 to send the Fatboys through to the third round of the competition with a 4-1 win.
Despite the result, it was another substandard performance from the Fatboys as they never really got out of third gear against opponents from a division below. Last week they at least had the excuse of not having played for three weeks and missing a raft of first choice players. This time around, there were no such excuses.
Only a handful of regulars were unavailable, one of whom was Jon Ballantyne who has put himself into the top echelons of reasons for missing a game having dislocated his shoulder doing a handstand in his work’s office on Friday afternoon. Joe Brockes and Rhyan Thwaites were also unavailable while Ryan John simply failed to turn up.
On the plus side, Jason Gander was back after a six-week absence. While most players are desperate to play if they turn up, Gander is always extremely candid about his conditioning and this occasion was no different. “I haven’t done any exercise for two months and even when I used to be fit I was done after 20 minutes, so don’t bring me on unless we really, really have to.” Luckily for Gander, he got his wish.
Busted shoulder Ballantyne may have, but he was still determined to retain his Kit Wash of the Year award. Each players shirts and shorts were sealed in a polythene bag and the Fatboys must have been the best smelling team in the country thanks to whatever fabric conditioner Bally had thrown in.
Smelling good was about the only positive that the Fatboys could take after a very slow start to proceedings. Stanley lived up to their name of being Old Boys with no players born after Maggie Thatcher sadly gave up the throne 28 years ago but they could still play, taking a deserved lead with a well worked goal after around 20 minutes.
Chris Britton and Ronnie Devonish both struggled against the 45-year-old striker who had all the technique to suggest he played in Division Three 20 years ago and it was he who opened the scoring, racing away from Jamie Wilkes and onto a through ball which he slotted calmly underneath the outstretched hand of Scott McCarthy for 1-0.
The lead was short lived as the Fatboys levelled things up almost immediately. Jordan Walsh had been on a mini drought of late having not scored for two goals but he rectified that here, scoring after being teed up by Stuart Brown.
That was Walsh’s last action of the half as he received a blow to the face for the fourth time already this season, being replaced by Dave Linehan as a result. Quite what Walsh is telling his colleagues when he goes into work on a Monday is anybody’s guess, but by the end of the game he had a nice lump over his nose which left him “looking like a unicorn” according to girlfriend Chantelle.
Stuart then had a mini meltdown when Britton played his traditional short backpass with McCarthy having to hack it out of play just before the 42-year-old striker who had all the technique to suggest he played in the Conference 20 years ago latched onto it.
Brown’s anger at his defence would soon backfire in the most ironic way possible when he rounded the AFC Stanley goalkeeper and somehow managed to put his effort on an open goal about 10 feet wide of the post. In unison, all 10 players decided to scream at Stuart for missing a complete sitter. Harsh, but fair.
The Fatboys enigmatic record scorer answered his critics just before the break however as he gave his side the lead, collecting a Jake Philpott pass and finishing with aplomb to make it 2-1 at the break. He then took great joy in informing everybody at half time how wrong they were to have a go at him.
If Brown’s meltdowns were impressive, then they were nothing compared to what was about to come from Hayley Elphick. She and Andy Brown were due to be leaving for Gatwick at midday which meant Captain Andy having been scheduled to come off at half time. Needless to say, this didn’t happen and Andy played for a further 15 minutes leading to a quite spectacular strop as shin pads and water bottles went flying on the sideline. Even the referee refused to restore order when asked if he could send Hayley off, saying “I’m not getting involved, she’s lost the plot.”
Brown wanted to stay on in a bid to ensure the game was won before he headed off to Disneyland Paris and he duly played a part in the third goal, combining with Jack Lewis to win possession in midfield and feeding Dave Keane who in turn crossed for Stuart Brown to sweep home his second of the game.
That was Andy’s cue to leave with 46-year-old John Humphrey coming on in central midfield. 46-year-old Humphrey was clearly inspired by the feats of his fellow veterans in the Stanley line up and as a result, was determined to make an impression. He tried to do this by shouting “JOHN IS UP” from a Stanley goal kick, despite the fact the ball was dropping a good 30 yards away from his current position. A mad dash ensued and remarkably, 46-year-old Humphrey did end up getting somewhere vaguely near the ball only to completely misjudge it as it bounced over his head, much to everyone’s delight.
With Andy gone, Stanley began to come into the game more and it took some excellent defending from Britton and Walsh, now playing at centre back with Devonish switched to the left, to ensure the visitors didn’t score. Devonish in particular looked much more comfortable at full back, one outstanding 60-yard switch setting Keane away on a run that couldn’t quite force a fourth for the Fatboys.
Seemingly inspired by the attacking intent on the opposite flank, Wilkes began to bomb forward and he played a delightful ball into Keane who then produced a back heel nutmeg of his marker. This led to cheers all round but again, it came to nothing.
The 45-year-old ex-Division Three professional then rattled a stunning free-kick against the bar despite McCarthy’s bold call of “SAAAFFFEEEE”. Set pieces looked to be their best way back into the game, especially with some suspect marking from the Fatboys which led to Britton to decree at one point, “There’s three men free at the back, we’re f**ked”. They also blazed a couple of other half chances high and wide
Stuart Brown’s hat-trick killed off their hopes though with around 15 minutes to play. Keane was again the architect, releasing Brown with a defence splitting pass and he did the rest to wrap up his hat-trick and the game, setting up a tie with Division Three side Crawley Cosmos in the next round.
FATBOYS 4-3-3
Scott McCarthy
Not much he could do about a goal and had a quiet morning other than that. Took a clattering after bravely collecting a Britton back header.
Jamie Wilkes
Stanley’s attacking threat meant he couldn’t get forward as much as in previous weeks. He still managed to support Keane gamely in the second half before being replaced.
Chris Britton
A welcome return to form after some of the questionable decisions of last week. His shout of “There’s three men free at the back, we’re completely f**ked was particularly enjoyable.
Ronnie Devonish
Played the first half at centre back where did relatively well. Looked much more comfortable at left back in the second, including one outrageous 60-yard switch that landed straight on Keane’s webbed feet.
Rob Lloyd
Returned after a month long absence from the first team at left back and had a solid showing. Made one excellent last ditch tackle and break forward when reintroduced on the right in the second half.
Andy Brown
Covered every blade of grass and it was his harrying that helped set up the Fatboys third. We wait to hear whether his relationship survived his decision to play an extra 15 minutes of the second half.
Jake Philpott
The Conductor gave another virtuoso performance in the centre of midfield, claiming his third assist in five games after recovering from “the shits” which ruled him out last week.
Jack Lewis
Chased and harried down everything, playing a role in Walsh’s opener with his perseverance. Has now gone two games without a booking which won’t please the Sussex FA’s coffers
Dave Keane
He’ll be telling people about that outrageous back heel nutmeg for years. Also added another two assists for two of Brown’s goals.
Jordan Walsh
Brilliant wherever he played. Started off up front and notched, took a whack on the nose, went off, came back on in defence and helped his side withstand a lot of second half pressure.
Stuart Brown
After saying he never wanted to play again, he came back and scored a hat-trick and claimed an assist. It was almost enough to make everyone forget that first half miss.
SUBS
Dave Linehan
Entered the fray after around 30 minutes after Walsh’s blow to the face. Gave a good account of himself on the left of the front three and was denied twice by smart saves from the keeper.
John Humphrey
The 46-year-old took inspiration from the exploits of Stanley’s older players to put himself about all over the place. An action-packed cameo
Jason Gander
Unused
GOALS
23′ Walsh, assist S Brown
40′ S Brown, assist Philpott
59′ S Brown, assist Keane
71′ S Brown, assist Keane