Hassocks Fatboys 7-0 Tally Ho
Two matches. Four yellow cards. Four sin bins. Two sending offs and 16 goals scored. It’s fair to say that Hassocks Fatboys v Tally Ho hasn’t been dull this season.
The second installment was one of the strangest games in Fatboys history, and there is plenty of competition for that. Tally ended it with just eight players on the pitch and were by far and away the better side in the first half. Yet somehow the Fatboys went into the break 1-0 ahead and then ran riot in the second half, scoring another six times to run out 7-0 winners.
Put that with the 7-2 victory in the first game between the two sides five weeks previously and you might be forgiven for thinking there was a real gulf in class. But Tally have given the Green Army a test on both occasions despite what the aggregate scoreline suggests.
What lets them down is their discipline and so, previous experience suggested that if the Fatboys could avoid getting involved in anything silly with the referee or opposition and not make rash challenges, then their quality would shine through. That was certainly the message delivered by manager Scott McCarthy before the game.
It was pleasing therefore to see Jack Lewis booked inside of two minutes for a challenge that is set to feature on next weeks episode of Crimewatch, 46-year-old John Humphrey give away a penalty with 30 minutes played and Dave Linehan go into the sin bin for incessant moaning about the decision. A good start.
To be fair to 46-year-old Humphrey, the penalty was a shocking decision. When the ref blew, both sides initially thought it was for a foul on McCarthy who’d taken an absolute clattering when coming to claim a ball into the box. Remarkably, the official had seen a push on a Tally Ho player which nobody else had and pointed to the spot.
Justice was done as the ball smashed into the left hand post and then in the melee that followed, Tally should have been awarded a genuine penalty when Chris Britton scythed a man down. This time the surprise from everyone was that the referee hadn’t pointed to the spot.
Perhaps these strange decisions shouldn’t have come as a surprise. The ref had already waved play on when Jake Philpott was broken in half in the box earlier in the half and seemed to be basing his decisions on a “five go to one team, five to the other” system. Dave Keane, out with an injured feather, was incandescent with rage on the sidelines, eventually becoming so frustrated that he went home early in the second half. Thanks for your support, Duck.
The only goal of the first half arrived in the opening two minutes and to say the scorer was pleased with himself would be a slight understatement. Joe Brockes had swung over a corner which found it’s way to Linehan at the back post and he returned the ball into the box to 46-year-old Humphrey who placed a shot from six yards past the goalkeeper and in.
It was a neat finish from 46-year-old Humphrey so don’t take anything away from him, but to run off to the corner flag shouting “WHAT A GOAL, WHAT A GOAL” for what was essentially a tap in seemed a little over the top. It was only when 46-year-old Humphrey reached the corner flag and realised that nobody else had shared his enthusiasm that captain Andy Brown wandered over to shake his hand, out of pity more than anything else. In fact, Jon Ballantyne actively ran in the other direction to avoid having any part in the celebration despite being the nearest player on the pitch to Humphrey at the time.
Still, 46-year-old Humphrey picked a good time to net his first of the season with Sussex Sunday League Photographer Andrew Hazleden present. This had led many of the Fatboys to do their hair for the occasion with the exception of Rob Lloyd who had to settle for polishing his and at half time, the team seemed more concerned about looking good for the watching camera than anything else.
That they could afford to take that approach was largely thanks to Jordan Walsh, who went absolutely mad in the second half to net five times on his own. His first came from a delightful through ball from Philpott and then 10 minutes later Linehan made it 3-0 once he’d been allowed to return the pitch, hitting a sweet effort from distance which caught the goalkeeper unawares.
Ananda Hoque then replaced Jon Ballantyne who had to answer a call of nature and in the five minutes Bally was away excreting last night’s 10 pints of Guinness and chicken madras out, Walsh scored a further three times with two assist for Brockes and one for Lewis. “How the **** have I missed three goals while having a shit?” Ballantyne asked on his return to the sidelines.
It wasn’t just goals that Ballantyne had missed. In that time, McCarthy had also pulled off an outrageous one handed save from a point blank header from our old mate “Shagger”, who’d then found himself sin binned for an overzealous tackle on Lewis in midfield.
The game descended into farce somewhat after that. Walsh rounded off the scoring with his fifth and the Fatboys’ seventh when converting a free kick won by Linehan and there were two more sin bins late on and a red card for good measure which left Tally to finish the game with eight players.
As a result, they began resorting to long balls forward which left Hoque, Humphrey and Britton looking as comfortable as Britton is in a male sauna. Nick Davie on the other hand had one moment of struggle as with the ball slowly dropping out of the sky and the shout of “TIME” from Philpott, he stumbled around trying to get into a position to head the ball only for it to drop straight onto the crown of his head and fly out for a corner.
Davie said afterwards that his mind was on other things, namely that Shagger had said he had a rubbish haircut, but that lack of concentration didn’t matter this week. Next Sunday however it will as the Fatboys head to top-of-the-table Castle Sports for what is already looking like a huge game in the Division One promotion race.
FATBOYS 4-3-3
Scott McCarthy
An assured performance, especially in the first half when the Fatboys were under real pressure. His second half save from the header was magnificent.
Rob Lloyd
Carrying a knock but managed to get through the best part of 70 minutes. Defended stoutly early on and then linked up well with Brockes going forward in the second half.
John Humphrey
Netted a real goal of the season contender (in his own head if nowhere else) and also dealt well with a tricky front pairing.
Chris Britton
Led the defence well in the first half, making a number of trademark scissor kick clearances. He also paid tribute to Jason Gander with one superb handball in the box which remarkably went unpunished.
Jon Ballantyne
Had his customary funny opening 10 minutes while he attempted to sober up and also managed to hit a moving car heading up Clayton Hill with a ball in the warm up. Other than that, a solid showing.
Andy Brown
The Fatboys captain was very, very drunk and it showed. He perhaps summed up his performance best by saying “I assisted the goalkeeper with multiple saves.”
Jake Philpott
Continues to dictate play from his deep lying midfield role. No theatrics needed on this occasion but his uncanny ability to wind up the opposition remains a real asset.
Jack Lewis
Not quite sure what part of “Nothing silly” he took to mean get booked inside of two minutes. A sensible game after that given how the opposition were boiling over and he was rewarded with an assist.
Joe Brockes
The Goblin doesn’t know what has happened to his scoring boots, but all the time he is creating it doesn’t really matter. Set two up for Walsh and his set pieces were a real threat.
Jordan Walsh
His five goal haul takes him onto 16 for the season already. With the Fatboys still in every cup competition, when does it become plausible that he could beat Stuart Brown’s record of 28 in a single season?
Dave Linehan
Aside from his 10 minutes in the sin bin, it was one of his best performances in a Fatboys shirt capped off with a goal and an assist.
SUBS
Ananda Hoque
Good to have him back in the side. Made a strong impression at right back even though he was late after managing to get lost for the second consecutive game despite the fact that we were playing at home.
Nick Davie
Put in a couple of strong tackles and some excellent balls up the line to Linehan. The less said about that header, the better.
GOALS
02′ Humphrey, assist Linehan
50′ Walsh, assist Philpott
60′ Linehan, assist Lloyd
64′ Walsh, assist Brockes
67′ Walsh, assist Brockes
69′ Walsh, assist Lewis
74′ Walsh, assist Linehan
SIN BINS
Linehan, questioning the referees sanity
BOOKINGS
Lewis, breaking a man in two inside of five minutes
MAN OF THE MATCH
Toss up between Jordan Walsh and Dave Linehan but seeing as Jordan seems to be winning it every bloody week at the minute, it goes to everybody’s favourite Jamie Vardy look-a-like.