Kingston Village 4-2 Hassocks Fatboys
Betting, it’s a mugs game. You’d have thought that the players of Hassocks Fatboys would have realised that by now.
The annual Fatboys Cheltenham Festival Jolly enters its sixth year this March and it is a terrifying to think how much money has been lost collectively in that time.
It isn’t just horse racing that the Fatboys like to bet on. It’s football, it’s golf, it’s tennis, it’s who killed Lucy Beale, it’s the Eurovision Song Contest, it’s which member of Theresa May’s cabinet will be next to resign and if you’re Jason Gander, it’s Texas State Bobcats with a +21 handicap.
Andy Brown branched into a new area of betting ahead of the Fatboys George Millyard Cup game with Premier Division Kingston Village. With the rain on Saturday night turning the roads of Burgess Hill into replicas of the Rhine and the Fatboys Christmas Pub Crawl reduced from 12 pubs to six as a result, Brown wagered £10 via Twitter with Sussex Sunday League supremo Ian South that the match wouldn’t go ahead.
Needless to say, the Fatboys rocked up to sunny East Brighton Park just over 12 hours later to be greeted by a pitch that was like a carpet. Game on and a much needed tenner winging its way to Mr South’s chosen charity of Great Ormond Street Hospital. Given that the Fatboys chose this weekend to give their worst performance of the season, they’ll have wished that Brown’s prediction had come true and the game was postponed.
Preparations didn’t get off to the best of starts when the car carrying the kit was still half an hour away in Mid Sussex at 9.25am ahead of a 10am kick off. This was due to a set of unforeseen circumstances which involved a wild goose chase around Haywards Heath to find Dave Keane who had woken up in a building which was not his home. Then, trying to get Ryan John out of bed from his house was akin to building the Great Wall of China out of custard.
The bulk of the delay came at the Brown residence though, where Stuart was nowhere to be seen. His Mum popped her head out the door to see what was going on, with the conversation going something like this:
“Hello boys, who are you waiting for?”
“We’re here to pick up Stuart, Mrs Brown.”
“Stuart? I don’t think he’s home. I’ll go and check for you.”
Two minutes later….
“He’s home, I’ve just woken up. He doesn’t look well but he’ll be down in a couple of minutes.”
“Thanks, Mrs Brown. Merry Christmas.”
Mrs Brown was right, Stuart didn’t look very well. The kit eventually arrived at the venue 10 minutes before kick off and the lack of warm up translated into a slow start as Kingston made all the early running. Jon Ballantyne and Ryan John were forced into making good blocks in the first 10 minutes and Scott McCarthy gathered a couple of low shots and then tipped a free kick onto the crossbar.
The game was only 15 minutes old when Dave Linehan had to depart from left back with a hamstring complaint to be replaced by Rob Lloyd. Lloyd’s first task was to watch helplessly as Kingston took the lead that there dominance deserved, a clever passing move ending in a perfectly weighted lofted pass which flummoxed John and left the striker with a one-on-one which he buried.
The Fatboys belatedly started playing at that point, Stuart Brown getting down the left and teeing up Jordan Walsh who hit the crossbar and then Keane clipped the post.
It was against the run of play when Kingston got the ball in the net for a second time nine minutes after their opener, only to see it controversially disallowed. The hosts had swung over a corner which was eventually turned in after a bit of a scramble.
The linesman had his flag up however and nobody was entirely sure why until the referee ruled the goal out for the corner having curled out of play. Kingston were incensed, telling the Fatboys players that our linesman was a cheat, which was all well and good except for the fact we’d never seen the bloke running the line before in our lives.
It turned out he was qualified referee making his way up to Stanley Deason to officiate a game and just happened to be walking past our pitch as Lloyd had to give up the flag to replace Linehan. At that point, he offered to step in and ran the line for the remainder of the first half.
There was little our “cheat of a linesman” who we didn’t know could do about Kingston’s second goal. John launched himself into a completely needless horror tackle on the edge of the box, gifting Kingston a free kick which was duly powered home despite McCarthy getting a hand to it. The referee was clearly in the Christmas spirit at that point, John escaping with a yellow card when some might have given a red.
The Fatboys pulled a goal back before half time from a free kick of their own, although this one owed more to calamitous goalkeeping than the quality of the strike. Andy Brown had been bought down out on the right about 30 yards from goal, giving Keane the opportunity to float a ball into the box.
Walsh challenged the Kingston number one which was enough to cause him to let the ball sail straight through his hands and into the back of the net, before he hit the deck as if he’d been shot from a sniper testing out the views from the Royal Sussex County Hospital’s new helipad.
Kingston were adamant their keeper had been fouled but the referee wasn’t having it even after 10 minutes of intense debate, their linesman wading in and eventually the keeper going off with “a serious shoulder injury.”
That came a couple of minutes before half time and at the break, the Fatboys fancied their chances of turning things around as long as they could test the stand in goalkeeper. It was to the dismay of the visiting camp then that Kingston’s first choice came back on for the second half having made a miraculous recovery. Somebody alert the Tsaritsa; Rasputin isn’t dead, both he and his healing hands are alive and well and treating Kingston Village players.
In the end, it didn’t matter who was in goal for Kingston in the second half – it could have been their first choice, their second choice, their eighth choice or even Rasputin himself. The hosts were by far the better side in the second half, scoring from a free header and then a penalty after a clumsy challenge from Ballantyne in the box to book their spot in the quarter final of the competition.
Stuart did make his decision to climb out of bed 35 minutes before kick off worthwhile by scoring the Fatboys second with 10 minutes to spare, latching onto a brilliant through ball by Dan Turner but any hopes that might spark a late revival were snuffed out as Kingston showed their top division quality by managing the game through to its conclusion, a 4-2 victory being the least they deserved as Ananda Hoque and Jack Lewis both made a couple of excellent last ditch tackles and McCarthy tipped another free kick onto the bar.
Only two players emerged from a Fatboys point of view with any credit. Hoque put in an excellent showing at right back while Turner was a revelation in midfield, constantly winning possession, playing clever passes forward and not losing a thing in the air. The assist for Stuart Brown’s goal was the icing on the cake.
There was also a debut from the bench from Stuart Robinson, a goalkeeper who has played Conference National football for Grays Athletic before. In true Fatboys tradition, he was introduced at centre back and instantly endeared himself to his new teammates when a Kingston player tried to claim Robinson had punched him when battling for a high ball, failing to realise that because Robinson is in fact eight foot tall he’d simply ran into his hand which rests at a normal man’s head height.
Fatboys (4-3-3)
Scott McCarthy
With a stronger hand he might have kept out Kingston’s second. Little he could go about the other three and pushed two free kicks onto the bar with his fingertips.
Ananda Hoque
Third consecutive start after missing the first two months of the season with bubonic plague. His best performance yet and pushed Turner close for man of the match.
Jon Ballantyne
Made a number of crucial blocks in both halves. Not entirely sure what he was up to for the penalty.
Ryan John
Said on the journey down that he thought he was going to get booked. Didn’t disappoint with a terrible challenge in the first half. Other than that he was relatively solid and provided one moment of comedy with a fantastic air kick.
Dave Linehan
Showed some nice touches in the 10 minutes he was on before his hamstring went. Provided some boots for Keane which was nice.
Jack Lewis
Put in some crunching tackles on his return from a rib problem. Did an important job in front of the defence with a couple of key blocks in the second half.
Dan Turner
The Fatboys best player. He claimed an assist for Stuart Brown’s goal and dominated midfield against very good opponents. Even tried shooting straight from kick off which dropped just over the bar.
Andy Brown
Was particularly dismayed to turn up and find the pitch looking like a carpet. Got through lots of good work and put in one outrageous swan dive in the box in an attempt to win a penalty which the referee couldn’t help but laugh at.
Dave Keane
Turned up to the game in the same clothes he’d been out in last night and with no kit bag. Not his best performance but has claims on the first goal.
Jordan Walsh
The other man who had a hand in the first goal by distracting the goalkeeper and potentially getting a touch. He was a lively presence up top and rattled the woodwork as well.
Stuart Brown
What is it about East Brighton Park that causes him to lose his mind? It happened here in 2015 when he was made to play right back against Kemp Town and it happened again when somebody asked him to run back. Scored a nice goal, though.
Subs
Rob Lloyd
Given that he was last spotted on the Block & Gasket dance floor surrounded by women at 1am, his introduction after 10 minutes was probably a little earlier than he’d have liked. Gave his normal dependable showing at left back.
Stuart Robinson
Made his debut in the last 20 minutes when replacing the injured John. The first thing he said when he came on was, “Can somebody remind me not to try and catch the ball”, which was extremely reassuring. He managed to remember himself, winning some key headers.
Goals
37′ Walsh, assist Keane (or was it just Keane?)
80′ S Brown, assist Turner
Bookings
John, ridiculously over-the-top tackle
Man of the Match
Only two players in green came out of the game with any credit, Dan Turner who just takes the award ahead of Ananda Hoque.