Crawley Cosmos 2-3 Hassocks Fatboys
On paper, this had all the makings of a cup upset. A trip to Creepy Crawley in the depths of December. Opponents who were young, fit and full of confidence at the top of Division Three. A Hassocks Fatboys side down to 11 players feeling the effects of hangovers, age and a general lack of enthusiasm.
Coming away with a 3-2 win and a spot in the quarter finals of the Sussex Sunday Challenge Trophy given the odds being well and truly stacked probably made this the Fatboys best result of the season so far. It also set a new club record of eight consecutive victories.
The 12 hours leading up to the game could best be described as a shambles. Ryan John was last seen heading towards Ardingly at 10pm on Saturday night and failed to show up. Gary Whittington got injured getting out of bed.
Rob Lloyd, Jame Wilkes, 46-year-old John Humphrey, Dave Keane and Jake Philpott all took the gamble that the biblical level of rain in the days preceding the fixture would result in it being called off and so went out the night before and got hammered. In the case of Keane and Philpott, they only turned up to the venue 10 minutes before kick off.
Then there was Jon Ballantyne. In a sign that he is hurtling towards his 30s at a rate of knots, Ballantyne was still being sick from Friday night. On their arrival at the ground, both sets of players were greeted to the sight of him leaning against the outside of the changing rooms, liquid pouring out of his mouth non stop for a good 30 seconds. He would go onto throw up a further two times before the 90 minutes was over.
Unsurprisingly given all that upheaval, it was Crawley Cosmos who started the better of the two sides, knocking the ball about well on a zippy surface. It became apparent very quickly that they were better than many of the teams that the Fatboys have faced so in Division One this season and only two sprawling one-on-one saves from Scott McCarthy kept the scores level in the first 10 minutes.
After weathering the early storm, the Fatboys took the lead with their first chance of the game. The giant pitch left plenty of spaces for Philpott and Justin Parker to find with their wide range of passing and it was from one such instance that Wilkes got away down the left, jinked past a couple of men and teed up Jordan Walsh for 1-0.
That took the wind out of Cosmos’ sails somewhat and soon their captain was entering the referees book for dissent. His mood wasn’t impressed 10 minutes later when Brown doubled the advantage, Wilkes again the architect.
After half an hour of surprisingly good football from both teams, things took an agricultural turn and it looked as though set pieces would provide the next route to goal. Cosmos sent in a succession of dangerous corners with Brown and Philpott both heading away and then Parker produced a brilliant block on the line to keep one out.
At the other end, Keane was beginning to find deliver some rippers of his own but nobody could quite get onto the end of his deliveries. This was despite the best efforts of 46-year-old Humphrey who, having revealed he was so drunk the night before that he started doing the Mobot on his works Christmas Do, was galloping forward his doppelganger at the London Olympics at every opportunity.
Those familiar with the workings of 46-year-old Humphrey’s body will know this was a dangerous game to play and needless to say despite the warnings of both McCarthy and Ballantyne, his enthusiasm caught up with him before half time when he felt his hamstring go, leaving the Fatboys to play for around 55 minutes with effectively 10 men.
Cosmos pulled one back five minutes before the break when the Fatboys gave away possession in midfield, the hosts stringing together three quick passes to create the space for a rifled effort from the edge of the box which left McCarthy with no chance. Only some excellent covering work from Ananda Hoque on the stroke of half time then prevented things becoming level.
The second half looked a tough prospect for the Fatboys with Humphrey playing on one leg and a strong wind and slope to defend. As a result, it was a case of manning the barricades for the first 20 minutes with McCarthy pulling off one sensational save to turn a shot that took a wicked deflection off Ballantyne’s head around the post at full stretch.
As Philpott and Parker began to break up play in midfield, the Fatboys were able to come into the game more and they added a third on 68 minutes. After their first two goals had come down the left, this time the ball was sprayed out to Keane on the right who came drifting inside the find Brown. Brown danced around one defender and then produced the cheekiest of scoops over the advancing goalkeeper.
The Fatboys should have gone onto make the game safe after that but they squandered a succession of chances. Wilkes, Keane and Brown all went close and then Wilkes started off the move of the match, going around three players as if they weren’t there before sliding the ball into the path of Walsh who hit a first time effort which came crashing off the bar.
That was Walsh’s last action up front as 46-year-old Humphrey’s legs gave up the ghost completely and so a tactical reshuffle followed. Walsh dropped back into the centre of defence alongside Ballantyne with 46-year-old Humphrey going up front. “Put me up top, I’ll win the ball.” Or at least that was the plan. What actually happened is that rather than moving forward, 46-year-old Humphrey began playing even deeper than he had been when at centre back.
The extra body in the middle actually worked quite well even if 46-year-old Humphrey was now restricted to using his head for everything. There were a couple of hairy moments such as when Brown picked up his customary booking for a tackle of Fred West levels of violence and Cosmos did pull one back with five minutes to spare from a free header at the back post.
They then had an identical chance in the very last minute but a superb clearing header from Walsh prevented what would have been a certain goal and the horrifying prospect of extra time.
Given that the Fatboys had their Christmas Lunch to get to at the Club at 1pm, it was roundly decided afterwards that had that gone in, the men in green would have taken kick off and booted the ball back to McCarthy who would’ve let it straight through his hands to give Cosmos the win and ensure that another 30 minutes wasn’t needed.
Thankfully, it didn’t come to that and the Fatboys were all able to tuck into their turkey in Mid Sussex bang on time. There was even an appearance from Ryan John who become the first player to no-show for a game but turn up for a beer afterwards. John was suitably punished for his crimes with eight pints of London Pride and an array of top shelf shots.
FATBOYS (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
Quick off his line twice in the first half and the second half save at full stretch proved to be a match winner. His kicking caused problems all morning for the opposition rather than his own teammates for once.
Ananda Hoque
Put in some very strong tackles, particularly in the second half when the Fatboys were under the cosh. Played a number of nest passes up the line for Keane.
John Humphrey
This was a remarkable showing giving he was hungover and spent the majority of the game playing on one leg. Didn’t lose a header.
Jon Ballantyne
Things looked ominous at 10am when a steady stream of liquid sick was pouring from his mouth. Composed himself well to get through 90 minutes though, making some key blocks. Last an hour in the Club afterwards without touching a beer before his mum came and collected him.
Rob Lloyd
Did a very un-Bert like thing by getting hammered at Twickenham the day before and gambling it would be off. Not that you could tell as hungover Lloyd was nearly as good as sober Lloyd.
Justin Parker
Relegated from the reserves for this one, he took full advantage of the massive pitch to show the full range of his passing game. A big part of the victory.
Jake Philpott
Did a heroic job of getting him and Keane to the venue with 10 minutes to spare. Took that form onto the pitch, playing a vital role shielding the defence and then trying to get things moving going forward.
Andy Brown
Picked up a customary booking but proved to be the Fatboys match winner with two goals. The scoop over the goalkeeper was particularly enjoyable.
Dave Keane
It was pointed out that last week’s match report failed to mention he couldn’t outpace a man the size of the moon. No such trouble this week as he constantly got to the byline and claimed an assist for the third.
Jordan Walsh
You suspect that Cosmos would have liked to have played out from the back. That they couldn’t was largely because of his phenomenal work rate. Chipped in with a goal and then made a goal-saving header when in defence in the final minutes.
Jame Wilkes
His best performance for the Fatboys yet. Two brilliant and assists and a constant live wire throughout on the left.
GOALS
16′ Walsh, assist Wilkes
28′ A Brown, assist Wilkes
68′ A Brown, assist Keane
BOOKINGS
Wilkes, telling the referee he’d made a shocking decision (he had made a shocking decision).
Brown, weekly attempt to get arrested for GBH.
MAN OF THE MATCH
It could honestly go to any one of the 11 on the pitch such was the effort that went into getting the win, but for his two assists and general all round performance it’s Jamie Wilkes.